目 录

第一章

第二章

第三章

第四章

第五章

第六章

第七章

第八章

第九章

第十章

第十一章

第十二章

第十三章

第十四章

第十五章

第十六章

返回分册总目录

第一章

1.我一出生便接受了东正教的洗礼,并在信仰该教派的家庭环境中长大。我在东正教的谆谆教诲下度过了整个童年、少年和青年时期。然而在十八岁那年,大学二年级的我离开学校,不再相信我他们教给我的任何教义。

2.忆及诸多往事,我觉得自己根本未曾笃信过宗教,只是信赖长辈们的言传身教,而这种信赖极不稳固。

3.记得十一岁那年的一个周日,一个名叫沃洛迪亚的高中生(此人如今已去世多年)来家中看望我们,向我们宣布了当时学校里的最新发现——世上根本没有上帝,我们所学到的关于上帝的一切纯属人们的编造(那是1838年)。我记得我的哥哥们对这一发现产生了极大的兴趣,甚至允许我参加他们的讨论。我记得当时大家都十分激动,觉得这个消息切实可信而令人神往。

4.我还记得当时正在上大学的哥哥德米特里突然间以性格中特有的激情,狂热地信起宗教来,并开始参加所有的宗教仪式,诸如奉行斋戒、崇尚纯洁而道德的生活等。我们大家(包括家中的大人)于是时常拿他取笑,出于众所周知的原因,大伙还给他起了个绰号叫“诺亚”。我记得那时喀山大学 〔1〕 的图书馆馆长穆西金·普希金先生有一次邀请大家参加舞会,在遭到德米特里的拒绝后,开玩笑地劝告我的这位哥哥说,就连大卫王也在方舟前跳过舞 〔2〕 。那时我常常被大人们的玩笑逗乐,从中也得出一个结论,那就是学习教义和去教堂做礼拜都是必要的,但勿需过于认真。也曾记得很小的时候读过伏尔泰的作品,当时不仅没有对他那些抨击教会的犀利幽默感到震惊,反倒觉得相当有趣。

5.我的宗教热情日渐减退的过程和大多数同样背景的人差不多,时代进步了,这一过程却基本没有变化。在我看来,绝大多数情况大致如下:每个人经历的生活没有什么区别,但人们生活所依据的原则却不仅与教旨毫无关系,且大体上背道而驰。宗教教义丝毫不能应用于生活和人际关系,我们在自己的个人生活中也无须按照宗教教义行事。宗教教义是在另外一个境界中存在和传播的,它与生活本身有着一段距离,且超然独立于生活。我们所面对的宗教只是一种外部现象,和生活本身毫无关系。

6.一直以来,从一个人的生活或举止根本无法判断他是不是信徒。如果说公开宣称信仰东正教的人和拒绝入教的人有所不同,似乎算不上是对前者的夸赞之词。一直以来,公开声明和宣誓信仰东正教的通常都是愚钝呆滞、生性残暴、道德败坏和自视甚高的人。反之,聪慧、诚实、坦率、温厚以及美德则往往是声称自己并非信徒的人们所具备的品质。国家虽规定学校里必须讲授教义、必须送孩子们去教堂做礼拜,官员们也必须出具参加圣餐仪式的证据;然而现在(在过去更是如此),如果你既不在学校读书也不在政府部门任职,则可以数十年无所顾忌地生活在一个基督教国家,无须顾忌自己的周围都是基督徒。

7.因此如今和以往一样,人们在年少时怀着信任之心接受宗教教义,后来又迫于外界压力继续信仰。渐渐地,由于与知识和生活经验相悖,宗教教条的可信度最终在此二者的影响下不断衰减;当现实生活中已经完全没有宗教的印迹之时,人们可以认为幼时接受的宗教教诲仍然存在,此二者并行不悖,对个人的生活也不会产生什么影响。

8.有一个聪明诚实的人(姑且称之为S.),曾给我讲述过他自己不再信仰宗教的经历。二十六岁那年一次外出狩猎,他在夜间休息时遵循幼年养成的习惯,跪下来祈祷。当时他哥哥也在场,躺在稻草垫子上看着他。当S.祈祷完毕准备躺下睡觉时,他听到哥哥说:“你到现在还在祈祷?”之后一夜无语。从那天起,迄今三十多年过去了,S.再也没有祈祷、做礼拜或领圣餐,也没有去过教堂。之所以如此,并不是因为他了解了哥哥对于信仰的看法并希望与哥哥意见一致,也不是因为他内心已然做出决定,而恰恰是因为S.内心对宗教的信奉如同一面摇摇欲坠的断壁残垣。哥哥的话就仿佛手指轻轻一弹,整面墙便轰然倒塌。哥哥的话只是挑明了S.内心中被宗教占据的那一隅其实早已变成虚无的空洞,他的祈祷词、胸前画下的十字以及祈祷时的屈膝跪拜全都变成了毫无意义的肢体动作。一旦认识到这一切毫无意义,S.便再也不能够继续这些无谓的信仰了。

9.因此我相信,对绝大多数人而言,情况基本上就是这样,过去和现在没有什么不同。我这里提到的大多数人,是指与我们有着相同背景的人。这些人真诚地对待自己,不将立誓信教作为达到某种世俗目的的手段。(那些人才是最根本的非教徒:既然信仰在他们看来只是用于达到某种世俗目的的工具,那就根本不再有什么信仰可言了。)和我们成长背景相同的人们会陷入这样一种境地:知识和生活的光辉会逐渐消融人为建立的宗教信仰,他们要么在不知不觉中把信仰忘得一干二净;要么迄今也未曾注意到这一点,对信仰听之任之。

10.我年幼时接受的宗教教诲后来大多消逝了,这一点和其他人一样。与其他人不同的是,我自幼开始读书思考,因而很早便摒弃了宗教。十六岁时我便不再主动祈祷、做礼拜或斋戒。我不再相信年幼时被灌输的教义,但是我的确一直信仰着,尽管我也说不清自己信仰的东西究竟是什么。我相信上帝,或者更确切地说,我不否认上帝的存在,但是当时的我说不清楚自己信仰的上帝是什么样子;我也不否认耶稣的存在抑或他的教义,而当时的我也同样说不清楚自己对耶稣教义的领悟。

11.如今回首前尘往事,我可以清楚地看到,除了出于动物本能而激发的对生活的欲望之外,我当时拥有的唯一真实的信念,就是自我修养和完善。但是这种自我修养包含哪些内容,又有着怎样的目标,当时的我也不得而知。我尝试着在知识上完善自我,研习生活中的一切经历。我尝试着锻炼自己的意志,给自己制定各种规则并努力遵守。我尝试着健全自己的体格,通过各种运动来增强力量和身体的灵活性。我还试图克服各种困难,培养自己的韧性和耐心。我将所有这一切视为自我完善。当然,其开端乃是道德修养,然而没过多久,所有这些都烟消云散,我开始信仰更笼统也更高级的完善,我不再关注是否在自己或上帝眼中做得更好,而开始在乎自己在他人看来是否完美无缺。很快这种要强过他人的决心就演变成一种无与伦比的强烈愿望:我要拥有比他人更多的声名、权力和财富。

注释

〔1〕 喀山:前苏联伏尔加河中游城市。

〔2〕 天主教译为“达味”,伊斯兰教译作“达吾德”,是以色列的第二任国王。“大卫”的意思是“被爱的”。大部份关于他的记载都出自《塔纳赫》中的《塞缪尔记》上、下两部。大卫虽不是没有缺点,但在以色列所有古代的国王中,他被描述为最富有正义感的国王,还是一位优秀的战士、音乐家和诗人(据说《圣经》中许多赞美上帝的诗篇都是他的创作)。根据《圣经》记录,耶稣是大卫的后裔。

第二章

1.有机会,我会向人们讲述自己的生活经历,以及我年轻时代的十年间,生活给了我怎样的震撼和启示。想必很多人都曾有类似的经历。我真心诚意地希望做到尽善尽美,但那时的我年轻气盛、孤身一人,在追求尽善尽美的道路上孤立无援。每当我试图展示自己内心深处的渴望——做一个道德高尚的人时,总会招来鄙视和嘲笑;而一旦我屈服于低俗的欲望,却总是能够得到人们的赞赏和鼓励。野心、权力欲、自私自利、放荡、骄傲、愤怒、复仇,这些倒成了令人敬仰的品质。于是我渐渐臣服于这些私欲和贪念,长辈们也开始接受我成为他们中的一员并为我感到高兴。我生活中接触到的最为纯洁的人乃是一个可敬的老姑妈,她总说她别无所求,但愿我能够和一位已婚妇女来一段风流韵事。“还有什么比和一位年轻少妇交欢更美妙的呢?”她常常用优雅的法文发出这样的感叹。她还祝愿我能成为一名副官,最好能够为沙皇服务。诸多祈福中最令她兴奋的,莫过于我能迎娶一位富有的女孩,并通过婚姻拥有很多农奴,越多越好。

2.每忆及当年往事,我内心无不充满恐惧、厌恶和悲叹。在战争中我杀过人、给别人下过战书并想在决斗中杀死对方、也赌过纸牌;我挥霍雇农的劳动果实还惩罚他们;我与有妇之夫私通、行事虚伪、一副丑恶嘴脸。撒谎、偷盗、放荡不羁、烂醉、暴力、谋杀……没有一项恶事我未曾染指,尽管这样,我的作为还是赢得了他人的赞赏,同辈人也认为相对而言我是个品德高尚的人。他们至今也没有改变这种观点。

3.这样的生活持续了整整十年。

4.在此期间,我出于虚荣、自私和自负而涉身写作。我在写作时的所作所为竟和生活中一模一样。为了猎取写作带来的名利,我不得不隐藏起自己真善美的一面,把罪恶的一面展示在世人面前。我也正是这么做的。我总是在作品中设法假借冷漠和漫不经心来掩盖生活的目标,掩盖使生命充满意义的、对于善的追求。我成功了,并得到人们的赞赏。

5.战争结束 〔1〕 那年,二十六岁的我回到圣彼得堡,并开始结交那里的作家。那个圈子欣然接受了我,还对我大肆奉承。我来不及停下思考,就被结交的这群作家同化,采纳了他们的生活态度。没过多久,我自己年轻时所有自我修养的尝试荡然无存。那些作家的生活态度无疑为我毫无节制的生活提供了理论依据和借口。

6.我的这些作家朋友们的人生观可以总结如下:一般来说,生活是一个不断发展的过程,在这个过程中扮演最重要的角色的就是我们这些思想者,而在诸多思想者中,我们这群艺术家和诗人最具影响力。我们的使命是传道授业。为了避免为“我知道些什么,又能教些什么”这类浅薄的问题所迷惑,他们解释说根本没必要知道这个问题的答案,因为诗人和艺术家在无意识中成就了其作为人类导师的使命。我既然是大家公认的杰出艺术家兼诗人,便自然而然地接受了这一理论。作为一个艺术家和诗人,我在写作时不必知道我要向人们传授什么。我做这些是有偿的。作为交换,我得到了美味的食物、舒适的住所、女人的陪伴、令人向往的社交圈和名望。既然如此,想必我教授的东西一定十分出色。

7.相信诗歌的意义以及生活的渐进发展也是一门信仰,而我就是这门教派中的一名“牧师”。作为这样一位“牧师”是件颇有裨益和令人愉悦的事,因而在相当长的一段时间,我都生活在这样的信念当中,从来没有质疑过其正确性。但是在第二年,我开始怀疑它的正确性,并开始了对它的质疑和审视,第三年更是如此。最初引起我怀疑的,是我注意到该教派内部的“牧师”们意见不一。有人说“我们是最出色、最有价值的老师,我们教授的才是人们最需要的,而其他人教授的都是错误的东西。”有人说“不对!我们才是真正的老师,你们错了!”他们为此辩论、争吵、彼此蒙蔽和欺诈。更有甚者,我们之中很多人对谁是谁非漠不关心,而只是冷眼观望、鹬蚌相争,从中渔利。所有这一切迫使我对这门信仰产生了怀疑。

8.此外,一旦我开始质疑作家这门信仰的正确性,我便开始密切关注这里的“牧师”们,并愈加确信该教派内部几乎所有的“牧师”——也就是那些作家们——都是不道德的。他们绝大多数都有着邪恶而卑劣的人格,还远不及我早年在放荡的军旅生活中遇到的那些人。但是他们又都颇为自鸣得意和孤芳自赏——那种自负要么表明他们是真正的圣徒,要么表明他们对虔诚和圣洁一无所知。他们开始显示出对我的厌恶和不满,我也开始对自己厌恶和不满,并最终意识到这门信仰原来是一个骗局。

9.但奇怪的是,尽管我很快认识到这些教条乃是纯粹的谎言,应该尽快抛弃,我却并没有放弃这些人赋予我的地位:没有放弃艺术家、诗人和传道授业者的头衔。我天真地幻想自己是个诗人和艺术家,能够在自己不明所以的情况下教授他人。我也确实是这么做的。

10.通过和这些作家们的交往,我染上了一种新的恶习,那就是恶性发展的狂妄和荒唐的自信,我认定为人师表是我的天职,哪怕自己都不明所以。

11.如今,每当我想起那段时光、忆及我自己和周围的人们(很不幸,如今这样的人更是成千上万)当时的思想状态,我都会感到悲哀、恐惧和荒谬,它在我身上所激发的情感就像人们在疯人院中看到的那样疯狂和荒诞。

12.那时,我们都坚信自己必须滔滔不绝、笔耕不辍,坚信我们应该尽多尽快地发表作品——那可是全人类的福祉。就这样,成千上万的文人一面彼此相轻,口诛笔伐,一面著书立说,传道授业。没有人意识到自己的无知:我们连生活中最基本的问题——善恶是非的问题——都回答不了。人人高谈阔论、口若悬河,从不会谦虚地倾听他人说些什么。有时我们彼此纵容、互相夸赞,甚是享受;有时又怒气冲天,恶言相向,整个情形就仿佛我们全都生活在疯人院。

13.成千上万的工人日夜劳作,印成的铅字堆积如山,再邮寄分发至俄国各地;我们以传道授业为天降己任,却从未曾真正向人们揭示出所有这些道业的真理,还总是觉得自己没有受到应有的重视并为此烦恼不已。

14.这一切真是非常奇怪,不过现在我全都懂了。我们真正关心的本是如何沽名钓誉。为达到这一目的,我们所知的唯一办法就是著书立说——那正是我们的所为。然而为了完成这一全然无用的任务,说服人们相信我们都是不可或缺的重要人物,就需要一种理论来为自己的所作所为进行辩解。由此我们编造出如下理论:凡是存在的都是合理的,万事都在不断发展变化。发展需要教化,而教化是以鸿篇巨著的发行量来衡量的。既然这些鸿篇巨著让我们得到了金钱和人们的尊敬,我们当然是最最重要、最有价值的一群人。如果我们大家意见一致,这个理论应该是非常合情合理的;但是既然我们中任何一个人表达的想法都会有人以截然相左的观点予以反对,我们就应该被迫重新思考该理论的正确性。然而没有人注意到这一点,我们得到了金钱的回报,得到了观点一致的人的赞美和夸奖,自然都觉得自己才是代表正义的一方。

15.如今我明白,我们的举止和疯人院里疯子的行为没有任何分别;但是那时我只是隐约地怀疑到这一点。和所有的疯子一样,我也认为除了我之外,其他人全都是疯子。

注释

〔1〕 1855年,托尔斯泰于克里木战争结束后来到彼得堡。

第三章

1.就这样,我又在这种疯狂的状态下生活了六年,直到后来结婚。在此期间我还出过国。在欧洲的生活,以及与那些博学多才、见多识广的欧洲人的交往,进而加深了我继续自我修养的信念,我也确实是这样做的。因为我发现,那些人也持有同样的信念。这种信念在我身上的表现形式和我们那个时代所有的有识之士差不多,可以用一个词来表达,那就是“进步”。当时的我觉得这个词寓意颇深。我虽过着不错的生活,却和所有人一样,整日被“人类如何能够过上更好的生活”这样的问题所困扰。当时的我还不大了解在探讨如何“与时代共同进步”这个问题时,我就像一个人坐在一只随波逐流的小船上,每当被问及那个最基本、最重要的问题:“我掌着生活的舵,驶向哪里?”,总是试图逃避问题,而只是说,“我们正被时代的浪潮带向远方。”

2.当时的我并未意识到这些。只是偶尔,我会出于本能(而不是理性)地抗拒在我生活的年代盛极一时的迷信,在那个年代,人们惯于用那样的迷信来掩饰自己对生活的无知。接下来,我在巴黎逗留期间见到的一次处决让我看到,社会进步这一迷信的根基是多么不牢靠。当我看到人们的首级与身体分离之后砰然落入木箱时,我忽然明白——不仅在理性上了解,也全身心地感受到——没有哪个关于人类生存和进步的理论能够为这样的暴行开脱。我意识到,哪怕自创世以来每一个人都根据这样或那样的理论认定这一暴行是必要的,我仍然认为这样做既不必要也不合理。如此看来,每个人应该有自己关于是非和社会进步的判断,决不能对他人言听计从,人云亦云,而应该听从自己内心最本真的声音。还有一个瞬间也让我感受到关于进步的迷信无益于人们彻底了解生命,那就是我哥哥的死。他是一个聪明、善良、庄重的人,生病的时候还很年轻,辗转病榻一年多,最终在痛苦中死去。死时他尚不知道自己为何生,更不知道自己为何死。没有什么理论能够回答这些问题,在哥哥那漫长而备受煎熬的濒死时日,我和他对生命和死亡的意义一样茫然。

3.然而这些只是偶尔出现的瞬间,事实上我仍然继续着我的生活,除了进步之外没有其他信仰。“一切都在发展,我也在进步;至于为什么我能够同万事万物共同进步,总有一天我会知晓原因,”当时的我就这样阐述自己的信仰。

4.回国后我去了乡下,在那里开办了几所农民学校,整日为此奔波忙碌。我之所以对这一职业情有独钟,是因为它没有我此前做文学教师时日益明显而强烈地感受到的虚伪。我在这里也是以进步之名办学,但我已经开始采取一种批判的态度来看待所谓的进步了。我告诉自己,进步的某些表现方式是错误的,而当我在乡下与那些农村孩子相处时,进步则必然体现为一种自由的精神,让他们得以根据自己的意愿选择任何进步的道路。

5.事实上,那时的我仍然面对着同样无法解决的问题:如何在我自己不明所以的情况下传道、授业、解惑。在较高级的文学圈子,我显然无法在自己不明所以的时候教授他人,因为我发现大家的教法各不相同,且我们在争论时总是尽可能地掩饰自己的无知。而在教这些农民孩子的时候,我可以让孩子们学习自己喜欢的任何东西,就可以避开这个难题了。为了实现自己为师授道的抱负,当年的我走了一条多么迂回的道路,想来不免觉得好笑,然而我内心深处非常清楚,我始终无法教授人们真正需要的东西,因为我自己也不知道人们究竟需要什么。那一年我忙着处理学校的各种事务,之后又去了国外,希望了解如何将我自己不明所以的东西教授给他人。

6.我觉得自己终于在那里找到了这个问题的答案,带着如此深奥的智慧,我在农奴解放那年回到俄国。这一次我以正义的公断者自居,在学校里给无知的人们传授知识,并开始在报纸杂志上发表檄文,向有识之士传播思想。这一切似乎进展地不错,但是我感到自己的精神状态不是很健康,因而这一切不会持续太久。如果不是生活中还有我从未经历过的一面——在当时看来它能够让我获得救赎——即家庭生活,我大概那时就会经历自己五十岁时陷入其中不能自拔的绝望。

7.整整一年,我忙于自己的公断工作、忙于学校的事务和在报纸杂志上发表文章,不久便筋疲力尽。这在很大程度上归咎于我思想上的紊乱;作为公断人所要处理的争端太过烦琐、学校的事务太过芜杂、我自己在报纸杂志上的搪塞支吾又令人厌恶,因为所有这些都可以最终归结到同一件事上:我想成为天下人之师,同时又始终力图掩盖一个事实,那就是我根本不知道自己教的是什么。我病了,与其说是身体上的疾病,不如说是精神上的煎熬。我中断手头所有的事情去了西伯利亚大草原,在那里我呼吸着新鲜的空气、喝着香甜的马奶酒,过着一种原始朴素的生活。

8.再次回到俄国时,我结婚了。快乐的家庭生活让我拥有了全新的活力,我彻底摆脱了所有对生命意义的追求。此时,我全部的生活都和我的家庭、妻子和孩子们联系在一起,我最关心的,就是如何改善我们的生活质量。从最初痴迷于自我完善,到后来代之以追求全人类的完善也就是社会进步,那一切都被一种更直接的欲望所战胜,就是如何让我的家庭和我本人过上最好的生活。

9.就这样又过了十五年。

10.尽管在那十五年间我觉得作家的工作无关紧要,我仍然没有间断写作。我已经尝到了身为作家的甜头,它让我在经济上获利甚丰,也为自己微不足道的工作获得了许多掌声。我将投身于写作看成是提升自己物质地位的一种手段,与此同时,我也依赖于对写作的专注来压制自己灵魂深处始终缠绕的问题,就是我自己的生命、乃至于所有人生命的意义。

11.在写作中我试图传递自己认定的唯一真理:我们必须活着,必须为了让我们自己和家人得到最好的生活而活着。

12.这样的生活又过去了许多年,直到五年前,一种非常奇怪的现象发生在我身上。起初我开始经历时断时续的迷乱;仿佛生命静止了,仿佛我并不知道应该怎样活着,应该做些什么,我陷入茫然,并进而陷入绝望。不过这样的迷乱很快就过去了,一切又恢复了先前的样子。之后这种迷乱发生得越来越频繁,出现的模式也一模一样。每到这时,当生命在一瞬间突然静止,总会有同样的问题出现在我的脑际:“为什么会这样?接下来会发生什么?”

13.起初我觉得这些问题毫无意义,也毫不相干。我觉得这些问题的答案,人所共知,只要我愿意解决,不会花费很大的力气;我觉得我一时没有时间考虑这些问题,不过只要我愿意认真思考,总会找到所有的答案。可是问题总是反复出现在我的脑海,越来越迫切地要求我给出答案。它们就像圆圆的顿点,总是回到原点,仿佛转了一个大圈,形成一个更大的黑洞。

14.随后,我终于爆发了那种常见的致命的心理疾病。开始只是一些不舒服的小迹象,一般病人都会忽视这些迹象;后来症状出现得越来越频繁,最终变成了一段时间的持续煎熬。痛苦日益加重,在病人终于意识到问题的严重性时,他发现最初忽视的那些不舒服的迹象,事实上要比世间的一切都更为重要:那就是死亡。

15.当时的我就是这样。我意识到那并不是偶尔出现的不舒服,而是非常严重的疾病。如果同样的问题不断反复出现,就必须找到答案。我试图为它们寻找答案。那些问题显得如此愚蠢、无知和傻气。然而一旦我开始思考并试图解决这些问题,便立即认定:首先,它们并不傻气而愚蠢,而是生命中最重要、最有意义的问题;其次,无论我怎样绞尽脑汁,仍然找不到答案。在我忙于在萨马拉置办房产、着手教育儿子或投身写作之前,我必须知道自己做这些事情的意义何在;如果不能了解它们的意义,我什么也做不下去。当时我正忙着考虑农场的事儿,有时突然有一个问题出现在脑中:“啊,很好,这样你就拥有了萨马拉省6000俄亩 〔1〕 的农场和300匹马了,但那又怎么样呢?”这让我觉得一片茫然,不知道接下来应该想些什么。只要一开始教育孩子们,我就会问自己“为什么?”,或者正在思考如何让农民们走向富裕,我会突然问自己“那跟我有什么关系?”,或者正想着写作带给我的显赫声名,我会对自己说,“啊,不错,这样你就比果戈理、普希金、莎士比亚、莫里哀更有名了,你会比世界上所有的作家都有名,但那又怎么样呢?”

16.对于这些问题,我根本找不到答案。

注释

〔1〕 1俄亩约合1.09公顷。

第四章

1.我的生活陷入了静止状态。我呼吸如常,吃喝入睡都像是例行公事;但是我已经没有生命力,因为没有什么现实的欲望让我觉得值得去实现。如果我希望得到什么,那么我预先就知道,不管这种欲望能否满足,我都不会从中得到快乐。

2.假如有一位魔法师站在我面前,对我说他可以满足我的若干愿望,我不知道该对他说什么。如果说在我偶尔很兴奋的时候,还会有出于习惯的欲望而不是真正的欲望的话,在我清醒的时候,我知道那些不过是幻觉。事实上,我什么也不想得到。我甚至不想知道真相,因为我已经猜到了真相是什么——真相是,生命毫无意义。

3.就仿佛一直以来我继续着自己的生活之路,现在来到了一个悬崖边,我可以清楚地看到,前方除了毁灭之外什么也没有。然而我已经不可能停下来,不可能回头,或者闭上眼睛假装对此一无所知。人生在世,原来面对的除了关于生命和快乐的谎言,就是煎熬至死的现实——生命,原本是彻底的虚无。

4.我开始厌恶生活,开始感受到有一种不可逾越的力量,它带着我寻求解脱,不管以什么方式,我一定要从这样的虚无中解脱出来。我不能说自己想自杀,那种向我招手、让我远离生命的,是一种更强大、更彻底、更宏阔的欲望;就像我曾经在一种力量的指引下不懈地追求更好的生活。只是如今,指引我的是一种反方向的力量。我用尽全力与生命的力量抗争,自杀的想法出现得如此自然,就像之前那些不断进步、完善自我的想法一样自然。这个想法强烈地吸引着我,以至于我不得不动用一些小伎俩,以免自己太仓促地做出决定。我不想莽撞,希望能够尽量看清整个事情的真相。我告诉自己,如果当时无法揭开真相,我还有的是时间。就在那时,我,一个幸运的人,开始解下之前在自己每晚更衣的单间里挂上的一根绳子,以防自己在高高的壁柜间的桁条上上吊;每次前去打猎时,我也不再像往常那样随身带一支手枪,以防自己克制不住自杀的念头,那么轻易地结束一切。我也不知道自己想要什么。我害怕生命,全力与它抗争,又仍然希望从生命中得到一些什么。

5.而在这种现象发生的时候,我生活的各个方面其实在常人看来无比完美和快乐:我还不到五十岁,有一个善良、忠实又深深为我所爱的妻子,孩子们活泼可爱,我还有很大的一片地产,即使我本人没有费什么力气,它也运转良好并有不断扩大之势。亲戚朋友比以往更加尊重我,陌生人也对我赞誉有加,我可以毫不脸红地说,自己已经是一个名人了。此外,我的精神和身体都还健康,有着同龄人少有的充沛精力和体力:在体力上我可以和农民一起在田间耕种;在脑力上我可以连续工作八、九个小时也不觉得累,之后也不会出现什么不舒服的反应。而就在这样近乎完满的生活状态下,我觉得自己简直有些活不下去了,同时又因为害怕死亡,我不得不自欺欺人,以防自己真的选择自杀。

6.这种精神状态是以下面这种方式呈现在我脑海中的:生活是某人跟我开的一个愚蠢而邪恶的玩笑。尽管我不知道这位“某人”是谁——他或许是带我来到世间的造物主——这种我被某人带到这个世界上、此人以此种方式跟我开了一个愚蠢而又邪恶的玩笑的想法,在我看来,成为表达自己当时那种精神状态的最自然的方式。

7.我不禁感到,在我身外的某一个空间,那人正一边笑着一边看我的好戏,看我如何生活了三、四十年,看我徒劳地学习、长大、达到所谓的身心成熟。看我此时因为心智完全成熟,已经来到一个生命尽头的悬崖边,我像个大傻瓜一样傻站在那里,如此坚信生命的虚无:生命毫无意义,过去没有、将来也不会有。“他看着我,时而爆发出一阵大笑……”

8.然而究竟有没有这个人在看着我笑并非问题的关键,也没有让我感到丝毫的轻松。哪怕是一个小小的举动,我都无法为它找到理性的意义,更不要说整个生命了。我只是感到震惊,为什么我一开始竟没有意识到这一点,在如此漫长的生命中,这样的问题一直存在,根本就应该是常识。今天或明天,疾病和死亡就会降临到我最心爱的人们身上,也会降临到我自己身上(或许它们已经来了)。之后除了尸骨渐寒,什么也不会留下。早晚有一天,无论我曾经立下怎样的丰功伟业,它们都会被世人遗忘,荡然无存。那么我们又在这里斤斤计较些什么呢?人,怎么可以一直活着,却看不到这一点真相?这真是太让人震惊了!只有当我们对生活迷迷糊糊时,才有可能这样活着;一旦清醒,就不可能看不到所有这一切都只是一个玩笑,一个愚蠢的恶作剧!那就是真相:没有什么诙谐幽默,一切都显得残酷而愚蠢。

9.有一个古老的东方寓言,讲述一个旅人在没有防备的情况下被一个残暴的野兽驱赶到一片空旷的大草原。为了躲开野兽,旅人藏身于一口已经干涸的深井中,但他朝下一看,井底有一条巨龙正张着大口,准备吞掉他。可怜的旅人不敢爬出深井,因为害怕被残暴的野兽吃掉,也不敢落到井底,怕那条巨龙一口吞掉他。于是他抓住井壁的石头缝里长出的一根灌木枝,整个身子吊在那里。他的胳膊渐渐没劲儿了,知道无论是上还是下,死亡就在不远处等待着他,他别无选择。然而他还是紧紧抓住手中的那颗救命稻草。他四处看看,发现有一黑一白两只老鼠,正在啃噬着他手中抓着的灌木枝的根茎,那根茎已经摇摇欲坠了。不久老鼠一定会把它彻底啃断,他就会落入巨龙的大口。旅人看到这个,知道自己注定难逃一死了。然而他吊在那里的时候有几滴蜂蜜落在灌木树叶上,他伸出舌头,舔食蜂蜜。我就是这样吊在生命之树上,我太清楚,死亡的巨龙就在下面等待着我,准备把我撕成碎片,我也不知道自己何以落入这样一口受尽折磨的深井。我试着舔食那曾经让我觉得甘甜和安慰的蜂蜜,但已经从中得不到任何快乐。白色和黑色的老鼠——白天和黑夜——无休止地啃噬着我紧紧抓住的树枝。我清楚地看到那只张着大口的巨龙,蜂蜜吃到嘴里也不再甘甜了。视线所及,只有那条让我无以逃遁的巨龙和那两只老鼠,我无法转移视线不去看它们。这不是寓言而是真相,是每个人都无法辩驳又能清楚看到的真相。

10.生命中快乐的幻觉曾一度抑制住我对巨龙的恐惧,如今我不再自欺欺人。无论我多少次听到这样的话:你根本无法理解生命的意义,过自己的生活,不要再想了——我仍然无法顺从,因为我已经顺从太久了。现在我总是看到自己被白天和黑夜交替追赶着,走向死亡。这就是我所看到的一切,因为这是唯一的真相,其他的全都是谎言。

11.那两滴蜂蜜,一是对家庭的眷恋,二是对写作——也就是我称之为艺术的事业——的热爱,曾经是引领我的目光远离残酷真相的最重要的力量,如今却已不再让我感到甜蜜了。

12.“家庭……”我自言自语道,但是我的家庭,我的妻子和孩子也都是凡俗的肉身啊。他们的处境和我一模一样:要么生活在谎言中,要么直面可怕的真相,他们也别无选择。那么他们又是为什么而活着呢?为什么我会爱他们,照顾他们,把孩子们抚养成人,时刻关注着他们的成长?是为了让他们达到此刻笼罩着我的这种绝望状态,还是为了让他们对这一切无知无觉?

13.如果我爱他们,就不能向他们隐瞒真相。在知识的海洋,每前进一步,就是离真相更进一步,而那真相就是死亡。“艺术,诗歌……”在很长一段时间里,因为成功,因为他人的赞美,我说服自己说那是一件可为之事。尽管日渐走近死亡会将那一切湮没在废墟中:我自己和我的作品,以及人们关于此二者的记忆。然而我很快意识到这也是假象。我清楚地看到,艺术只不过是生活的装点和修饰,然而既然它在我看来已全无魅力,我又如何用它去感染他人呢?我并没有真正地生活过,只是一具徒有躯壳的行尸走肉,只要我认为生命是有意义的,哪怕我说不清楚它究竟有何意义,任何诗歌和艺术中所反映的生命都会让我感受到快乐。我通过艺术的镜子观察生活,这让我无比享受。但是当我开始探寻生命的意义,当我开始感受到活着原来是不得已,这面镜子就变得无关紧要、累赘多余而荒谬可笑,甚至干脆变成了令人痛苦的折磨。在镜中,我看到的只有自己愚蠢而令人绝望的处境,就再也不能奢望从中得到安慰了。当我在自己的灵魂深处认定生命是有意义的时候,镜中的一切会带给我愉悦。那时,光影的跃动、世间的悲喜剧、生命中令人感动、令人赞叹、令人恐惧的方方面面都会给我以慰藉。然而当我发现生命没有意义,根本就是一个可怕的恶作剧时,就不再能够从镜中光影里得到娱乐了。无论蜂蜜有多甘甜,一旦我看到身子下面张着大口的巨龙和头顶上啃噬着支撑我的根茎的老鼠,就再也感受不到任何甘甜的滋味了。

14.还不止如此。如果我只是了解到生命全无意义,或许会平静地接受这一现实,觉得那是我不得不接受的宿命。然而我无法这样冷静。如果我是一个在森林里迷了路的人,知道根本没有出路,或许也就安然地活下去了;但是我像一个莽撞之徒,在森林里迷了路,明知道没有路却又为寻找出路而四处奔跑,这让我倍感恐惧。因为我知道,每往前一步都会更深地迷失,然而又无法停下脚步。

15.这是非常可怕的。于是,为了摆脱这样的恐惧,我想到了自杀。我感到未来等待着我的东西比眼前的处境更可怕,而我既无法将它驱赶开来,又没有足够的耐心平静地等待结局。无论科学界怎么说心脏的血管会在一瞬间崩裂,或者会有什么东西突然爆炸,一切都会在瞬间结束,我仍然无法平心静气地等待那一瞬间的到来。对黑暗的恐惧太强烈,我想要逃离那种恐惧,越快越好,不管是用绳子还是子弹。正是这种感觉无比强烈地引诱我走向自杀的道路。

第五章

1.有好几次我对自己说,“或许我忽略了什么,或者我对某些知识不够了解?不可能人人都会陷入这样的绝望啊。”于是我开始在人类各个分支的知识中找寻答案,之后的很长时间,我一直在苦苦求索。我可不是三心二意地敷衍了事,也绝非出于好奇一时兴起,而是拿出自己全部的耐性和毅力,就像一个垂死的人寻求解脱那样,日夜不停地寻找,最终却一无所获。

2.我企图在所有的知识中一探究竟,最终不仅一无所获,反而坚信,所有和我一样在知识中寻找答案的人,必定都和我一样一无所获。他们不仅一无所获,还不无痛苦地认识到同样令我陷入绝望的现实:生命毫无意义。这是人类所能获得的最无可辩驳的知识。

3.我到处寻找,幸亏我一直在学术圈里生活,在学术界交游甚广,可以接触到各个学科的学者。我可以通过著作或通过和他们谈话,洞察这些学者的博学广识,因而关于知识能够回答生命的所有问题,我都一一通晓。

4.在很长一段时间,我不相信知识回答不了生命的问题,而只能回答它本身提出的问题。在很长一段时间,我看到科学在提出自己的主张(那些主张多半与人类生活无关)时那一副自以为是的严肃劲儿,却并没有觉得它们加深了我对世界的理解。在很长一段时间,我在知识面前自惭形秽,觉得自己之所以没有找到问题的答案,一定是因为幼稚无知,而不是知识的错误。不过这对我来说可不是什么好笑的事情,它不是玩笑,而是我生命中一个非常重要的课题。最后我不得不得出结论,我的问题是唯一合理的问题,是所有知识学科的基础。我本人和我的问题都没有错,如果科学一度伪装自己能够回答这些问题,那就是科学的错。

5.那个让我在五十岁时几近自杀的问题乃是每个人灵魂深处最重要的问题,无论是懵懂无知的少年还是饱读诗书的智叟。根据我的经验,没有这个问题就不可能有生命。这个问题就是:我今天或明天的行为将产生什么样的后果?我的整个一生又将如何?

6.或者我们换一种表达方式,这个问题就是:我为什么活着?为什么我对世间的事物或成就有所渴望?或者再换一种表达方式:有没有一种生命的意义可以超越每个人必将面对的死亡而永恒?

7.我试图通过人类的知识回答这个问题——不管我们以何种方式表达,这些其实都是同一个问题。我发现,根据它们各自与这一问题的关系,人类知识的所有分支几乎可以分为两个对立的领域,在这两个领域的尽头分别是两个对立的极端:一个是积极的,一个是消极的。然而无论在哪一个极端,都没有对生命的问题提供任何答案。

8.其中一个知识分支甚至根本不承认问题的存在,却对它自己另行提出的问题给出了清晰而准确的答案:那就是实验科学领域,位于这一领域最极端的是数学。另一个知识领域承认这一问题的存在却没有做出回答,那就是思辨哲学领域,位于这一领域最极端的是形而上学。

9.我很年轻的时候就学习了思辨哲学,但后来却对数学和自然科学非常着迷。在我明确对自己提出那个问题,且问题本身在我的思想深处越积越深、迫切需要我做出回答之前,我对知识给出的答案一直十分满意。

10.在实验科学领域我对自己说,“一切都在发展、万事万物各有不同,它们越来越复杂精细,在这一切进步中,是有科学规律可循的。你本人就是万事万物的一个组成部分。如果你对整个世界、以及主导世界发展的科学规律了解得足够深入,你就会了解自己在这个世界中的位置,那时你就认识了你自己。”曾有一度,我似乎对这个答案非常满意,尽管今日提起这个便让我感到脸红。那个时侯,我本人也在成长,变得越来越复杂。我的肌肉在日益增大加强,我的记忆越来越丰富,我的思考和理解能力与日俱增。我日渐成长和发展成熟,并且感受到了自己体内的这种成长,自然就会相信,有一个普遍规律引导着整个世界的发展,我可以通过那个普遍规律找到自己生命问题的答案。然而不久后我不再成长;我觉得自己不再发展成熟而是日渐干枯萎缩,肌肉越来越弱,牙齿纷纷脱落,因而我不仅觉得那个普遍规律无法为我提供任何解释,甚至觉得世界上从来没有、也不可能有这样一个规律。我把自己在生命中的某一段时间看到的东西误认为是普遍规律了。在更加严格地考察了它的定义之后,我明确得出结论,根本没有什么永恒发展的规律。我清楚地看到,什么世间万事万物都在永恒的时间和空间中不断发展,越来越完美、复杂和与众不同,这些全都是没有任何实际意义的空话。这些话根本没有意义,因为在永恒的时间和空间里,根本不存在简单和复杂、之前和之后、更好和更糟的分别。

11.最重要的是,这样的论断对于我个人的问题,有关我和我所有的欲望的问题,没有提出任何解决方案。我发现这些科学研究的确非常有趣和迷人,但是它们的精确和清晰与它们各自与生命问题的相关性成反比:与生命问题的相关性越小的学科,就越清晰、越精确;而越是试图解决生命问题的学科,就越晦涩模糊、枯燥无味。看看那些试图回答生命问题的学科,看看生理学、心理学、生物学和社会学,我们会发现,这些学科几乎根本没有什么思想,所有的语言都混沌模糊,简直就是粉墨登场,伪装自己能够解决超出其学科范围之外的问题。各位思想家之间还不停地发生冲突(甚至常常自相矛盾)。再看看那些根本不关心生命问题、而只是回答其本身的专业科学问题的学科,人们大概会惊叹人类智慧的力量,然而就算不探讨这些学科我们也知道,它们根本不会回答有关生命的根本问题。这些学科全然无视这个问题。它们说:“关于你是谁、你为什么活着这个问题,我们不知道,这个问题也与我们无关。但如果你想知道关于光的定理,或者化学合成,或者有机物生长的机理;如果你想知道物理天体及其形状的各种规律,想知道它们的大小和数目之间的关系;或者如果你想知道人类大脑的生理机制,我们会向你提供清楚、精确而无可辩驳的答案。”

12.总的来说,实验科学与生命问题的关系可以这样来概括。

问:我为什么活着?

答:在无限的空间和永恒的时间里,有无限多的小分子以无限复杂的形式进行着各种变异;一旦你了解了这些变异的规律,你就知道自己为什么活着了。

13.后来我转而探索思想领域,当时的我是这样想的:“整个人类依据一定的精神原则和理想成长、生活和发展成熟。这些思想观念可以分别表达为宗教、科学、艺术和政治。随着这些思想日益提升,人类也会跟着进步,变得更加幸福。我既然是人类的一份子,自然应该以认识和实现这样的理想为己任。”我在没有什么判断力的时期,对这样的说法十分满意。然而一旦我对有关生命的问题有了清晰的认识,这一套理论立刻不堪一击,轰然坍塌。这类知识学科通常在下结论时都显得轻率随便、模棱两可,它们仅对少量样本进行研究就匆忙做出概括性的推断。这一理论体系不同的支持者之间,总是就人类的理想究竟是什么充满了矛盾和争吵,这一观点的古怪之处(或者说愚蠢之处)就在于,为了回答这个摆在每个人面前的问题:“我是谁?”或者,“我为什么活着”,或者,“我应该做些什么”,人们必须先解决“人类的生命是什么”这个问题。关于后一个问题,人们所知实在不多,他们所能探索的,不过是人类历史的一瞬间中一个小片段的一小部分而已。也就是说,要了解自己,必须先了解整个人类的秘密,而所谓人类,正是由像此人一样完全不了解自己的个人组成的。

14.我得承认自己曾经笃信这一理论。那时我有自己偏爱的一套理想来为自己的突发奇想、反复无常找借口。我试图创造一种理论,将自己的这些突发奇想定为适用全人类的普遍规律。然而一旦我从灵魂深处非常清楚地提出了最基本的生命问题,这个答案立即消失得无影无踪了。我开始意识到,和实验科学一样,这个领域也存在着真正的科学和伪科学,二者都力图回答超出其学科范围之外的问题。这里也同样存在一系列全然不同的学科分支,这些分支同样力图回答超出其学科范围之外的问题。这些伪科学——包括法律、社会和历史学——全都试图解决人类的各种问题,并假装它们能够以自己的方式解答那个与全人类有关的生命问题。

15.然而,如果说在实验科学领域,一个人认真地提出“他应该怎样活着”这样一个问题,听到有人建议他去研究在无限的时空中无限多的分子以无限复杂的形式进行的变异,他一定不会满意的话,那么同样,如果有人建议他为了解自己就必须先探求整个人类的生命,他也一定不会满意。因为根本没有人知道人类的生命从何处始,至何处终,哪怕其中最小的一部分我们也一无所知。此外,就像实验科学领域的那些伪科学一样,这些科学越是偏离其目的,就越是模棱两可,毫无精确性,愚蠢而矛盾重重。实验科学关心的问题是物质现象的因果顺序,人们只需要问到一个关于终极原因的问题,实验科学就立即变成一堆废纸。思想领域面临的问题是它认为生命的本质是超出因果界定的,人们只要在考察时引入因果现象,如社会或历史数据,就会让这一整套科学变成胡言乱语。

16.因此,实验科学并不在自己的体系中引入终极原因的问题,而只是探讨积极的知识,揭示人类智慧的不同凡响;而抽象的思想领域是后来成为科学的,它完全无视因果现象的顺序问题,而只是考察与某一个终极原因有关的人类,以此来揭示人类智慧的不同凡响。举例来说,在这一领域的最极端就是形而上学,即抽象哲学。这门科学明确提出了:“我是谁?”以及“宇宙是什么?我为什么存在,宇宙又为什么存在?”的问题。自从这门科学产生以来,它为这些问题提出的答案永远都是一样的。无论哲学认为我们生命的本质、乃至万事万物的本质是思想还是物质、精神还是意志,其所表达的都只是同一个意思:我存在,而我就是这个本质。然而他并没有解决怎样存在和为什么存在的问题,如果这位哲学家是一个严谨的思想者,他就根本找不到答案。我问:“这个本质又为什么存在?它现在是什么样子,将来又是什么样子?”哲学不仅没有回答这些问题,反而又提出了同样的问题。如果它是真正的哲学,那么它的全部任务就在于明确提出这个问题。而如果它恪守这一原则,那么它对于“我是谁”以及“宇宙是什么”的回答就只有一个:“要么是一切,要么是虚无。”而它对宇宙为什么存在、我又为什么存在这个问题的回答也只有一个,那就是:“不知道。”

17.因此,无论我怎样苦苦思索哲学经过冥想做出的这些回答,我看到的统统不能称其为答案。其原因不同于表达较为清楚的实验科学,在后者中,答案与问题本身没有关系;而就哲学来说,其原因是,尽管哲学家们为了回答我的问题而博学强记、绞尽脑汁,他们仍然没有答案。哲学所提供的不是答案,而是同样的问题,只不过是换了一种方式提出来而已。

第六章

1.为了寻找生命问题的答案,我觉得自己就像一个在森林中迷路的旅人。

2.我来到一片空地,爬到一棵树上极目四望,可以看到很远的远方,却看不到一座小木屋或任何栖居之所。我走入一片灌木丛,身处黑暗,四周苍茫一片,却发现那里也没有我要找的小木屋。

3.我以同样的方式徜徉于人类知识的森林,既沐浴了数学知识和实验科学那明媚的光线——在那里我可以远眺地平线,却找不到一座小木屋——也陷入了思想领域那幽深的暗影——在这里我走得越远,笼罩天地的黑暗就越是汹涌。后来我坚信,在这里,我没有、也根本不可能有任何出路。

4.当我走向知识的光明一端,我发现那只是在逃避问题。无论在我面前伸出的地平线多么灿烂光明,无论将自己沉迷于这无尽的知识中是多么美妙的诱惑,我已经知道,这些知识越是清楚而条理分明,我就越不需要它,因为它越解答不了我的问题。“嗯,”我自言自语道,“我完全了解了科学所迫切了解的东西,在那条路上,我根本找不到关于生命意义这个问题的答案。”在另一端的思想领域,我知道尽管这类知识的根本目的是要解答我的问题——或许正是因为这个原因——它所能给我的却无非是我自己已经找出的那个一模一样的答案。即,问:“生命的意义是什么?”答:“生命没有意义。”或者,问:“我的生命最终将变成什么样子?”答:“无尽的虚无。”再或者,问:“那么世界为什么存在,我又为什么存在?”答:“因为它们的确存在。”

5.如果为了回答这个问题而去研究人类知识的一个分支,我会得到无数非常精确的答案,只不过那些都不是我提出的问题的答案。什么星体的化学组成啦、太阳朝向武仙星座的运动啦、物种和人类的起源啦、无限小的原子的形状啦、乃至于非常微小且数目无限的大气分子的浮动啦,等等。然而关于我提出的生命意义的问题,这一知识分支给出的唯一答案是:“你就是你所称之为生命的东西,你是一团暂时存在的、偶尔聚集在一起的物质,这些分子物质的相互作用和变化在你的体内构成了所谓的生命。这一聚集体只能在有限的时间内存续,一旦分子之间的相互作用停止了,也就是我们所说的生命停止了,所有的问题也将随之结束。人的生命就是某种物质的随机组合,该组合堆不断分解,其发酵的过程就是所谓的生命;该组合堆最终将彻底解体,发酵过程终将停止,那时所有的问题也将一并消失。”这就是精确的科学知识给出的答案,如果这些学科严格坚持其本身的原则的话,它们也只能提供这一种答案。

6.然而事实是,这个答案根本没有回答我提出的问题。我需要知道自己生命的意义何在,关于“生命乃是无限时空中的一份子”这样的命题不仅未能说出生命的意义,反而消解了它可能会有的任何意义。

7.如果实验科学试图与思想领域的科学进行暧昧的妥协,它会说生命的意义在于发展,以及对这种发展的促进和鼓励。然而这样的说法太过含混朦胧,根本无法称之为答案。

8.位于人类知识领域另一端的思想科学,如果严格坚持其本身的原则,会试图直接解答生命意义的问题。然而自古以来,它给出的永远是同一个答案:“宇宙是无限的、不可理解的,人类的生命是这个莫测高深的‘整体’的一个莫测高深的组成部分。”在这里,我同样排除了思想领域试图与实验科学(它还包括一整套伪科学)进行的妥协:即所谓的法学、政治学和历史学。在这些科学中也同样存在对于发展和完善的错误理解,唯一的区别是,自然科学探讨的是万事万物的发展,而思想科学讨论的是人类生命的发展。二者所犯的错误也一模一样:在无限的时空中,发展和完善既无目的、也无方向,而关于我的问题,没有答案。

9.在精确的思想知识,也就是在真正的哲学而不是叔本华所谓的专业哲学(它唯一的作用是把所有现存的现象归入新的哲学类别并给它们加上新的标签)中,哲学并非没有看到那个基本的问题,而其给出的答案只有一个,那就是苏格拉底、叔本华、所罗门和佛所给出的那个答案。

10.“我们只有在与生命渐行渐远时,才会越来越接近生命的实质,”苏格拉底在垂死之时如是说。“那么,我们这些热爱真理之人在生命中又在苦苦求索些什么呢?脱离肉体,并远离起源于肉体生命的所有邪恶之事。如果是这样,那么为什么当死亡临近,我们竟无论如何也高兴不起来呢?”

11.“智者通过生命走向死亡,因此死亡并不令其有所恐惧。”

12.“认识到世界内在的本质是意志,”叔本华说,“并在一切现象中——从无知觉的自然力的无意识的企图直到人的完全有意识的活动,只承认这种意志的具体性,我们就不能回避一个结果,即随着意志的任意否定和自我消亡,一切现象,世界赖以生存的、持久的、既无目的又不停息的、具有不同程度具体内容的希望和爱好也将消失。因果关系的多样性也将消失,随同形式一起,意志的具有空间和时间这种一般形式的一切现象也就消失。结果是世界最终的基本形式——主体和客体也消失了。没有意志,没有表象,也就没有世界。在我们面前就只有虚无。但是抗拒向寂灭转化的一切,我们的自然界也不过是这种构成我们自身和我们世界的生存意志。我们这样害怕寂灭,或者换一种说法,我们这样想活着。这只意味着我们本身就是这种生存的愿望,除此以外,我们一无所知。因此,对我们这些还充满意志的人说来,意志完全消亡之后,剩下的当然是虚无。与此相反,对于意志发生了变化并已消亡的那些人来说,我们这一非常现实的世界,连同他所有的太阳和银河,都是虚无。” 〔1〕

13.“虚空的虚空,”所罗门说,“凡事都是虚空。人一切的劳碌,就是他在日光之下的劳碌,有什么益处呢?一代过去,一代又来,地球永远长存……已有的事,后必再有;已行的事,后必再行。日光之下,并无新事。岂有一件事人能指着说:这是新的。哪知,在我们以前的世代早已有之。已过的世代,无人记念;将来的世代,后来的人也不记念。我传道者在耶路撒冷作过以色列的王。我专心用智慧寻求查究天下所做的一切事,乃知神叫世人所经练的,是极重的劳苦。我见日光之下所做的一切事,都是虚空,都是捕风……我心里议论说,我得了大智慧,胜过我以前在耶路撒冷的众人,而且我心中多经历智慧和知识的事。我又专心察明智慧、狂妄和愚昧,乃至这也是捕风。因为多有智慧,就多有忧烦;加增知识的,就加增忧伤。” 〔2〕 “我在心里说:来吧!我以喜乐试试你,你好享福。谁知,这也是虚空。我指嬉笑说:这是狂妄;论喜乐说:有何功效呢?我心里察究,如何用酒使我肉体舒畅,我心却仍以智慧引导我;又如何持住愚昧,等我看明世人,在天下一生当行何事为美。我为自己动大工程,建造房屋,栽种葡萄园;建造园囿,在其中栽种各种各样果木树;挖造水池,用以浇灌嫩小的树木。我买了奴婢,也有生在家中的奴婢;又有许多牛群羊群,胜过以前在耶路撒冷众人所有的。我又为自己积蓄金银和君主的财宝,以及各省的财宝;又得唱歌的男女和世人取乐之物,如乐器及诸如此类。这样,我就日见昌盛,胜过以前在耶路撒冷的众人。我的智慧仍然存留。凡我目之所求,我没有不留给他的;我心之所乐的,我没有不享受的;因我的心为我一切所劳碌的快乐,这就是我从劳碌中所得的份。后来,我察看我手所经营的一切事和我劳碌所成的功,谁知都是虚空,都是捕风,在日光之下毫无益处。我转念观看智慧、狂妄和愚昧。在王以后而来的人还能做什么呢?也不过行早先所行的就是了。我便看出智慧胜过愚昧,如同光明胜过黑暗。智慧人的眼目光明;愚昧人在黑暗里行。我却看明一件事,这两等人都必遇见。我在心里说,愚昧人所遇见的,我也必遇见,我为何更有智慧呢?我心里说,这也是虚空。智慧人和愚昧人一样,永远无人纪念,因为日后都被忘记。可叹智慧人死亡,与愚昧人无异。我所以恨恶生命,因为在日光之下所行的事,我都以为烦恼,都是虚空,都是捕风。我恨恶一切的劳碌,就是我在日光之下的劳碌,因为我得来的必留给我以后的人……人在日光之下劳碌累心,在他一切的劳碌上得着什么呢?因为他日日忧虑,他的劳苦成为忧烦,连夜间心也不安。这也是虚空。人强莫如吃喝,且在劳碌中享福……” 〔3〕

14.“凡临到众人的事,都是一样。义人和恶人都遭遇一样的事;好人、洁净人和不洁净人、献祭的与不献祭的,也是一样。好人如何,罪人也如何;起誓的如何,怕起誓的也如何。在日光之下所行的一切事上,有一件祸患,就是众人所遭遇的都是一样,并且世人的心充满了恶。活着的时候心里狂妄,后来就归死人那里去了。与一切活人相连的,那人还有指望,因为活着的狗总比死去的狮子强。活着的人知道必死,死去的人毫无所知,也不再得赏赐,他们的名无人记念。他们的爱,他们的恨,他们的嫉妒,早都消灭了。在日光之下所行的一切事上,他们永不再有份了。” 〔4〕

15.所罗门,就是那个写下这些话语的人,如是说。

16.以下是一位印度先哲讲述的故事:“释迦牟尼是一位年轻快乐的王子,从不知道疾病、年迈和死亡为何物。有一天他乘坐马车外出,看见一个可怕的老人,老人满嘴的牙掉光了,口水顺着嘴角流下来。王子因为从不知年迈为何物,非常惊诧,就问马夫那是什么,为什么让我遭遇这样一个可怜、可恶又可憎的景象?当他听说这是所有人的宿命,就连他这位年轻的王子有朝一日也会面临同样的境遇时,王子再也无心游玩,命令马车回程,让他好好考虑一下这件事儿。他把自己关在房里,仔细想了几天。或许他在思考中得到了某种安慰,因为过了几天他又乘马车外出了,和前一次一样欢快开心。但这一次他又遇到了一个病人。他遇到一个人一脸憔悴、脸色发青,眼里暗淡无光。王子因为从不知疾病为何物,便让车夫停下,问那是什么。当他听说那就是疾病,所有人都会染上疾病,即使他这样健康快乐的王子,恐怕明天便难逃疾病的魔爪,他的快乐心情再度烟消云散,命令车夫回程,他回到王宫,为自己寻找安慰。他大概又找到了安慰,因为过了几天,他第三次乘坐马车外出游玩。而这一次,他又看见了一个新鲜事物:他看到一些人肩上扛着什么东西。“那是什么?”“死人。”“死人是什么?”王子问。他被告知,人都会死。王子走向死者的尸体,揭开盖子看了一样。“他会变成什么样子呢?”他问道。王子被告知,死人将被埋在地下。“为什么?”“因为他永不可能复活,只会变成一堆白骨,身上爬满尸虫。”“所有的人都必须有此下场吗?我也会这样吗?我也会被埋在地下,变成一堆白骨,身上爬满尸虫?”“是的。”“回宫!我再也不想出来游玩了,我再也不会出宫了!”

17.释迦牟尼无法在生命中找到安慰,便认定生命本身乃是大恶,他竭尽心力要让自己和他人摆脱生命。他所期望的摆脱生命的方式是,人死后不会在任何地方重生,只会变成虚无,彻头彻尾的虚无。所有的印度先哲们都这么说。

18.让我们总结一下人类凭借自己的智慧就生命的问题给出的答案。

19.“肉体生命是大恶,是谎言。既然肉体生命的消失是我们的福祉,我们就必然渴望它的消失,”苏格拉底说。

20.“生命原不应如此,可它的确是:罪恶。向着虚无的转化乃是生命中唯一神圣的事,”叔本华说。

21.“世间万事万物,凭它是愚是智、是富是穷、是喜是悲,都是虚空。人死之后,什么也不会留下。此乃荒诞,”所罗门说。

22.“人生来苦难,贫病交加,老迈虚弱,必死无疑,人不能念此而生,必须摆脱生命,摆脱一切可能的生命,”佛说。

23.这些伟人们的所说所想,和成千上万的普通人没有分别。我也曾思考过这些,也有过同样的感觉。

24.就这样,我在知识领域的研读不仅未能让我走出绝望,反而加深了我的绝望。一个分支没有解答生命的问题;另一个分支虽给出了答案,却只是再次印证了我的绝望,向我证明,我得出的结论并非因为选择了歧路,也不是因为我的思想出了问题。相反,它让我坚信,我所想的都是正确的,世间最伟大的智者,得出的结论也不过如此。

25.自欺欺人毫无意义,一切都是虚空。只有从未来到世上之人才会快乐,死亡强于生命;我们必须摆脱生命。

注释

〔1〕 叔本华《作为意志和表象的世界》,结论部分。商务印书馆,1997年,石冲白译。

〔2〕 《圣经·旧约·传道书》第一章。

〔3〕 《圣经·旧约·传道书》第二章。

〔4〕 《圣经·旧约·传道书》第九章。

第七章

1.既然在知识领域的考察未能给我一个满意的解释,我便开始在生活中寻找,希望能够在周围的人身上找到答案。我开始观察身边那些像我一样的人如何生活,他们又如何解答这个让我陷入绝望的问题。

2.我发现,那些和我处境相同,也就是所受的教育和生活方式相似的人,也都和我一样,陷入了绝望。

3.我发现在这个生活圈子里,人们用四种方式逃避着那个人人都会面对的可怕困境。

4.第一种逃避方式是无知,是指看不到、或无法理解,生命乃是邪恶和荒诞的。大多数这类人要么是女人,要么是小孩,要么是蠢人,他们尚不能了解叔本华、所罗门抑或佛所面对的问题。既看不到在井底张着大口等待的巨龙,也看不到手中紧紧抓住的灌木树枝几乎被老鼠啃得连根拔起,而只是自顾自地享受着蜂蜜的甘甜。不过这种享受不会持续太久,他们总会转而注意到巨龙和老鼠,蜂蜜的甘甜终会变得无味。我从这些人那里学不到任何东西,因为知道了就是知道了,你再也不可能佯装不知,回到从前。

5.第二种逃避方式是享乐主义,是指在了解到生命的绝望境地之后,人可以无视巨龙和老鼠的威胁去享受福祉,悠闲地品味蜂蜜的甘甜,特别是当落在灌木树枝上的蜂蜜很多时尤其如此。所罗门如此描述这种方式:

6.“我就称赞快乐,原来人在日光之下,莫强如吃喝玩乐,因为他在日光之下,神赐他……” 〔1〕

7.“你只管去欢欢喜喜吃你的饭,心中快乐喝你的酒……当同你所爱的妻快活度日,因为那是你生前在日光之下劳碌的事上所得的份额。凡你当做的事,要尽力去做,因为在你所必去的阴间,没有工作,没有谋算,没有知识,也没有智慧。” 〔2〕

8.在我的生活圈子中,绝大多数人都采纳这第二种逃避方式。他们身处其中的优渥条件决定了他们拥有更多更好的生活资料;道德上的麻木令其忘记了自己所有的优越地位都是偶然的,不是每个人都可以像所罗门那样拥有一千嫔妃佳丽和奢华宫殿。如果这世间有一个人拥有一千嫔妃,必定有一千人连平凡糟糠都娶之不得。这世间的每一座奢华宫殿必定是一千个人辛勤劳作、大汗淋漓方能建成,如果你今天能够成为所罗门,那么明天你也同样可能成为所罗门的奴隶。这些人由于缺乏想象力而忘记了为什么佛的内心无法平静:疾病、年迈和死亡都是人无以逃遁的宿命,早晚有一天,它们会将世间所有的享乐化为乌有。其中有一些人认为,其思考的迟钝和想象力的缺乏乃是所谓的“积极哲学”。在我看来,即使这样,他们与前一种人也没有任何差别,虽然前一种人根本看不到问题,而只知享受蜂蜜的甘甜。我无法学这些人的做派,因为我不像他们那样缺乏想象力,也无法将自己伪装成他们的样子。和所有真诚生活的人一样,我一旦看见了老鼠和巨龙,就无法再对其视而不见。

9.第三种逃避方式要诉诸力量。这种方式意识到生命是邪恶和无意义的,就企图摧毁生命,少数强壮而坚定的人就是如此。这类人知道生命是造化对他们开的一个无比愚蠢的玩笑,意识到死亡的福祉要比生活的福祉大得多。世间最好的事情莫过于放弃生命,便立即付诸行动,不惜使用任何方法在一瞬间结束这种愚蠢的玩笑:围着脖颈缠上绳索、投水、用匕首刺向心脏、抑或卧在铁轨上等待下一辆火车的到来。在我们的生活圈子中,越来越多的人选择这种方式。总的来说,这样行事的人都是在青壮年时期做出这一选择的,那时他们的灵魂充满力量,还没有养成什么摧毁理性的坏习惯。我一度觉得这是最有价值的逃避方式,也企图效仿。

10.第四种逃避方式是软弱,是指即使知道生命没有任何意义,也紧紧抓住这邪恶和徒劳的生命不肯放手。这一类人知道死亡强于生命,却缺乏力量采取理性的行动,通过自杀很快结束这种骗局,他们似乎在等待着什么。这便使之成为一种软弱的逃避方式,因为如果知道世上有更好的东西,又唾手可得,为什么不去顺从自己内心的意愿呢?我自己就属于这一类人。

11.就这样,与我同类的人们有四种方式可以将自己拯救出这可怕的困境。我苦思冥想,除了这四种逃避方式之外,再也找不到其他的方式。在第一种方式中,人们未能意识到生命是没有意义、徒劳而邪恶的,未能意识到放弃生命乃是更明智的选择。我既然无法避免地知道了,一旦有此意识,便无法对其视而不见。第二种方法选择利用生命,而不去思考未来,这个我也做不到。和释迦牟尼一样,当我知道了苦难、老迈和死亡的存在,就无法再满心欢喜地外出打猎了。我的想象力太过丰富;再说,某些转瞬即逝的事件或许会让我们的生命有些许快乐,我却不能从中得到安慰。第三种方法是意识到生命的邪恶和荒诞之后,通过自杀结束生命。第四种逃避的方式则是像所罗门和叔本华那样生活,知道生命是某种造化的力量对我们开的一个愚蠢的玩笑,却仍然继续活着,洗漱、穿衣、吃饭、聊天,甚至还写作。我虽然觉得这样活着既屈辱又痛苦,却仍然保留着这种生活方式。

12.如今我终于明白,当初我之所以没有自杀,是因为我隐约模糊地意识到,自己的观点是错误的。无论我觉得自己的思路多么合理而不可辩驳,抑或那些让我们得出生命毫无意义之结论的想法多么明智,自己一直思虑所得的最终结果到底是否合理,我仍然暗地里有些怀疑。

13.当时的我这样表述这种怀疑:我,亦即我的理性,已经认识到生命是非理性的。如果没有什么高于理性(的确如此,我们无法证明世间有什么东西高于理性),那么在我看来,就是理性创造了我。没有理性,我就没有生命。那么,如果理性本身就是生命的创造者,它又怎么可能否定生命呢?或者换一种说法:如果没有生命,那么理性也就不复存在,这就必然意味着理性乃是生命的产物。生命才是一切。理性只是生命的结果,而这种理性本身却否定了生命。我感觉到,整套思路有一个环节出了问题。

14.我对自己说:生命是毫无意义的邪恶之事,这一点毫无疑问;然而我一直活着且至今仍然活着;全人类也一直活着,且至今仍然活着,这是怎么回事呢?如果能够选择不再活着,人们为什么还活着呢?难道说,只有叔本华和我才有天才的心智,能够理解生命的了无意义和邪恶本质?

15.关于生命乃是虚空的论断并不是什么特别深奥的道理,普通人很久以前就知道这个道理,然而他们却仍然一直活着。怎么可能所有的人都这样活着,而从不考虑生命的逻辑呢?

16.我自己的所知经过了历代先哲的智慧验证,我从中明白,万事万物,无论是有机物还是无机物,其生存秩序都显示出极为非凡的智慧,而只有我自己的处境是荒诞的。然而这些蠢人——广大头脑简单的人,根本不知道什么有机物和无机物在世界上的秩序,却仍然活着,且觉得生命的安排是如此合理!

17.之后我忽然想到,或许有些什么是我自己不知道的。毕竟那正是无知的表现,无知者总是嘟囔着我正在说的这些话——如果无知者不知道什么,他就说他不知道的东西是愚蠢的。无论如何,似乎全人类都一直在生活,至今仍然活着,仿佛它知道生命的意义,因为如果不知道生命的意义它就无法继续存活。而我却在说生命是没有意义的,我无法继续生活下去。

18.没有人阻止叔本华和我放弃生命。去吧,去自杀,那样你就不会再想这些了。如果你不喜欢生命,大可以去自杀。如果你活着而又无法了解生命的意义,就结束生命,而不要到处大放厥词或制造文字垃圾,说什么你不了解生命。你看,周围的人都活得很开心,每个人都非常快乐,知道自己在做什么,所以,如果你觉得生活无聊而不愉快,你就走吧!

19.因为毕竟,如果我们相信自杀是必须的且又无法下定决心结束生命,那么我们难道不是最软弱、最言行不一,或者坦白说,最愚蠢的人吗?嘴里高唱着结束生命的赞歌,却又伴着自己的平庸与生命共舞。

20.毕竟,无论我们是怎样无可辩驳的智者,我们的智慧并未有助于我们了解生命的意义。而成千上万的庸人依然活着,从没有怀疑过生命的意义。

21.的确,自从生命在我一无所知的远古时期开始以来,那些了解生命之虚空的论断的人(在我看来,他们的确证明了生命毫无意义)却活了下来,为生命注入了其独特的意义。自从世界上开始存在某种形式的人类生命以来,人们就一直认定生命是没有意义的,却仍然继续活着,并将生命的薪火传到了我的手上。我体内和我身边的一切都是他们理解生命的结果。我用来判断和谴责生命的思想方法也是由他们——而不是由我本人——创造的。因为有了他们,我才来到这个世界上,接受教育,长大成人。他们从地下挖出了铁矿,教会我们如何伐木和驯养牛马,教会我们如何种植庄稼,如何群居;他们创造了一种生活的秩序。他们教会我如何思考,如何说话。我是他们的后代,他们给了我食物和水,给了我教育,让我得以用他们的思想和语言,思考和论道。现在,我却在向他们证明,这一切毫无意义!“一定是某个环节出了问题,”我对自己说,“我的某一个推论一定是错误的。”然而我却不知道究竟是哪一个环节出了问题。

注释

〔1〕 《圣经·旧约·传道书》第八章。

〔2〕 《圣经·旧约·传道书》第九章。

第八章

1.如今我已经能够比较清晰连贯地说出这些疑虑了,而当时我却根本说不清它们是什么。当时我只是觉得,尽管我关于生命的虚空本质的推断在逻辑上有其必然性,也经过了许多伟大思想家的验证,却仍然存在问题。我不知道是自己的推理过程有漏洞,还是我对生命问题的陈述不够严密,只是觉得自己在得出结论之前的推理过程虽然完整,却仍然不够充分。所有这些结论都未能说服我服从自己的论证逻辑——也就是选择自杀。如果我说,我是通过自己的理性达到了那样一种状态而没有选择自杀,那一定是在说谎。我的理性仍然在起作用,但是同时起作用的还有其他东西,我只能称之为一种“生命意识”。当时似乎有另一种力量在起作用,它让我更多地关注这种生命意识而非理性。正是这种力量让我走出了自己的绝望状态,将我的理性引向一个截然不同的方向。它促使我关注一个事实,那就是我,以及成百上千和我一样的其他人,并非人类的全部,而我也并不知道全人类的生活是什么样子。

2.看看我自己的四周,也就是我的同事们那个狭小的圈子。这些人要么浑浑噩噩,要么寻欢作乐,要么自我终结,要么绝望等待。除此之外,我看不到其他的生活方式。我起初以为这个学者的小圈子,我的生活圈子中有钱、有名望的这些人便构成了整个人类,而那些一直活着、至今仍然活着的数以千百万计的人们只是“他们”,类似于某种牲口,是庸常麻木的“人们”。

3.如今想来真是奇怪,也完全不可理解,那时我对生活的理性思考中,竟完全无视周围所有人的生活。我竟如此荒谬而错误地认为,我自己的生活,以及所罗门和叔本华的生活,才是真实而正常的生活,而那些数百万平庸人的生活则根本不值一提。无论今天看来多么奇怪,这些的确是我当时真实的想法。在我骄傲地无目的地思考的过程中,我认定所罗门、叔本华和我本人非常诚实而准确地提出了生命的问题,就这个问题来说,不可能再有第二条道路。我非常肯定地认为,那些数百万普通人根本未曾深入该问题的实质,在我为自己寻找生命的意义时,我从来没有问过自己:“那数百万一直活着、如今仍然活在世上的人,他们又如何让自己的生命有意义呢?”

4.很长一段时间,我就生活在这样一种疯狂的状态中。那是更激进、受过更多教育的人们较为典型的状态,如果他们大多数尚未付诸行动,起码在语言上如此。然而或许是因为我对真正的劳动人民有一种多少有些奇怪却出自天然的喜爱,迫使我去理解他们,意识到他们并非我们所想的那样愚昧无知;或许是因为我认定自己除了自杀之外无事可做的信念非常诚实。我觉得无论如何,如果我希望继续活着并了解生命的意义的话,就不能够在那些已经失去生命或希望自杀的人们身上寻找,而应该看看那些创造过生命,且愿意为自己和他人的生命负责的人,无论他们仍然活着还是已经逝去。我于是环顾四周,仔细观察简朴的普通大众,他们多半没受过什么教育,也没有钱,却一直活着且仍在活着,我看到了全然不同的东西。我看到除了少数例外情况,那数百万普通人并不适合我的分类,不能够把他们简单地归类为不理解生命问题的人,因为他们自己非常清楚地提出并回答了那个有关生命的问题。我也无法将他们归类为享乐主义者,因为在他们的生活中,匮乏和苦难远远多于富足和快乐。我更不能将他们看作是非理性地继续自己无意义的生活的人,因为它们可以清楚地解释自己生活中的每一个行为,包括死亡。他们认为,自杀是最大的恶。看来,整个人类有其理解生命意义的方式,我自己不知道那种方式,反而还嘲笑他们。也就是说,理性的知识未能为生命注入意义,反而让生命失去了意义;而数百万普通人——也就是整个人类——所赋予生命的意义,其所依据的知识却一直遭到我们的鄙视、被认定为谬误。

5.所谓的学者和智者们制造出来的理性知识否定了生命的意义,而大众——构成整个人类的普通大众——认识到,生命的意义就存在于非理性的知识中。这种非理性的知识就是信仰,那正是我曾经禁不住鄙视和放弃的东西:三位一体的上帝、六天创世说、魔鬼和天使,乃至所有曾经令我无法接受、令我抓狂的东西。

6.我的处境非常可怕。我终于知道,在理性知识的道路上我一无所获,只能不断否定生命。而在信仰中,我只能看到对理性的否定,对我来说,这要比否定生命更为艰难。根据理性的知识,生命是邪恶的,人们知道这一点。他们可以选择结束生命,却总是选择继续活着;正如我自己,尽管很久以前便已清楚地知道生命是邪恶而没有意义的,仍然继续活着。而根据信仰得出的结论是,为了理解生命的意义我必须放弃理性,唯有理性才让人有必要寻找意义。

第九章

1.一个矛盾产生了,摆脱这个矛盾的出路只有两条:要么我称之为理性的东西并非如我所想的那般理智,要么我以前看来非理性的东西并非我自己认为的那样毫无理智。我开始检验源自理性知识的论证过程。

2.我检验了这一论证过程,发现它是完全正确的,“生命就是虚空”是这一论证的必然结论。不过我发现了一个错误,那就是我的思考过程与我提出的问题并不对应。问题是:我为什么活着?或者,在这虚幻而转瞬即逝的一生中,有没有什么东西可以永恒而不会被人们彻底遗忘?再或者,在一个无限的宇宙中,我有限的生命存在的意义是什么?为了回答这个问题,我开始了对生命的探索。

3.目前已有的对所有可能的生命问题的解答显然无法令我满意,因为我的问题,无论乍看之下多么简单,都需要通过无限对有限做出解释,或者反过来,需要通过有限对无限做出解释。

4.我的问题是:“超越时空和因果循环的生命究竟有何意义?”而我试图回答的问题是:“在时空和因果循环中,我的生命有何意义?”结果,无论经过多长时间,无论我怎样绞尽脑汁地思考,都只能回答:“没有意义”。

5.在思考过程中,我总是在有限和有限之间进行比较,在无限和无限之间进行比较,也不可能另寻他途。因此我所能得到的唯一结论就是:力量就是力量,问题就是问题,意志就是意志,无限就是无限,虚空就是虚空;我无法超越这些,走得更远。

6.这有点像在数学里为求解一个方程式而得到一个恒等式。推断的方法是正确的,然而得到的唯一答案却是a等于a,x等于x,0等于0。我关于生命意义问题的推理过程就出现了这样的问题。科学就此问题所给能出的答案无非就是一堆恒等式。

7.的确,严格遵循理性的知识,如笛卡尔的知识,都是从彻底怀疑一切、否定基于信仰的一切知识开始的,它根据理性和实验的规律重建世界。这样所得出的答案无非就是我已得到的那个答案:含混模糊、悬而未决。只有在最初,我才认为知识给出了一个肯定的答案,也就是叔本华的答案,生命是邪恶而没有意义的。但是一经深入研究那个问题,我立即意识到这个答案并不是肯定的最终答案,只是我自己想当然地这样认为。严格地说,尽管那是文人雅士们、是所罗门和叔本华提出的答案,它仍然是一个模糊的恒等式:0等于0,我所面对的虚空的生命就是虚空。因此,哲学知识并没有否定什么,只是回答说它无法解决问题,因为就哲学所能及的范围,任何答案都是含混模糊的。

8.了解这一点之后,我意识到无法通过理性知识回答自己所提出的问题;理性知识所给出的答案无非就是指出:要回答这个问题,就只能以另一种方式重复问题、只能通过引入有限和无限的关系问题。我意识到,无论信仰给出的答案看上去是多么缺乏理性的谬论,它们的优势就在于,每一个答案都回答了有限和无限的关系问题,否则就根本不可能有答案。无论我以何种方式提出这个问题,“我应该如何活着?”答案永远都是:“根据上帝的旨意活着。”或者这个问题,“我的生命中有没有什么东西是真实的?”答案就会是“永恒的折磨或永恒的福祉。”再或者这个问题,“有没有一种意义是无法被死亡所摧毁的?”答案是“融入无限、上帝和天堂。”

9.因此除了理性知识(到此为止我一直认为那是唯一的知识)之外,我必然最终意识到,的确存在着另外一种知识——非理性的知识——为全人类所拥有。那就是信仰,人类之所以活着,就是因为他们有信仰。此前在我看来,信仰一直是非理性的,但是我终于意识到,只有信仰,才能为人们提出的生命问题找到答案、让人们继续自己的生命。

10.理性知识最终让我意识到生命是没有意义的。我的生命骤然停止,我想自杀。当我看向四周,看向整个人类,我发现他们活着,且肯定地认为自己了解生命的意义。我又低头看了看我自己,只有当我知道了生命的意义,我才能够继续活着。在我看来,和其他人一样,信仰让我们的生命拥有了意义;有了信仰,我们才有可能继续生活。

11.我进而看向其他国家的人们,看向我同时代的人和先辈们,并有了同样的发现。有生命的地方就必然有信仰。自开天辟地以来,正是信仰赋予了人类生存的可能。所有信仰最基本的方面永远都是一样的,无论在哪个国家。

12.无论信仰给出的答案如何,无论是哪一种信仰,或者信仰所要回答的问题是谁提出的,这些问题永远为人类有限的存在提供了一种无限的意义;那种意义无法被苦难、匮乏或死亡所摧毁。这表明,只有在信仰中,我们才能找到意义,才能继续生活。我意识到,信仰最根本的意义不仅仅在于“表现从没有人看见过的东西”等等,也不仅仅在于神圣的启示(这只是在描述信仰存在的一种迹象);它也不仅仅表述了人与上帝的关系(我们必须先定义信仰,之后才能定义上帝,而不能通过信仰定义上帝);也不仅仅是人全盘接受自己听到的东西,尽管一直以来,人们普遍觉得信仰就是如此。信仰是一种有关人类生命意义的知识,信仰的结果就是,人不会自杀,而只能活着。信仰是生命的力量。如果一个人活着,他就必须有所信,如果他不相信有什么让他必须活着,他就不会继续活着了。如果他看不到、也不能够理解有限的虚幻,他就会信仰有限,如果他理解了有限的虚幻,他就一定会信仰无限。没有信仰,人类就不可能生存。

13.我回忆起自己之前在内心深处思考的整个过程,不禁吓出一身冷汗。如今我清楚地意识到,人们要想生存,要么根本意识不到无限的存在,要么能够以某种方式对生命的意义作出解释,使有限等同于无限。我虽作出了这样的解释,但在我相信有限时,这个解释对我毫无用处;于是我开始通过理性来验证它。根据理性,我之前的解释全都烟消云散。后来我不再信仰有限,便开始在理性的基础上,通过我的所知去构建一个可能赋予生命意义的解释,但我最终一无所获。结合最伟大的人类智慧,我得出了0等于0的结论,这样的结论让我无比震惊,且当时的我觉得,根本不可能有其他结论。

14.在实验科学中寻找答案意味着什么呢?我希望了解自己为什么活着,于是去研究存在于我本身之外的一切。我显然能够获得许多发现,却没有一个是我需要的。

15.在哲学领域寻找答案又意味着什么呢?我研究了那些自己也陷入过同样困境的人们的思想,他们对于“我们为什么活着”这个问题没有给出任何答案。显然,我在这里得到的发现无非就是我已经知道,“我们不可能了解世界”。

16.我是什么?是无限的一部分。全部问题就在于这短短的几个字。人们难道最近才看出这个问题吗?有没有可能,在我之前根本没有人提出过这个问题,尽管它如此简单,乃至一个无知的懵懂少年也会在不经意间顺嘴说出?

17.当然不是,事实上自从人类在地球上生存的那一天起,这个问题就已经被提出了。从一开始,通过将有限等同于有限来解决这个问题显然不会令人满意,将无限等同于无限也是一样。自古以来,人类就一直力图表达有限与无限之间的关系。

18.所有我们用来比较有限和无限,藉此理解生命的概念,或者上帝、自由和良善等概念,人们都力图用逻辑进行验证,但它们根本经不起理性的批判。

19.多么可怕,或者多么可笑,我们这样骄傲和自负,像淘气的孩子,拆开手表,去除发条,把手表变成玩具,然后看到手表不走了,竟然还现出一脸的惊奇。

20.我们必须解决有限和无限之间的矛盾,这是非常重要的,这才是生命问题的答案,找到了这个答案,我们才有可能活着。无论在哪里,所有的人给出的解决方案,无非是那个亘古流传的答案,那是一个非常难以理解的答案,我们自己根本不可能得出类似的答案。于是人们随意推翻这个答案,之后又再次提出那个人人必须面对的问题,而对这个问题,我们又没有自己的答案。

21.万能的上帝、灵魂的圣洁、上帝与俗务的关系、道德上的善恶,所有这些概念都是在历史中,通过我们看不见的人类生活得出的概念。没有这些概念,就根本不可能有生命,也不可能有我自己的存在,然而我竟然轻易否定了人类所有的努力,妄图单枪匹马,以我自己的方式将一切推倒重来。

22.当时我并没有想到这些,但是这些思想已经在我的头脑中生根发芽了。我意识到:(1)尽管叔本华、所罗门和我都是智者,却都犯下了愚蠢的错误:我们认为生命是邪恶的,却仍然继续活着。这显然是愚蠢的,因为如果生命毫无意义,我又这般喜爱理性,那么我必然要摧毁生命,这样就没有谁能够否认我的结论了。(2)我们所有的论证构成了一个恶性循环,就像一个没有附着在马车上的轮子。无论我们没日没夜地进行了多么严谨的思考,都找不到问题的答案,因为0永远等于0,因此,一定是我们使用的方法错了。(3)我开始意识到,人类最深邃的智慧存在于信仰给出的答案中,我自己没有权利基于理性否定那些答案,毕竟,那些才是唯一解答了生命问题的答案。

第十章

1.我虽看到了这一点,但问题并没有因此而变得简单。

2.现在我开始准备接受信仰,只要它不要求我直接否定理性。如今看来,这未免虚伪。因此我开始研读关于佛教和伊斯兰教的书籍,当然我接触最多的还是基督教,通过基督教的著述和我周围的人们,我对它有了更深的研究。

3.我最先接触的,自然是我自己生活圈子里的信徒、有学问的人、东正教神学家、德高望重的僧侣、最新式东正教的神学家、甚至通过关于救赎的信仰来教授神学的所谓新基督教徒。我抓住这些信徒,询问他们如何信仰,又如何理解生命的意义。

4.无论我怎样宽容地接受他们的说法,避免一切争论,我仍然无法接受这些人的信仰。我发现他们所谓的信仰根本不能够对生命的意义做出任何解释,而只能使之变得模糊,他们本人根本就不是为了解答生命的问题(那个使我转向信仰的生命问题)才拥有信仰,而是出于我不知道的其他原因。

5.我记得自己当时整日受到恐惧的煎熬,害怕在这么多次满怀希望地与这类人结交之后,再次回到之前的绝望境地。他们越是精确地向我表述自己的教义,我就越清楚地看到他们的错误,直到最后我彻底绝望了,意识到自己根本不可能在他们的信仰中找到任何关于生命意义的解释。

6.我之所以放弃希望,并不完全是因为他们在表述自己的宗教信仰时,将我一直视为至宝的基督教真理与那些不必要、非理性的东西混淆在一起,而是因为,这些人的生活和我自己一模一样,唯一的区别就是他们根本不按照其教义所表述的那些原则生活。我强烈地感觉到,他们只是在自欺欺人,和我一样,他们对生活没有什么想法,只是为活着而活着、及时行乐而已。我能够看到这一点,是因为如果他们真正了解生命的意义,能够驱散对贫困、苦难和死亡的恐惧的话,就不会害怕这些了。然而我们这个阶层的信徒们像我一样过着富足的生活,并始终力图保有和增加自己的财富和地位,对贫困、苦难和死亡充满了恐惧。和我自己以及所有非信徒一样,他们活着只是为了满足自己的欲望,这样的生活不但不比非信徒优越多少,可能还不如非信徒。

7.无论这些人怎样争辩,我都不相信他们是真正的信徒。只有当他们用行动向我证明,他们理解生命,因而不再像我一样惧怕贫困、疾病和死亡,我才可能相信他们。但我在自己生活圈子里的信徒身上看不到这些;就这样,我从没有在所谓的信徒身上看到这些,反而常常在那个圈子里的非信徒身上看到这样的做派。

8.我意识到,这些人所拥有的信仰根本不是我追求的信仰,他们的信仰并非真正的信仰,而只是享乐主义者在生活中找到的安慰而已。我知道,这种信仰即使不能成为某种安慰,或许也能够让悔过的所罗门在临死前不再为生前的所为懊恼不已,然而它完全不适合大多数人,大多数人根本没有机会将自己的快乐建立在他人的辛勤劳作之上,而不过是在谋生度日。为了生活并将生命一直继续下去,为生命注入意义,数百万人必须拥有某种全然不同的、更加真实和纯粹的信仰观。的确,让我坚信这世上一定有信仰存在的,并不是我本人抑或所罗门抑或叔本华没有自杀,而是这数百万人一直活着、且依旧活在世上,生活和挣扎在所罗门和我这类人的底层。

9.我开始接近那些穷苦、朴素、没有受过教育的信仰者:虔诚香客、僧侣、教派人士和农民。这些人和我所在的生活圈子中那些伪信徒一样,都信仰基督教。他们也在基督教真理中掺杂了大量迷信,然而不同的是,对于我的生活圈子中的信徒而言,迷信是完全不必要的。与他们的生活没有任何关系,而只是为他们提供了某种享乐主义的消遣,而对于劳动阶层的信仰者而言,迷信是他们生活中必不可少的一部分。他们无法想象没有迷信的生活,那是他们生活的必要条件。在我自己的生活圈子中,信徒们的整个生活方式与他们的信仰截然对立,而劳动阶层的信仰者们用其全部的生活方式验证了信仰赋予其生活的意义。我开始更仔细地观察这些人的生活和信仰,观察越深入,就越坚信他们的信仰才是真正的信仰,信仰是他们生命中不可或缺的元素,信仰本身就为他们的生命注入了意义,让他们的生命得以延续下去。我在自己的阶层看到的人们完全可以没有信仰地生活,在这里,一千个人中也没有一个能够坦然承认自己是真正的信徒,那些人则相反,一千个人中也很难有一个没有信仰。我在自己的生活圈子中看到的人们一生都在享乐中虚度却仍对生活充满抱怨,而那些人一生辛勤劳作,却并不像富人对生活有种种不满。我们这个阶层的人们,一旦有求而不能得便反抗和诅咒,愤恨命运的不公,那些人却能够毫无怨言地接受一切贫病和苦难,那么安然地坚信一切都是注定的,不可改变,且必然能够带来福祉。我们这些自诩为聪明智慧的人并不十分了解生命的意义,一旦面临苦难和死亡,便说那是造物主的一个恶作剧的玩笑,那些人则截然相反,他们宁静地生活、无言地受苦,在走向死亡时安静平和、且往往心中充满喜悦。在我们生活的圈子中,一般不会有人平静地走向死亡,人们总是对死之充满了恐惧和绝望,那些人则截然相反,他们中很少有人因为人之将死而备受煎熬,奋力反抗并郁郁而终。这世上有数百万这样的人,他们一无所有——在所罗门和我这样的人看来那些所有是生命唯一的福祉和意义——却仍然生活得无比快乐。我将观察的目光投向更远处,看到无数生灵活过往昔,仍然在继续生活。理解生命意义的人数并非两三个抑或十来个,而是几百个、几千个、几百万个。所有的人,尽管他们的习惯、思想、教育和社会地位截然不同,却全然不似我这般无知,他们了解生命和死亡的意义,忍受着苦难和煎熬;从生到死,他们并不觉得一切都是虚空,反而认定那是一条向善之路。

10.于是我逐渐爱上了那些人。我越深入地研究自己阅读或听说过的生者和死者的故事,就越热爱他们,也就越容易继续生活下去。像这样生活了大约两年之后,我的思想发生了巨大变化,就仿佛我一直都在等待着这一变化,又好像这种变化的根基始终深植于我的生命中。这一变化就是,我自己生活的那个拥有财富和知识的阶层的生活不仅在我看来索然无味,而且丧失了全部的意义。我们所有的活动、我们的讨论、我们的科学和艺术在我眼中都变成了纯粹的放任纵容。我意识到,在这样的生活中找不到任何意义。而劳动阶层、那些创造了生命的人的活动,在我看来成了唯一真实而有意义的生活方式。我意识到,这样的生活所呈现的意义才是真理,我欣然接受这样的真理。

第十一章

1.同样是信仰,但我至今仍然记得,当我看到拥有信仰的人们的所作所为却与之背道而驰时,这些信仰让我感到多么厌恶,似乎没有任何意义。而一旦看到那些真正遵照信仰生活的人们,它又对我充满了吸引力,显得明智通达。我终于明白自己为什么一度抛弃了信仰,觉得它毫无意义,现在又为什么全身心地接受了它,觉得它充满了意义。我终于明白,自己曾一度迷失,并且知道自己为什么会迷失。我之所以迷路,不是因为我的思想错误,而是我生活的方式是愚蠢的。我意识到,自己之所以过去看不到这一真理,与其说是被错误的思想蒙住了双眼,不如说是我的生活本身阻隔了通往真理的道路,我过去一直在竭尽全力地满足自己的各种欲望,那是纯粹享乐主义的生活。我意识到自己关于生命是什么的问题,乃至关于生命充满邪恶的答案,都十分正确。唯一的错误是,那本是一个只和我自己有关的答案,我却妄图用它来解释整个人类的生命。我对自己提出的问题是:我的生命是什么;答案是,它是邪恶而毫无意义的,这完全正确,因为我沉迷于享乐的追求,的确邪恶而毫无意义,但是这样的答案只适合我自己,不适合全人类。我发现了一条真理,且随后就在《福音书》上找到了这条真理:当人在从事邪恶的行为时,他们往往更喜欢黑暗而不是光明;因为从事恶行的人憎恶光并竭力避免光,生怕自己的行为彰显于光天化日之下。我意识到,为了解生命的本质,生命首先不应该是邪恶而毫无意义的,只有这样,人们才能真正运用理性来阐述这个问题。我终于明白了自己为什么长期在这样一个显而易见的真理附近徘徊却看不到它,我终于明白,要想思考和阐述人类的生命,我们必须思考和阐述整个人类的生命,而不是少数几个寄生虫的生命。真理始终是真理,就像2×2=4一样简单直白,但我们不肯承认这样简单的真理,因为一旦承认了2×2=4,我就不得不承认自己是一个恶人。对我来说,认为自己是一个好人要比承认2×2=4更为重要也更加必要。我开始热爱良善的人们并憎恶自己,我开始承认真理,一切便昭然若揭。

2.想象一下,一个刽子手一生都在对他人行刑,砍掉人们的头颅,或者一个无望的酒鬼或疯子穷其一生都生活在一间黑暗的屋子里,他虽憎恶这间黑屋,却又害怕一旦离开了黑屋,便会面临死亡——想象一下,如果这样的人问自己:“生命是什么?”他们能够得到的唯一答案显然就是:“生命是万恶中的大恶”。疯子的回答或许绝对正确,但那只是关于他自己生命的答案。假如我是这样一个疯子呢?假如所有拥有财富和学识的人全都是这样的疯子呢?

3.我意识到我们的确是这样一群疯子,起码我自己是个疯子。的确,造物主创造鸟儿便让它们飞上蓝天,收集食物并在树上筑巢,每当我看到鸟儿做这些事的时候,总是感到快乐和欣喜。山羊、野兔和狼来到世上就是为了寻找食物、繁衍后代、喂养幼兽,每看到它们如此行事,我总是确信它们非常快乐,它们的生命充满意义。那么人应该做什么呢?他也必须像动物们一样为生存而努力劳作,不同的是,为了生存他无法单枪匹马地劳作,他的劳作不仅仅为了他自己的生存,也要为了整个人类的生存。如果人能如此行事,我确信他的生命是快乐而有意义的。而我在过去三十年有意识的生命中又做了些什么?我非但没有为整个人类的生存而劳作,甚至没有为我自己的生存而劳作。我像寄生虫那样活着,难怪当我问自己为什么活着时会得到这样的回答:“不为什么”。如果人类生存的意义在于用劳作来维系生命,那么我过去三十年的生活不但没有努力维系生命,反而是在毁灭自己和他人的生命。如此一来,我得到的答案当然只能是:“生命是邪恶而毫无意义的。”它的确是邪恶而毫无意义的。

4.整个世界的生命依靠的是某人的意志;我们自己、乃至万事万物的生命依靠的却是另一些人的双手。为了能够了解那种意志,我们首先必须行本分之事,满足那种意志。如果我拒绝行本分之事,就永远不可能了解我们注定的本分之事是什么,更不可能了解造物主对于整个人类、乃至整个世界的安排。

5.如果一个衣衫褴褛、饥饿潦倒的乞丐被主人从十字街头带到辉煌宫殿的一隅,主人给了他食物和水,之后让他去上下移动一处手柄,显然,在弄清楚自己为什么被带至这里移动手柄之前,在弄清楚这处宫殿的结构是否合理之前,乞丐必须先顺从主人的意志,移动手柄。移动手柄之后,他会看到那是一个水泵装置,水泵从井里抽出水,水流入花园。之后他又被带离宫殿的这一隅,得到了另一份工作,他在那里采摘水果,并顺从主人的意志行事。随着他的任务越来越高级,他会越来越了解整座宫殿的结构并参与其中,他永远不会停止询问自己在哪里,也永远不会责怪那个把他带到宫殿来的主人。

6.同样,那些头脑简单、行为朴素、没有受过教育的劳动阶级——我们总是称之为一群乌合之众——就顺从着主人的意志,从不责怪主人把他们带到这个世界上。而我们这些所谓的智者,吃了主人的食物却不按主人的吩咐做事;反而聚在一堆儿争论:“聪明如我们,怎么能做移动手柄这样愚蠢的活儿呢?”于是我们苦思冥想,认定要么是主人愚蠢,要么根本没有什么主人,我们是世上唯一的智者。只是后来,我们会觉得自己一无所长,必须以某种方式逃避自己,才能从这种苦恼中解脱出来。

第十二章

1.意识到理性知识的错误之后,不再禁不住诱惑去进行徒劳的理论阐释对我而言就容易多了。因为坚信有关真理的知识只能从生命中获得,我开始怀疑自己以往生活方式的价值。让我获救的,是我终于将自己从独处的生活中解脱出来,看到朴素的劳动阶层真实的生活,并意识到只有这种生活才是真实的生活。我意识到如果我希望了解生命及其意义,就必须过上真实的生活,而不是做一个寄生虫;既然我已经接受了真正的人类所赋予生命的意义——他们正是真实生活的一部分——我就必须阐述它、验证它。

2.那时我的经历是这样的:在一整年的时间里,几乎每一分钟我都在问自己,是不是应该用一根绳子或一颗子弹结束自己的生命。就在我思考着上述想法和观察结果时,我的心灵却在经受着巨大的折磨。至于这种折磨是什么,我只能称之为“对上帝的求索”。

3.我觉得这种对上帝的求索并不是一种拷问,而是一种情感上的诉求,因为它并非来源于我的头脑——事实上它与思考的过程恰恰相反——而是来自于我的心灵。那是一种被遗弃的恐惧和孤独之感,所有那一切对我而言都非常陌生,另一方面我又隐隐感受到希望——有人能够给我以帮助的希望。

4.尽管我坚信无法证实上帝的存在(康德已经向我证明了这一点,我完全理解那是无法证明的),我仍然在寻找上帝,希望能够找到他。我重拾起原有的祈祷习惯,开始对着那个我一直在找寻却无法看到的上帝祈祷。我在自己的头脑中重温了康德和叔本华关于无法证明上帝存在的争论,并开始驳斥那些争论。我对自己说,原因是与时空并不在同一个思考范畴。如果我存在,那就一定有一个存在的理由,这个理由的存在也有一个理由。万事万物存在的理由就是我们所谓的上帝。我执着于这一想法,全身心地承认这一理由的存在。一旦我承认了在自己之上还有一个强大的力量存在,我立刻感受到了生命的可能性。然而我问自己:“这个理由,这个力量究竟是什么?应该如何看待它?我为何应该将这种力量与上帝联系起来?”而浮现在我脑海中的只有那些熟悉的答案:“他乃造物主,无所不在。”这些答案无法让我满意,我觉得自己内心仍然缺乏生存所必须的力量。我陷入绝望,开始对着那个我苦苦追寻的人祈祷,希望他能够帮助我。我越是祈祷,就越清楚他根本听不到我的祈祷,事实上我根本无处求助。我满心悲伤地发现,在我的上方根本没有那个力量,没有上帝,我哭喊道“主啊,发发慈悲吧。救救我!哦,主啊,请在冥冥中给我以指引吧!”然而没有人发慈悲帮助我,我觉得生命就此走向了尽头。

5.然而我总是一再地从不同的角度得出同样的结论,那就是我来到这个世界上一定有着某种理由、某种原因或某种意义;我不可能像自己感觉的那样,是一只从鸟巢掉落到地上的羽翼未丰的鸟儿。如果我真的像幼鸟那样哭着落在了草丛中,那是因为我知道妈妈把我带到这个世界上,给我温暖、喂我食物,全身心地爱着我。但是妈妈,她在哪里?如果我是一只被抛弃的幼鸟,又是谁将我抛弃?我无法无视这样的事实,那就是给我生命的人一定是爱我的。此人是谁?同样,又是上帝。

6.“上帝知道,也看到了我的追寻、挣扎和悲苦。他的的确确是存在的,”我对自己说。每一次,在我承认这一点的那一瞬间,内心就会燃起生命之光,立刻感受到活着的可能和乐趣。不过同样,一旦承认了上帝的存在,我就开始继续探求我与他的关系;同样,我所追寻的那个上帝,这个世界的造物主,总是三位一体的,他将自己的儿子派到人间,那是我们的救世主。同样,这位将我和世界区分开来的上帝将在我的眼前冰融消逝,让我再次感到眼前虚空一片,体内燃起的那一点生命之光也瞬间熄灭了。我陷入绝望,感到除了自杀之外已经别无出路。最糟的是,我觉得自己连自杀的勇气也没有了。

7.无数次,我的情绪在一瞬间从欢乐和热情转为绝望,就在那一瞬间,我感到自己根本无法继续生存下去。

8.我还记得在一个早春,我独自一人来到森林。我在那里倾听着,集中精力思考着自己过去三年一直有意识地思考的问题。我还在寻找上帝。

9.“那么好吧,”我自言自语道,“那就是说,世界上根本没有上帝,上帝只是我想象出来的,唯一真实的是我自己的生命。没有上帝,也不可能出现奇迹证明上帝的存在,因为那只是我的想象,既然是想象,就不是理性的。”

10.“那么我苦苦求索的有关上帝的想法呢?”我问自己。“这个想法到底源于何处?”同样,每当我这样想问题的时候,体内就升腾起一种欢乐的情绪,周围的一切有了生机,充满意义。然而快乐无法持续很久。我的思绪会继续。“关于上帝的想法并非上帝本身,”我对自己说,“关于上帝的想法只是我随心所欲杜撰的。我求索的不是这个,我求索的是那个将生命带到世间的上帝。”我自己体内和周围万物的生机和生命力再度熄灭,我又想自杀了。

11.但是我随即停住,仔细审视了自己,以及体内的情绪。我记得有几百次,生命之光从我的体内熄灭之后又再度燃起,我只有在坚信上帝的时候才是活着的,那时,和现在一样,我对自己说:我只有相信上帝才能继续活着。只要不再相信他,或者忘记他,我就会立刻死去。这些死亡而后重生的过程究竟是什么呢?显然,一旦我不再相信上帝的存在,就无法继续生活,如果没有心底里隐约出现的能够找到上帝的希望,我在很久以前就已经自杀了。我只有清楚地意识到上帝并寻找他的时候才能存活。“那么你寻找的究竟是什么呢?”一个声音在我的体内高喊道。“那就是上帝!没有他,人类就不可能继续存活。了解上帝和存活是同一回事,上帝就是生命。”

12.“活着就是为了寻找上帝,如果没有上帝,世上就没有生命!”刹那间,我发现自己的体内和周围的万事万物燃起了比以往任何时候都更加强烈的生命之光,从那以后,这一束光辉就再也没有熄灭。

13.就这样,我没有自杀,我得救了。我无法确切地说出这样的变化是什么时候发生、如何发生的。就在我体内的生命力不为人知地逐渐熄灭时,就在我开始感受到生命的不可能性、感受到生命已经在我的体内静止的时候。我需要自杀时,这种生命力同样不为人知地在我的体内逐渐悄然升起。奇怪的是,重新回到我体内的生命力并非什么新鲜事物,而恰是我年轻时吸引过我的东西。我重新捡拾起自己童年和青年时代视之为生命一部分的东西。我重新相信那种给予我生命、并要求我顺从的意志的存在。我重新认为,生命中最最重要的目标乃是完善自我,也就是顺从这种意志生活。我重新坚信,我可以通过一直潜伏于自己体内的某种事物证明这种意志的存在,那是人类在很久以前就已经找到,用于指引前路的东西。换句话说,我开始重新相信上帝,相信道德完善、相信那种赋予生命意义的传统。唯一的区别是,过去我是无意识地接受这一切,而如今我知道,没有这样的信仰,我便无法生活下去。

14.我当时的情况基本上可以这样描述:我在自己未知的情况下,登上了一条已经启航的小船,正驶向未知的彼岸。有人给我指出彼岸的方向,将船桨塞入我这个毫无经验的舵手手中,接着就抛下我,留下我独自一人。我尽自己最大的努力划桨前行,然而我越是朝着激流的中心划去,湍急的河流就越把我推向离目标更远的地方。我开始遇到越来越多和我一样的划手,他们也正在被湍流带离目标。有些孤独的划手继续驾舟航行;有些人则早已扔掉了双桨;河里有大一些的船只和满载乘客的大轮船,有些人仍在与激流抗争,其他人早已随波逐流。我看着那些顺水而下的漂浮的小船,发现自己越是奋力划桨,就越是忘记了自己曾一度知晓的方向。就在激流的中央,在许多顺流而下的小船和巨轮中间,我迷失了方向,也丢掉了手中的双桨。四面八方的人们都被船帆或船桨带着顺流而下,他们欢乐地高喊着,安慰着我和他们自己:“本来就只有这一个方向!”我相信了他们,与他们一起顺流直下。我随波逐流了很长时间,几乎已经能够听到那注定要将我毁灭的湍滩,看到了已经被它们撞成碎片的小船。就在那时我忽然醒悟过来。很长一段时间,我不知道自己怎么了。除了正在朝之疾驶而去的毁灭之外,我看不到前路上还有其他希望,但是我害怕毁灭,举目四望,竟也看不到任何救赎,茫然不知所措。但是回头望去,我看到无数船只虽无法停下却坚持不懈地与激流抗争,我忽然忆起自己的船桨和彼岸的方向,也开始挣扎着逆流而上,向彼岸划去。

15.彼岸就是上帝,方向就是传说,船桨就是让我向着彼岸划去与上帝团聚的自由。就这样,我心底里重新拥有了生命的力量,我又开始了新的生活。

第十三章

1.我唾弃自己所在阶层的生活,因为我已经意识到,那根本不是生活而只是像生活而已,我们赖以生活的奢华使我们根本无法了解生活。我知道,要想真正理解生活,必须了解的不是我们这些少数寄生虫的生活,而是朴素的劳动阶层的生活,以及他们赋予生活的意义。我周围的普通劳动阶层就是俄国人民,我将目光转向他们,开始观察他们赋予生活的意义。我试着这样描述这种意义:每个人通过上帝的意志来到这个世界上;上帝创造了人,每个人自行选择毁灭或拯救自己的灵魂。人生的目的就在于拯救自己的灵魂;为了拯救自己的灵魂,人必须按照上帝的旨意生活。

2.为了按照上帝的旨意生活,人必须放弃生命中所有的享受,劳作、谦卑、经受苦难而心怀仁慈。这就是人们从所有宗教教义中获得的意义,它由一代代牧师继承下来并教给他们,那些传统已经构成了他们生命的一部分,他们用故事、谚语和传说来表达这样的意义。现在,我清楚地看到了它,并全身心地接受这样的意义。然而,除了根植于劳动人民信仰中的这种意义之外,还有许多与我生活于其中的非教派人士密不可分的东西,令我感到厌恶和不可理解:圣礼圣餐、教会仪式、斋戒、以及在各种遗迹和肖像前面鞠躬等等。人们无法将一件事和另一件事彻底区分开来,我也一样不能。无论我觉得人们的信仰中有多少奇怪的东西,仍然选择了全盘接受,参加各种仪式,每天早晚祈祷、斋戒、领圣餐;生平第一次,我的理性没有提出任何异议。之前让我觉得全无可能的事情如今却没有什么可反驳的——我如今对信仰的态度与以往完全不同了。从前,生命似乎充满了意义,信仰似乎就是人们企图主观证实各种完全没有必要也没有理性的命题,这些命题与生命本身毫无关系。那时我问自己,这些命题究竟有什么意义?我坚信它们没有任何意义,就将它们抛在一边。现在则相反,我非常清楚地知道,生命没有、也不可能有任何意义。不仅信仰的教条在我看来不再是完全没有必要的东西,我也经由无可辩驳的经验而坚信,只有那些信条才能赋予生命意义。从前,我觉得那些东西就是与我毫无关系的天书,而现在,即使我知道自己仍然不能理解,却明白其中蕴含着意义,并告诫自己必须学着了解那些意义。

3.我做了下面的推论。我对自己说,与人及其理性思维能力一样,对信仰的认知也有一个神秘的来源。那个来源就是上帝,是人类头脑和身体的源头。就像我的身体是上帝传给我的一样,我的理性和对生命的理解也得自于上帝;因此这种理解发展的各个阶段都是真实存在的。人们真诚信仰的东西必然是真实的,它可能有各种不同的表达方式,但绝不可能是谎言。因此如果我认为它是个谎言,那只能表明我未能理解它的深意。我还对自己说:任何信仰的关键就在于,它能够让生命拥有意义,这种意义不会随着死亡而消失。无论是在奢靡生活中濒死的沙皇,还是终日劳作、贫病交加的老农奴,抑或是顽童智叟、无知老妪、欢喜快活的少妇或充满激情的少年,信仰必然会为他们解答有关生命的问题。因此,如果要回答生活境遇截然不同、所受教育大相径庭的人们提出的问题,如果关于那个永恒的问题——我为什么活着?我生命的目的是什么?——只有一种答案,这个答案,尽管基本上都是同一个答案,也必然会有许多不同的表达方式。这个答案越是精辟独到、真实深刻,它的表达方式就越显得生疏和古怪,全看每个人所受的教育和当时的境况如何。然而,这些争论或许能够证明许多在我看来非常奇怪的宗教仪式都有其合理性,却仍不足以让我做出自己所怀疑的行为,特别是在信仰这个业已成为我生命中唯一关注的问题上。我全身心地希望自己能够和那些忠诚顺从地行使仪式的人们融合在一起,然而我不能。我觉得那么做无异于对自己撒谎,嘲弄自己认为神圣的东西。不过就在这时,一些新的俄国神学成果帮助了我。

4.根据这些神学家的解释,信仰的基本教条是教会的不谬性。遵循这一教条,教会所教授知识和教义的真实性都不言自明。教会作为信徒的集合体,以爱的名义将所有信徒团结在一起,因此它拥有真理,成为我们信仰的基础。我对自己说,宗教真理无法通过单个人的努力获得,而只能是所有人以爱的名义团结在一起之后才能够得到启示的。为了获得真理,人们不能彼此分离;因为不能够分离,人们就必须爱,必须和那些与我们意见不一致的人和平相处。真理体现为爱,因此,如果你不遵从教会的仪式,就破坏了爱的原则。破坏了爱的原则,就不大可能再了解真理了。当时的我看不到这一论证过程的谬误,看不到以爱之名团结在一起虽然可以启示大爱、却无法启示神圣的真理,就像《尼西亚信经》 〔1〕 中用确切的语词表达的那些神圣的真理。我没有看到,爱永远不足以将真理明确表达为一种必然的团结状态。当时的我看不到这一谬误,也正是因此,我能够在理解有限的情况下接受和服从东正教的许多仪式。当时我正试图彻底放弃所有争论和辩驳,尽可能合理地解释教会的所有信条,尽管其中有些与我的想法相矛盾。

5.在顺从这些教会仪式的过程中,我压制了自己的理性,全盘接受一个全人类共有的传统。我将自己与祖先和我所钟爱的人、与父母和祖父母联系在一起。他们,以及他们的前人都曾信仰过、生活过,是他们将我带到这个世界上。我成为自己如此深爱的无数人中的一员。这些行为本身没有任何错误(“错误”是指沉迷于欲望),每天早上起来便向教堂走去,我觉得自己在做一件向善之事,只要那样我就能压制自己骄傲的头脑而牺牲肉体的舒适享受,和我的祖先和同辈人团结在一起,寻找到生命的意义。我怀着同样的目标领圣餐、每天祈祷、划十字、屈单膝、斋戒。无论这些献身宗教的行为多么微不足道,它们毕竟是以向善为目的。无论在家里还是在教堂,我领圣餐、斋戒、每天做几个小时的祈祷。在倾听教堂布道时,我每听到一个字都会停下来思考一下,试图赋予它意义。在圣餐仪式上,我听起来最有意义的话是:“在团结中热爱彼此吧。”但接下来我听到这样的话就不再思索了:“我们相信圣父、圣子和圣灵”,因为我无法理解这句话的含义。

注释

〔1〕 《尼西亚信经》:也译为《尼吉亚信经》,是传统基督教的三大信经之一。得名于公元325年第一次尼西亚宗教大会,会议确定了圣父、圣子、圣灵为三位一体的上帝,地位平等。

第十四章

1.当时的我迫切需要信仰才能继续生存下去,因此潜意识里不自觉地无视宗教信条中的矛盾和含混之处。但是总有一些仪式是无法为其赋予意义的。如果说我日益明白了启应祷文 〔1〕 中最重要的内容,甚至即便我勉强诠释出以下祷文:“记住我们万能的圣母和一切圣徒,把我们自己、彼此和全体的生命都奉献给基督,我们的主”;即便我诠释出为沙皇及其家人祈祷的那些不断重复的祷词(因为他们比其他人更容易受到诱惑,因而更需要祈祷),以及为敌人和对手所做的祷词(因为他们的邪恶行径),事实上这些和其他祷词——例如《智天使颂歌》、《威武的将军》以及圣餐礼的一整套仪式——中即使不是全部,也有近三分之二没有任何意义,或者让我觉得赋予其意义无异于说谎,因而将破坏我和上帝之间的关系,那样我就不可能继续信仰了。

2.庆祝主要的节日也让我有同感。守安息日,即用一星期中的一天与上帝交流,这我能够理解。但最重要的节日都是为了纪念耶稣复活,而对于复活的真实性,我既无法想象也无法理解。每周要庆祝的那一天正是以“复活”命名的 〔2〕 。每逢这个日子都要举行圣餐礼,对此我完全不理解。除了圣诞节之外,其他十二个重大节日都是纪念奇迹的——为了不至于否定它们,我尽量不去思考其内容:耶稣升天日、圣灵降临日、主现日、圣母节等等。在庆祝这些节日时,原本觉得无足轻重的东西硬是要赋予重要意义,每到此时我要么杜撰出一个解释让自己心安理得,要么干脆闭上眼睛,对引发我怀疑的东西视而不见。

3.在参加最常见、也被视为最重要的圣礼——洗礼和圣餐——时,这种感觉比任何时候都更加强烈。我在这些仪式上遭遇的不是不可理解的东西,而是完全可以理解的行为:在我看来这些行为充满诱惑,于是我陷入了两难境地——要么否定,要么撒谎。

4.我永远忘不了自己在多年以后第一次受领圣餐时的痛苦感受。仪式、牧师、祈祷词的念法,这些我统统都能理解,并让我不无欢喜地意识到,我正在逐渐接近生命的意义。我认为圣餐本身就是纪念耶稣基督的行为,它象征着净化原罪并全盘接受耶稣基督的教义。如果说这种解释难免牵强,起码我当时并没有注意到这一点。当我在一个简朴而谨慎的司祭面前俯首听命之时,我觉得自己抖掉了灵魂上的尘土,忏悔了所有的罪过,这让我非常快乐,能够在思想上接近写出规范祷文的教父们的远大抱负,与那些曾经生活过、信仰过的先辈比肩并进,这些让我非常快乐,以至于我根本没有注意自己的解释有牵强附会之嫌。然而当我走近圣像屏的中门,神父请我重复自己的信仰,要我承认自己即将下咽的其实是肉体和血的时候,我的心脏开始痛苦得痉挛;那远远不是什么虚伪的调子,那是一个显然从不知何为信仰的人对我提出的残酷要求。

5.我如今可以允许自己承认那是一个残酷的要求了,但是当时我并不这样想;我只是觉得非常难过。我已经不再年轻,年轻时我觉得生命中的一切条理清晰、易于理解。之所以皈依信仰,就是因为我只能在生命中看到毁灭,除此之外一无所获。因此那时的我不可能放弃信仰,于是我屈服了。我发现自己的灵魂深处有一种感觉能够帮助我忍受那样的残酷,就是自我贬低和谦卑。我俯首听命,吞下了肉体和血而没有觉得那是一种亵渎,因为我是那般渴望信仰;但是我的心灵仍然遭受了打击。既然已经事先知道了结果,我自然无法再次前往受苦了。

6.然而我继续遵行着教会的仪式,且依然相信自己遵行的信条中蕴涵着真理。之后在我身上发生了一件当时看来十分古怪,如今却一目了然的事情。

7.就在我倾听一个没有文化的农民香客讲述上帝、宗教、生命和救赎时,我突然知晓了信仰的意义。我于是开始接近那些普通人,倾听他们关于生命和宗教的争论,也越来越接近真理。在我阅读《东正教圣徒传略汇编》 〔3〕 和《训诫集》 〔4〕 的时候也是一样,这些后来成为我最喜欢的读物。不去管那些神迹(姑且认为他们只是表达思想的故事而已),这些读物向我揭示了生命的意义。书中有大马卡里传、约瑟夫王子传(即佛的一生)、也有金口约翰 〔5〕 的故事、井中旅人的故事、拾金修士的故事、税吏彼得的故事,还有殉教的圣徒传,所有这些人一致声称,死亡并不排斥生命;还有一些关于不识字而愚昧无知的人们得救的故事,尽管他们根本不知道教会的教义。

8.然而只要和那些有学问的信徒在一起,或阅读他们的著述,我就会在心底里对他们的论证产生怀疑和不满,并认定他们夸大其词。我觉得自己越是深入了解他们的论说,就越是远离真理而走向绝望。

注释

〔1〕 启应祷文:东正教礼拜仪式上的祷告,由教堂执事背诵的一系列祷文组成,期间交错着众人的固定回应。

〔2〕 在俄语中,“星期日”(BockpeceHbe)的含义就是“复活”。

〔3〕 《东正教圣徒传略汇编》共十二卷,于1860年在莫斯科出版。

〔4〕 古罗斯时代教会中流行的一本书,根据教会日历编排,其中包括圣徒传和训诫诗。

〔5〕 即约翰一世(347-407年),君士坦丁堡牧首,因演讲雄辩而被追谥为“金口”。金口约翰是重要的希腊教父,被许多教会封为圣人。他的遗骸曾于1204年被十字军掠至罗马,教皇若望·保禄二世于2004年归还了这批圣物。

第十五章

1.我时常嫉妒那些没上过学、大字识不得几个的农民。那些在我看来显然是废话的冗长教条,他们却觉得正确得无可挑剔。他们接受这些教条、信仰真理,我也信仰真理,但我这个可怜的家伙非常清楚,我们信仰的真理中盘根错节地掺杂着谬误,我无法接受这样的真理。

2.这样的生活大概持续了三年,起初我只是平静地一点一点地接受真理,凭借自己的嗅觉找到最明确的方向,因而这些细节并没有引起我太多注意。那时当我遇到什么无法理解的事物时,就会自言自语道:“我有罪,我是个傻瓜。”可随着我研习的真理越来越多,它们逐渐成为我生命的基石,这些令人头疼的障碍就变得愈发难以逾越,未曾理解和永远无法理解之间的界限也愈来愈分明,除非我撒谎,自欺欺人。

3.尽管深受这些疑虑和痛苦的折磨,我仍然信仰东正教。但有关生命的问题一次次浮现在眼前,必须给予解答。教会关于这些问题的教规有悖于我赖以生存的信仰基础,这最终迫使我彻底断绝了与东正教的联系。首先,也是最重要的一点,这些问题关系到东正教如何看待其他教派。譬如天主教和所谓的分裂教派。那时由于对宗教颇有兴趣,我接触到众多教派的信徒,譬如天主教徒、清教徒、旧礼仪派 〔1〕 教徒、莫洛肯派 〔2〕 教徒,等等。其中不乏品德高尚而虔诚信教的人,我希望自己能够成为他们中的一员。可现实又怎样呢?我听到的教义许诺信仰与博爱可以团结众人,可正是这一教义,却通过它最高级别的代言人告诉我,这都是些误入歧途的人,他们生命的动力是魔鬼的诱惑,我们才可能拥有唯一的真理。我也看到与东正教教义稍有不同便被斥为异端邪说,这和天主教把东正教徒斥为离经叛道者没有任何分别。我还看到无论东正教如何貌似宽容,他们对所有异教徒——参拜不同圣物、念诵不同祷词的教徒——无不充满敌意。世事注定如此,因为首先,向他人宣告“你的信仰是错误的,我的才正确”太过残忍;其次,对于热爱子女和兄长的人来说,倘若有人想说服他挚爱之人皈依一门错误的信仰,他难免会对此人充满敌意。一个人拥有的神学知识越多,这份敌意就越深。那么如果说真理就蕴含在以爱为纽带的众生团结之中,神学岂不是在阻止它本应该倡导的东西?这个发现令我震惊。

4.在一国多教的国家,我们这些受过教育的人见识过天主教否定东正教和新教、东正教否定天主教和新教、新教否定天主教和东正教时的那种轻慢不屑、自以为是和不可理喻,显然更容易受到这种诱惑。而旧礼仪派、俄国福音派、震颤派 〔3〕 以及所有其他教派对异己教派也都采取极为类似的态度。以至于起初,这种诱惑明显得令我非常困惑。我告诉自己:“不对,事情绝对不是看上去这么简单。”显然是这样,人们毕竟看不到,假如两种信念互相抵触,那么两派都不可能拥有构成信仰的真理——真理是唯一的。一定还有什么东西我没有看到,是的,这些一定是可以解释的。我确信如此,便开始寻求这一解释,并为此饱读典籍、虚心讨教。但是我最终也未能找到什么合理的解释,无非是各执一词:苏姆斯基骠骑兵团 〔4〕 认为他们是世界上最强的兵团,而黄色枪骑兵团 〔5〕 觉得他们才是最棒的。不同教派的神父通过其最优秀的代言人所能告诉我的,就是他们坚信自己是拥有真理的一方,而其他人都悖离了真理,他们只能为这些人祈祷,仅此而已。我拜见了不少大修道院院长、主教、长老和苦行修士,却没有一个人试着向我阐明这个问题。只有一个人给我做了解释,但他的解释让我以后再也没有提过这个问题。

5.我先前说过,任何非信徒在皈依信仰时(我们的子女也包括在内)首先会问的问题是:为什么真理不在路德教或天主教那里,而只有在东正教的教义中才能找到?事实上新教和天主教也同样确信自己的信仰才是唯一的真理,这一点想必受过中等教育的人都会知道,不了解历史的农民自然无从知晓。历史史实不足为信——各教派均已出于各自利益篡改了历史。如此一来,如我之前提到的,像真正信仰的人那样,从一个更高的层面来理解宗教教义,使得各种教派之间的分歧大而化小、小而化无何尝不可?沿着旧礼仪派走过的道路继续追求我们的信仰又岂是天大的难事?他们强调说,他们在胸前画十字的顺序、赞美诗的内容、围绕圣坛的圣礼统统与我们不同。但我们的观点是:你们信仰尼西亚信经和七大圣事 〔6〕 ,我们也一样。让我们在这一点上保持一致,其余的部分保持各自的传统好了。如此我们便可以忽视无关紧要的分歧,通过信仰中最关键的方面团结在一起。我们完全可以告诉天主教徒:关键是你们也信仰这个,信仰那个,至于圣灵是自圣父发出还是同时自圣子发出、是否应该坚持罗马教皇的最高领导之类的问题,大家可以仁者见仁,智者见智。同理,我们又何尝不能与新教徒说同样的话,就更为重要的问题达成一致呢?我就此提议请教一个人,他也赞同我的观点,但同时告诉我说如果做出这样的让步,必定招致宗教权威们的批判。因为这样做偏离了先辈们的信仰,并将导致教派内部的分裂;而神职人员的使命就是坚守阵地,确保先辈们代代相传的希腊东正教信仰纯洁而不受侵犯。

6.这么一讲我全都明白了。我追求的是信仰,是一种驱使生命不断向前的力量,而他们追求的却是如何以世人眼中最好的方式完成人类必尽的某些义务。他们以世俗的方式来履行这些世俗的义务。无论他们如何夸夸其谈,炫耀自己对那些迷路的兄弟充满同情,炫耀自己为那些来到万能的主面前的人们虔诚祷告,在履行世俗的义务时总是不可避免地要使用武力,这一点不会随着时间的流逝而有任何改变。如果两种宗教都认为己方拥有真理而对方只是谎言,那么为了让兄弟们皈依真理,他们一定会宣讲己方的教义。如果坚信自己真理在握的教会有经验不足的教众受到蛊惑而相信了错误的教义,那么教会将别无选择,只能焚烧书籍,并将那个误导己派教众的害群之马流放他乡。在东正教会的眼中,如果一个教会成员经过谬误之火的毒害,在性命攸关的问题——信仰问题上误导教众,此人面临的该是怎样的惩罚?砍头、囚禁。除此之外呢?在沙皇阿列克谢·米哈伊洛维奇 〔7〕 统治时期,他们被绑在木桩上活活烧死,这也是当时最残酷的刑罚。时至今日,这类犯人将被单独囚禁,不得与他人接触,也堪称当代酷刑之首了。当我转而关注那些宗教名义下的所作所为时,不由得毛骨悚然,几近要摒弃东正教。更令我难以接受的,是东正教在战争与死刑问题上的立场。

7.那时,俄国正处于战火硝烟之中,俄国人正在以基督仁爱的名义屠杀自己的同胞。我们没有任何理由不思考这个问题,也没有办法回避这样的事实——杀戮是邪恶的,有悖于任何信仰的最基本原则。然而教堂里众人祈祷祝福我们的士兵在战场上得胜,宗教导师们则接受这种杀戮,认为它正是信仰的结果。这些不仅仅发生在战乱年代,在战后那些艰难岁月,我也曾亲眼目睹教会成员,包括牧师、僧侣和修士纵容屠杀手无寸铁的迷失青年的行为。当我注意到这些口口声声基督仁爱的教徒的所作所为时,我不禁不寒而栗。

注释

〔1〕 旧礼仪派:俄罗斯东正教会中的一个反国教派别,亦称“老信徒派”。成员多为下层贫民、群众和低级教士,他们反对政府的横征暴敛,宣扬平均主义和无政府主义。

〔2〕 莫洛肯派:俄语直译为“喝牛奶的教派”,成员多为拒绝加入东正教的农民。在长达两百天的斋戒中基本上只喝牛奶,由此而得名。

〔3〕 震颤派:1947年源于英国的基督教派,以舞蹈为敬礼上帝的方式之一,因此得名。

〔4〕 苏姆斯基骠骑兵团:Sumsky此为音译,是俄罗斯历史上著名的骠骑兵团。

〔5〕 黄色枪骑兵团:俄罗斯历史上著名的骑兵团,因骑兵身着黄色制服而得名。

〔6〕 七大圣事:是耶稣亲自建立的有形可见的宗教形式,目的是把天主的恩宠经由教会施予领受的人。东正教的七大圣事和天主教相同,分别为圣洗、坚振、告解、圣体、圣秩、病人傅油及婚配。

〔7〕 阿列克谢·米哈伊洛维奇:俄国沙皇,在位时间为1629至1676年,笃信宗教,为彼得大帝之父。

第十六章

1.从那时起,我就再也没有疑虑,深信自己信奉的教义并非全是真理。不过我年轻时总说,所有的宗教教义都是谎言,后来不那么讲了。作为整体的人类,无疑掌握着真理,否则他们也不会存活至今。况且,如今我接触到这一真理,它已经成为我生活的精神依靠,我也感受到了它的真实性。但我同样确信它本身也有谬误。此前一直令我厌恶的东西如此清晰地呈现在我面前。尽管我知道自己深感厌恶的这一堆谎言在农民那里并没有在教会代言人那里体现得更为明显,可我仍然能够看到,即使普通人的信仰也是真理与谬误并存。

2.然而这些谬误是从哪里来的,真理又究竟来自何方?谬误和真理都是由所谓的教会传承下来的。但谬误和真理也都存在于传统中,存在于所谓的神圣传统以及《圣经》的章节里。

3.无论我喜欢与否,我开始研究和考察《圣经》和这些传统——考察的过程至今回想起来仍犹如噩梦一般。

4.我当日转而研究的那门神学曾遭到自己的蔑视,我曾经觉得它的存在全无必要。最初它给我的印象不过是一堆毫无意义的废话,那时我身边充溢着生命的启示,我觉得生命的道路明晰且充满意义。如今我很高兴自己能够抛弃那些不利于身心健康的想法,但对具体的做法又深感迷茫。我曾获得启示的生命的一重意义恰在于这种宗教信条,或者至少可以说二者密不可分。无论在我那观念陈旧又意志薄弱的头脑看来,这种意义显得多么牵强,它毕竟是我获得救赎的唯一希望。为了理解这一意义,我必须细心严谨地对它进行考察,尽管其理解方法与科学命题截然不同。我知道宗教知识的性质极为特殊,因而我没有、不能、也不应该试图找到能解万物之谜的答案。我知道这样的答案,就好比解释万物起源,只能是永久的秘密。但我希望自己的理解方式能够带我走向那些永恒的不解之谜。我希望自己明白,所有的不解之谜之所以无解,不是因为我的智力希望寻求解释的需求是错误的(这些需求并没有错,否则我将对世界一无所知),而是因为我能够意识到自己的智力有局限性。我希望通过自己的理解方式认识到,所有的不解之谜呈现在我面前时便注定无解,而不是我有义务去相信它们的无解。

5.教义之中蕴含真理,对此我深信不疑,但我也同样确信这些教义之中夹杂着谬误,我必须弄清楚哪些是真理、哪些是谬误,将两者区分开来。于是我着手进行这样的研究。我在教义中发现的谬误和真理以及随后得出的结论都出现在本文后面的章节中,如果有人觉得它们有所启示,或许会在某年某地得以出版。

6.以上文字写于三年前。

7.前几天,我重读已经付梓印刷的这部分内容,不由得思绪翻滚,历历往事仿佛就在眼前,恍惚间如入梦境。这个梦境以浓缩的形式向我展示了自己所经历和描述过的一切,因此我觉得对我有所了解的人,描述一下这个梦境会带你们重温、更加清楚和连贯地看到我用这么长的篇幅不厌其烦地讲述的东西。那个梦境是这样的:我看到自己躺在一张床上,谈不上舒服也谈不上不舒服,就是仰面躺着。但我开始思考自己这样躺着到底舒服不舒服。时间一长,两条腿感觉似乎有点别扭;不知道是因为我的腿太短了还是它们压根儿不一般长。我调整了一下腿的位置,同时开始思考自己平躺的姿势以及身下垫着什么东西,这都是刚刚才开始思考的问题。看了看床,我发现自己躺在一些由绳索编织的吊带上,吊带两头系在床的两侧。我的脚就搁在其中的一根吊带上,小腿放在另一根上,因而双腿感到不舒服。不知怎么地,我知道这些吊带可以移动,就挪了挪腿,把较远处的那个吊带推到脚下,觉得这样会感觉舒服一些。但我把那个吊带踢得太远,就晃动双腿想把它挪近一些。这么一折腾,小腿下面的吊带滑掉了,小腿就悬空了。我挪了挪身体想换个位置,确信这下一定能解决问题,不料身体下面更多的吊带滑落了下去。情况更糟了:我的整个下半身都滑了下来,吊在半空中,两只脚又着不了地,全身的力量都靠上半个背部支撑着,这时我在感到不舒服的同时,开始害怕起来。也就在这时候,我开始思考那些之前未曾想到的问题:我这是在哪儿,躺在什么上面?我环顾四周,首先想看看自己身体下面垫着什么,我的身体悬在哪里,即将掉落到什么方向。我低头一看,简直不能相信自己的双眼:我所处的高度不只是什么高耸入云的塔顶或山巅,那是一个我根本无法想象的高度。

8.我甚至连身下的东西都看不清楚,底下是一眼望不到底的深渊,我就这么悬空挂着,摇摇欲坠。我的心跳到了嗓子眼,怕得要命。低头看下去简直糟糕透顶。我觉得要是再往下看,会立即从最后一根吊带上滑落下去,一命呜呼。我于是不再乱看,可这样更糟,因为我不停在想自己要是滑下去会如何粉身碎骨。越想越恐怖,身上也越来越无力,背部滑得越来越低,随时都会掉下去。就在那时我想这可能不是真的,只是个梦,马上就会醒过来。我试着让自己醒过来,却醒不过来。“我该怎么办?我该怎么办?”我不停地问自己,抬头向上望去,也是一眼望不到底。我看向深邃的天空,试着忘却身下的深渊,事实上我真的办到了,身下的无限令我厌恶和恐慌,头顶的无限却吸引着我,安抚我的情绪。就这样,我凭借身下最后一根没有滑落的吊带,身体悬在半空,下面是深不见底的深渊;我知道自己的身体摇摇欲坠,但是我只往上看,恐惧就消失了。就像在梦里发生的那样,有一个声音对我说:“注意,记住这一点!”我向头顶高不可测的天空深处极目远眺,心绪也逐渐镇定下来。我想起所有的一切是怎么发生的:我怎么动了动腿、怎么挂在这儿、当时感到多么的害怕、后来又怎么往上看而克服了这种恐惧。我反问自己:“我现在还悬挂在那儿么?”只要感觉到身体还牢牢地吊在吊带上,没晃也没掉下来,我就不再环顾四周。我觉得自己不再悬挂在那儿摇摇欲坠,而是被身下的吊带稳稳托住了。我反问自己怎么会被托住,摸索着,察看周围的情况,就看见身体下面,就在我身体的正中央有一根吊带,当我向上看的时候,躺在吊带上的姿势获得了最稳定的平衡,一直在支撑着我的只有这一根吊带。然后就像在梦里一样,支撑我的东西一下子变得非常自然、成了完全可以理解的必然事物,尽管醒来之后又好像根本说不通了。我甚至在睡梦中感到惊讶,之前怎么从来没有发现这些。原来在我的头旁边有根柱子,没有那么粗壮,但稳固性不容置疑,尽管柱子插在那里似乎并没有什么根基。一根绳子就那么松松垮垮地从柱子上垂下来,但巧妙之处在于:只要人能用身体的正中央平躺在绳子上往上看,就根本不会掉落下去。这我看得很清楚,我很高兴,也心安了。仿佛听见有人对我说:“务必要记住这些啊!”然后我就醒了。

Leo Tolstoy

A Confession



TRANSLATED BY JANE KENTISH













PENGUIN BOOKS — GREAT IDEAS

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

返回分册总目录

Chapter 1

1. I was baptized and brought up in the Orthodox Christian faith. I was instructed in it both as a child and throughout my boyhood and youth. But when at the age of eighteen I left university in my second year, I no longer believed in any of the things I had been taught.

2. Judging from various memories, I had never believed very seriously but had merely trusted in what I was taught and in what was professed by my elders; but this trust was very unstable.

3. I remember when I was eleven years old a high school boy named Volodya, now long since dead, came to see us one Sunday and announced the latest discovery made at school. The discovery was that there is no God and that everything we were being taught was pure invention (this was in 1838). I remember my older brothers taking a great interest in this news and even allowing me to join in the discussion. We all, I remember, became very excited and took the news as something very enthralling and entirely possible.

4. I remember too that when my older brother Dmitri, who was then at university, suddenly and with characteristic fervour embraced the faith and started to attend all the services, to observe the fasts and to lead a pure and moral life we all, including the older ones, constantly made fun of him and for some reason nicknamed him Noah. And I remember when Mushkin-Pushkin, at the time a curator at the University of Kazan, invited us to a ball and jokingly persuaded my brother, who had declined the invitation, that even David danced before the ark. At the time I used to enjoy these jokes of my elders, and from them I drew the conclusion that it is necessary to learn the Catechism and it is necessary to go to church, but that one need not take it all too seriously. I also recall reading Voltaire when I was very young; I not only failed to be shocked by his humour but even found it quite amusing.

5. The decline of my faith occurred in the way in which it has always happened, and still happens, among those from our kind of background. It seems to me that in the majority of instances it happens like this: people live as everyone lives, but on the basis of principles that not only have nothing in common with religious doctrines but are, on the whole, contrary to them; religious doctrine plays no part in life, or in relations between people, neither are we confronted with it in our personal lives. Religious doctrine is professed in some other realm, at a distance from life and independent of it. If we encounter it, it is only as an external phenomenon, disconnected from life.

6. Now, just as then, it is impossible to judge from a person's life, or behaviour, whether or not he is a believer. If there is a difference between those who openly profess Orthodoxy and those who deny it, then it is not to the advantage of the former. Nowadays, as before, the public declaration and confession of Orthodoxy is usually encountered among dull-witted, cruel and immoral people who tend to consider themselves very important. Whereas intelligence, honesty, straightforwardness, good-naturedness and morality are qualities usually found among people who claim to be non-believers. The Catechism is taught in schools and the pupils are sent to church; officials must be able to produce evidence of having received communion. But a person belonging to our circle, who is no longer at school and has not entered into public service, can still live for ten years or more without once remembering that he is living among Christians and is himself considered to be a practising member of the Orthodox Church. This was even more true in the past.

7. Thus today, just as in earlier times, religious teaching, which is accepted on trust and sustained by external pressure, gradually weakens under the influence of knowledge and experience of life that stands in opposition to the religious doctrines; a person can go on living for a long time imagining that the body of religious instruction imparted to him when he was a child is still there, whereas it has in fact disappeared without leaving a trace.

8. An intelligent and honest man by the name of S. told me the story of how he lost his faith. At the age of twenty-six, while resting overnight on a hunting expedition, he followed an old childhood custom of kneeling down to pray in the evening. His elder brother, who was with him on the expedition, lay on some straw watching him. When S. had finished and was preparing to lie down his brother said to him: 'Do you still do that?' Nothing more was said between them. But from that day on S. stopped saying his prayers and going to church. And for thirty years he has not prayed, has not received communion and has not gone to church. And this is not because he knew his brother's convictions and wanted to share them, nor was it because he had resolved something in his heart, but simply because this comment of his brother's was like a finger being pushed against a wall that was on the verge of collapsing from its own weight. These words indicated that the place where he had thought faith to be had long been empty and that the words he spoke, the signs of the cross and genuflections he made in prayer, were essentially meaningless actions. Having recognized their meaninglessness he could no longer continue doing them.

9. Thus it has happened and still happens, I believe, with the great majority of people. I am speaking about people from our type of background, of people who are sincere with themselves, and not of those who use the profession of faith as a means of obtaining some kind of worldly aims. (These people are the most fundamental non-believers, for if faith is seen by them as a means of achieving various worldly aims, then it is certainly no longer faith.) People of our upbringing find themselves in a situation where the light of knowledge and of life have melted away an artificial edifice, and they have either failed to notice this and swept it away completely, or have simply failed to notice it as yet.

10. The religious instruction communicated to me since childhood faded, as it does with others, only with the difference that since I had begun to read and think a great deal while still very young, my abdication of religious faith occurred very early. When I was sixteen I ceased saying my prayers, going to church or fasting of my own accord. I no longer believed in what I had been taught as a child; but I did believe in something, without being able to say what it was. I believed in God, or rather I did not deny God, but what kind of God I could not have said; neither did I reject Christ or his teachings, but what I understood by the teachings again I could not have said.

11. Now, looking back at that time, I can clearly see that the only real faith I had, apart from the animal instincts motivating my life, was a belief in perfection. But what this perfection consisted of, and what its aim was, were unclear to me. I tried to perfect myself intellectually and studied everything I came upon in life. I tried to perfect my will, setting myself rules I tried to follow. I perfected myself physically, practising all kinds of exercises in order to develop my strength and dexterity, and I cultivated endurance and patience by undergoing all kinds of hardship. All this I regarded as perfection. The beginning of it all was, of course, moral perfection, but this was soon replaced by a belief in general perfection, that is a desire to be better not in my own eyes or before God but in the eyes of other people. And very soon this determination to be better than others became a wish to be more powerful than others: more famous, more important, wealthier.

Chapter 2

1. Some day I will relate the story of my life, and of how touching and instructive were those ten years of my youth. I think a great many people must have experienced something similar. I longed with all my soul to be good, but I was young; I had passions and I was alone, completely alone in my search for goodness. Every time I tried to display my innermost desires - a wish to be morally good - I met with contempt and scorn, and as soon as I gave in to base desires I was praised and encouraged. Ambition, lust for power, self-interest, lechery, pride, anger, revenge, were all respected qualities. As I yielded to these passions I became like my elders and I felt that they were pleased with me. A dear old aunt of mine, the purest of creatures, with whom I lived, was always saying that she wished for nothing as much as that I would have a relationship with a married woman. 'Rien ne forme un jeune homme comme une liaison avec une femme comme il faut.' Another happiness she wished for me was that I should become an adjutant, and preferably to the Emperor. And the greatest happiness of all would be for me to marry a very rich girl and acquire as many serfs as possible through the marriage.

2. I cannot recall those years without horror, loathing, and heartache. I killed people in war, summoned others to duels in order to kill them, gambled at cards; I devoured the fruits of the peasants' labour and punished them; I fornicated and practised deceit. Lying, thieving, promiscuity of all kinds, drunkenness, violence, murder... there was not a crime I did not commit, and yet I was praised for it all and my contemporaries considered, and still consider me, a relatively moral man.

3. For ten years I lived in this fashion.

4. During this time I began to write out of vanity, self-interest and pride. In my writings I did the same as I did in life. In order to achieve the fame and money for which I wrote I had to conceal what was good in myself and display what was bad. And this is what I did. Time and again I would contrive in my writings to conceal under the guise of indifference, or even of light-heartedness, those strivings for goodness which lent meaning to my life. And I succeeded and was praised.

5. After the war, by which time I was twenty-six, I returned to St Petersburg and took up company with writers. They accepted me as one of them and flattered me. I had no time to stop and look around before I had assimilated the view of life held by the group of writers with whom I mixed, and before long all my earlier attempts at improvement had been erased. Their outlook provided a theory that justified my undisciplined life.

6. The view of life adopted by these people, my literary associates, was that generally speaking life is a process of development in the course of which the most important role is played by us, the thinkers; and that among the thinkers it is we, the artists and poets, who have the most influence. Our vocation is to educate people. In order to avoid being confronted by the obvious question-'What do I know and what have I got to teach?' - their theory explained that it is not necessary to know this and that the poet and the artist teach unconsciously. I was considered a superb artist and poet and it was therefore quite natural for me to adopt this theory. I, an artist and poet, wrote without knowing myself what it was I was teaching. And I was paid money for doing this. I was provided with excellent food, lodgings, women, company, and I was famous. It must then be the case that what I was teaching was very good.

7. This faith in the meaning of poetry and in the evolution of life was a religion and I was one of its priests. It was very profitable and pleasant to be one of its priests, and for a considerable length of time I lived in this faith without ever doubting its validity. But in the second, and still more in the third year of this existence, I began to doubt its infallibility and to examine it. The first point of doubt was that I had begun to notice how the priests of this religion disagreed among themselves. Some said: 'We are the finest and most useful teachers and it is we who teach what is needed, while the others teach falsely.' And others said: 'No! We are the real teachers and you teach falsely!' They argued, quarrelled, deceived and tricked one another. Moreover, there were many among us who were unconcerned as to who was right and who wrong, but who simply achieved their own selfish ends by means of this activity of ours. All this forced me to doubt the truth of the faith.

8. Furthermore, once I had begun to doubt the truth of this writer's religion I started observing its priests more closely and became convinced that almost all the priests of this faith - the writers - were immoral men, the majority of bad and worthless character and much inferior to the people I had met during my former dissipated military life. But they were complacent and self-satisfied in a way that is only possible for people who are truly holy, or for those who do not know what holiness is. These people became repugnant to me, and I became repugnant to myself, and realized that the religion was a fraud.

9. But strange to say, even though the utter falsehood of this creed was something I came quickly to understand and to reject, I did not discard the rank these people bestowed on me: that of artist, poet and teacher. I naïvely imagined that I was a poet and an artist, and could teach everybody without myself knowing what I was teaching. And this is what I did.

10. Through my association with these men I acquired a new vice: an unhealthily developed pride, and an insane conviction that it was my vocation to teach people without knowing what I was teaching.

11. Now, when I think about this period and about my state of mind and that of those around me (and incidentally there are thousands of them nowadays), I feel sad, terrible, ridiculous; it arouses in me precisely the same feelings as one might experience in a madhouse.

12. At the time we were all convinced that we must talk and talk and write and publish as quickly as possible, and as much as possible, and that this was all necessary for the good of mankind. And thousands of us, contradicting and abusing one another, published and wrote with the aim of teaching others. Failing to notice that we knew nothing, that we did not know the answer to the most basic question of life-what is good and what is evil-we all spoke at the same time, never listening to one another. At times we indulged and praised each other in order to be indulged and praised in return, at other times we grew angry and shrieked at each other, just as if we were in a madhouse.

13. Thousands of workers toiled day and night, assembling millions and millions of words, which were distributed by post over the whole of Russia; and we taught and taught, but never managed to impart all that we had to teach, and were always annoyed that we were given so little attention.

14. Horribly strange, but I now understand it all. Our genuine, sincere concern was over how to gain as much money and fame as possible. And the only thing we knew how to do in order to achieve this aim was to write books and journals. This is what we did. But in order for us to pursue this utterly useless task and have the assurance that we were very important people we needed an argument that would justify what we were doing. And so we devised the following; everything that exists is rational and all that exists evolves. And it evolves through enlightenment. Enlightenment is measured through the distribution of books and journals. We are paid and respected for writing these books and papers, so we must be the most important and useful people. This theory would have been all very well had we been in agreement; but since any thought expressed by any one of us was always contradicted by the diametrically opposed views of another, we should have been forced to rethink. But we did not notice this; we were paid money and those who sided with us praised us, consequently everyone of us believed himself to be in the right.

15. It is now clear to me that there was no difference between our behaviour and that of people in a madhouse; but at the time I only dimly suspected this and, like all madmen, I thought everyone was mad except myself.

Chapter 3

1. And so I lived, abandoning myself to this madness, for another six years until I married. During this period I went abroad. Life in Europe and the contact I had with advanced and learned Europeans still further reinforced the belief in overall perfection, by which I lived; for I found the same belief among them. With my own self this belief assumed the form it usually takes among the educated men of our time. The belief was expressed in the word 'progress'. At the time I felt that this word had some meaning. Living as I was then, like any individual I was tormented by the problem of how to live a better life. I did not yet understand that in answering 'live in conformity with progress', I was speaking exactly like a person who is in a boat being carried along by wind and waves and who when asked the most important and vital question, 'Where should I steer?' avoids answering by saying, 'We are being carried somewhere.'

2. At the time I noticed none of this. Only occasionally, led more by instinct than reason, I rebelled against the superstition so prevalent in our age by which people shield themselves from their failure to understand life. Thus, during my stay in Paris, the sight of an execution revealed to me the precariousness of my superstition in progress. When I saw the heads being separated from the bodies and heard them thump, one after the next, into the box I understood, and not just with my intellect but with my whole being, that no theories of the rationality of existence and progress could justify this crime. I realized that even if every single person since the day of creation had, according to whatever theory, found this necessary I knew that it was unnecessary and wrong, and therefore that judgements on what is good and necessary must not be based on what other people say and do, or on progress, but on the instincts of my own soul. Another instance in which I felt that the superstition of progress was inadequate in regard to life was the death of my brother. He was an intelligent, kind-hearted, serious man who became ill when he was young, suffered for over a year and died in torment without having understood why he had lived, and still less why he was dying. No theories could provide the answers to these questions, either for him or for me, during his slow and tortuous death.

3. But these were only rare instances of doubt and in truth I continued to live, professing faith only in progress. 'Everything is evolving and I am evolving; and the reason why I am evolving together with all the rest will one day be known to me.' This is how I would have formulated my belief at the time.

4. When I returned from abroad I settled in the country and busied myself with the running of the peasant schools. This occupation was close to my heart because in it was none of the falsehood that had become so apparent to me, and struck me so forcibly when I was a literary teacher. Here too I was acting in the name of progress, but I had already assumed a critical attitude towards this progress. I told myself that in some of its manifestations progress had proceeded incorrectly and that here, when dealing with the primitive peasant children, it was necessary to act in a spirit of freedom, leaving them to choose whatever path to progress they wished to take.

5. In reality I was still confronted with the same insoluble problem of how to teach without knowing what I was teaching. In the higher circles of literary activity it was apparent to me that I could not teach without knowing what it was I taught, for I saw that everyone taught differently and that in our arguments we only concealed our own lack of knowledge from each other. But here with the peasant children I thought I could avoid this difficulty by allowing the children to study whatever they liked. It amused me to recall how I side-tracked in order to fulfil my ambition of teaching, while knowing very well in the depths of my heart that I could not possibly teach what was needed because I did not know what it was. After a year spent occupied with the affairs of the school I went abroad again in order to discover how to teach others what I did not know myself.

6. I thought I learnt this there, and equipped with all this wisdom I returned to Russia in the year of the Emancipation of the Serfs. I took up the position of arbitrator and started teaching the uneducated people in the schools, as well as the educated people through the journal I had begun publishing. This seemed to be going well but I felt that my mental state was not altogether healthy and that this could not continue for long. I might perhaps have fallen at this time into the same despair that I fell into when I was fifty if there had not been one aspect of life I had not yet experienced and which promised salvation: this was family life.

7. For a year I involved myself with arbitration work, with the schools and the journal, and soon exhausted myself. This was largely due to my confusion; the struggle as arbitrator became so burdensome, my school activities so complex and my journalistic prevarications so repulsive to me, since they always consisted of the same thing: the desire to teach everyone while concealing the fact that I did not know what I was teaching. I became ill, spiritually more than physically. I threw in everything and left for the steppes of the Bashkirs to breathe fresh air, drink koumiss and live a primitive life.

8. On my return I married. The new circumstances of happy family life completely distracted me from any search for the overall meaning of life. At the time my whole life was bound up with my family, my wife and my children and thus in concerns for improving our means of living. My striving for self-perfection, which had already been replaced by a striving for perfection in general, that is for progress, was now sublimated beneath the straightforward desire of achieving the best for my family and myself.

9. Thus another fifteen years passed.

10. Despite the fact that during those fifteen years I considered the writer's task unimportant, I continued to write. I had already tasted the temptations of authorship, the temptations of enormous financial gain and applause for my trivial work, and I devoted myself to it as a means of improving my material position and of stifling any questions in my soul regarding the meaning of my own life, or of life in general.

11. I wrote, teaching what was for me the only truth: that we must live in order to give ourselves and our families the best possible in life.

12. And so I lived until five years ago when something very strange started happening to me. At first I began experiencing moments of bewilderment; my life would come to a standstill, as if I did not know how to live or what to do, and I felt lost and fell into despair. But they passed and I continued to live as before. Then these moments of bewilderment started to recur more frequently, always taking the same form. On these occasions, when life came to a standstill, the same questions always arose: 'Why? What comes next?'

13. At first I thought the questions pointless and irrelevant. I felt the answers were well known and that should I wish to resolve them it would not cost me much effort; that for the time being I did not have the time to work it all out, but that when I put my mind to it I would find all the answers. However, the questions repeated themselves over and again, demanding answers with more and more urgency. They fell like full stops, always on the same spot, uniting in one large black spot.

14. And then, what happens to everyone stricken with a fatal inner disease happened to me. At first minor signs of indisposition appear, which the sick person ignores; then these symptoms appear more and more frequently, merging into one interrupted period of suffering. The suffering increases and before the sick man realizes what is happening he discovers that the thing he had taken for an indisposition is in fact the thing that is more important to him than anything in the world: it is death.

15. This is just what happened to me. I realized that it was not just a casual indisposition but something very serious and that if the same questions kept repeating themselves they would have to be answered. And I tried to answer them. The questions seemed so stupid, simple, and childish. But the moment I touched upon them and tried to resolve them I was immediately convinced, firstly, that they were not childish and stupid questions but were the most important and profound questions in life, and secondly, that however much I thought about them I could not resolve them. Before occupying myself with my Samara estate, with the education of my son, or with the writing of books, I had to know why I was doing these things. While I did not know why, I could not do anything. Amidst my thoughts concerning the farm, which at the time kept me very busy, a question would suddenly come into my head: 'Well fine, so you will have 6,000 desyatins in the Samara province and 300 horses, and then what?' And feeling completely taken aback, I would not know what to think next. Or, beginning to reflect on the education of my children, I would ask myself, 'Why?' Or deliberating on how the peasants might achieve prosperity I would suddenly ask myself, 'What concern is it of mine?' Or thinking about the fame my own writing brought me, I would say to myself, 'Well fine, so you will be more famous than Gogal, Pushkin, Shakespeare, Molière, more famous than all the writers in the world, and so what?'

16. And I had absolutely no answer.

Chapter 4

1. My life came to a standstill. I could breathe, eat, drink and sleep and I could not help breathing, eating, drinking and sleeping; but there was no life in me because I had no desires whose gratification I would have deemed it reasonable to fulfil. If I wanted something I knew in advance that whether or not I satisfied my desire nothing would come of it.

2. If a magician had come and offered to grant my wishes I would not have known what to say. If in my intoxicated moments I still had the habit of desire, rather than real desire, in my sober moments I knew that it was a delusion and that I wanted nothing. I did not even wish to know the truth because I had guessed what it was. The truth was that life is meaningless.

3. It was as if I had carried on living and walking until I reached a precipice from which I could see clearly that there was nothing ahead of me other than destruction. But it was impossible to stop, and impossible to turn back or close my eyes in order not to see that there was nothing ahead other than deception of life and of happiness, and the reality of suffering and death: of complete annihilation.

4. Life had grown hateful to me, and some insuperable force was leading me to seek deliverance from it by whatever means. I could not say that I wanted to kill myself. The force beckoning me away from life was a more powerful, complete and overall desire. It was a force similar to my striving after life, only it was going in the other direction. I fought as hard as I could against life. The thought of suicide now came to me as naturally as thoughts of improving my life had previously come to me. This idea was so attractive to me that I had to use cunning against myself in order to avoid carrying it out too hastily. I did not want to rush, simply because I wanted to make every effort to unravel the matter. I told myself that if I could not unravel the matter now, I still had time to do so. And it was at this time that I, a fortunate man, removed a rope from my room where I undressed every night alone, lest I hang myself from the beam between the cupboards; and I gave up taking a rifle with me on hunting trips so as not to be tempted to end my life in such an all too easy fashion. I myself did not know what I wanted. I was afraid of life and strove against it, yet I still hoped for something from it.

5. All this was happening to me at a time when I was surrounded on all sides by what is considered complete happiness: I was not yet fifty, I had a kind, loving and beloved wife, lovely children, and a large estate that was growing and expanding with no effort on my part. I was respected by relatives and friends far more than ever before. I was praised by strangers and could consider myself a celebrity without deceiving myself. Moreover I was not unhealthy in mind or body, but on the contrary enjoyed a strength of mind and body such as I had rarely witnessed in my contemporaries. Physically I could keep up with the peasants tilling the fields; mentally I could work for eight or ten hours at a stretch without suffering any ill effects from the effort. And in these circumstances I found myself at the point where I could no longer go on living and, since I feared death, I had to deceive myself in order to refrain from suicide.

6. This spiritual condition presented itself to me in the following manner: my life is some kind of stupid and evil joke that someone is playing on me. Despite the fact that I did not acknowledge any such 'someone', who might have created me, this concept of there being someone playing a stupid and evil joke on me by bringing me into the world came to me as the most natural way of expressing my condition.

7. I could not help feeling that out there somewhere somebody was amusing himself by looking at me and the way I had lived for thirty or forty years, studying, developing, maturing in mind and body. And how now, with a fully matured intellect, having reached the precipice from which life reveals itself, I stood there like an utter fool, believing so firmly that there is nothing in life, that there never has been, nor ever will be. 'And he laughs...'

8. But whether or not this someone laughing at me really existed did not make it any easier for me. I could not attribute any rational meaning to a single act, let alone to my whole life. I simply felt astonished that I had failed to realize this from the beginning. It had all been common knowledge for such a long time. Today or tomorrow sickness and death will come (and they had already arrived) to those dear to me, and to myself, and nothing will remain other than the stench and the worms. Sooner or later my deeds, whatever they may have been, will be forgotten and will no longer exist. What is all the fuss about then? How can a person carry on living and fail to perceive this? That is what is so astonishing! It is only possible to go on living while you are intoxicated with life; once sober it is impossible not to see that it is all a mere trick, and a stupid trick! That is exactly what it is: there is nothing either witty or amusing, it is only cruel and stupid.

9. There is an old Eastern fable about a traveller who is taken unawares on the steppes by a ferocious wild animal. In order to escape the beast the traveller hides in an empty well, but at the bottom of the well he sees a dragon with its jaws open, ready to devour him. The poor fellow does not dare to climb out because he is afraid of being eaten by the rapacious beast, neither does he dare drop to the bottom of the well for fear of being eaten by the dragon. So he seizes hold of a branch of a bush that is growing in the crevices of the well and clings on to it. His arms grow weak and he knows that he will soon have to resign himself to the death that awaits him on either side. Yet he still clings on, and while he is holding on to the branch he looks around and sees that two mice, one black and one white, are steadily working their way round the bush he is hanging from, gnawing away at it. Sooner or later they will eat through it and the branch will snap, and he will fall into the jaws of the dragon. The traveller sees this and knows that he will inevitably perish. But while he is still hanging there he sees some drops of honey on the leaves of the bush, stretches out his tongue and licks them. In the same way I am clinging to the tree of life, knowing full well that the dragon of death inevitably awaits me, ready to tear me to pieces, and I cannot understand how I have fallen into this torment. And I try licking the honey that once consoled me, but it no longer gives me pleasure. The white mouse and the black mouse - day and night - are gnawing at the branch from which I am hanging. I can see the dragon clearly and the honey no longer tastes sweet. I can see only one thing; the inescapable dragon and the mice, and I cannot tear my eyes away from them. And this is no fable but the truth, the truth that is irrefutable and intelligible to everyone.

10. The delusion of the joys of life that had formerly stifled my fear of the dragon no longer deceived me. No matter how many times I am told: you cannot understand the meaning of life, do not think about it but live, I cannot do so because I have already done it for too long. Now I cannot help seeing day and night chasing me and leading me to my death. This is all I can see because it is the only truth. All the rest is a lie.

11. Those two drops of honey, which more than all else had diverted my eyes from the cruel truth, my love for my family and for my writing, which I called art - I no longer found sweet.

12. 'The family...,' I said to myself. But my family, my wife and children, are also human beings. They are in exactly the same position as I am: they too must either live a lie, or face the terrible truth. What do they live for? Why do I love them and look after them, bring them up and watch over them? In order to reach the same state of despair that fills me, or in order to be dull-witted! If I love them I cannot conceal the truth from them. Each step taken in knowledge leads them to this truth. And the truth is death.

13. 'Art, poetry...' For a long time, under the influence of success and praise from others, I had persuaded myself that this was a thing that could be done, despite the fact of approaching death which obliterates everything: myself, my works and the memory of both. But I quickly realized that this too was a delusion. It was clear to me that art is an adornment and embellishment of life. But it had lost its charm for me, so how could I charm others? While I was not living my own life but was being carried along on the crest of another life, as long as I believed that life had meaning even if I could not express it, the reflection of life in poetry and in art of all kinds gave me joy and I enjoyed watching life through the mirror of art. But when I began to search for the meaning of life, when I began to feel the necessity of living, I found this mirror either unnecessary, superfluous and ridiculous, or tormenting. I could no longer be comforted by what I saw in the mirror, namely my stupid and desperate position. It was all right for me to rejoice in the sight while in the depths of my soul I believed that my life had meaning. Then the play of light and shade, the comic, the tragic, the touching, the beautiful, and the frightening aspects of life comforted me. But when I saw that life is meaningless and terrible, the play in the mirror could no longer amuse me. However sweet the honey, it could not be sweet to me while I saw the dragon and the mice gnawing at my support.

14. But that was not all. Had I simply understood that life has no meaning I might have accepted it peacefully, knowing that it was my lot. But I could not be calmed by this. If I had been like a man in a wood from which he knows there is no way out, I might have been able to live; but I was like a man in a wood who is lost, and terrified by this rushes around hoping to find his way out, knowing that with each step he is getting more lost, and yet unable to stop rushing about.

15. It was all quite dreadful. And so, in order to escape from this horror, I wanted to kill myself. I felt a horror of what lay ahead of me and knew that this horror was worse than my present position, but I could neither drive it away nor patiently await the end. However convincing the argument that said a blood vessel of the heart would collapse anyway, or that something would burst and it would all be over, I could not wait for the end with composure. The horror of the darkness was too great and I wanted to escape from it as quickly as possible by means of a rope or a bullet. It was this feeling that lured me, more strongly than anything else, towards suicide.

Chapter 5

1. Several times I said to myself, 'But perhaps I have overlooked something, or failed to understand something? It cannot be that this state of despair is common to all men.' And I searched for an answer to my questions in all branches of knowledge acquired by man. I sought long and laboriously. I did not search half-heartedly, or out of idle curiosity, but tormentedly, persistently, day and night, like a dying man seeking salvation, and I found nothing.

2. I searched all branches of knowledge and not only found nothing, but was convinced that all those who had searched the realms of knowledge like myself had likewise found nothing. Not only had they found nothing, but they had plainly acknowledged the same thing that had led me to despair: the meaninglessness of life as the only indisputable piece of knowledge available to man.

3. I searched everywhere and thanks to a life spent in study, and to my connections with the world of learning, I had access to scholars of various disciplines. I was not denied insight into their erudition, both through books and in conversation with them, and I learnt everything that knowledge has to answer to the question of life.

4. For a long time I could not believe that knowledge has no answer to the question of life, other than that which it gives. For a long time it seemed to me, as I observed the air of importance and seriousness with which science asserts its propositions (which have nothing to do with human life), that I had failed to understand something. For a long time I cowered before knowledge, and felt that the fact of my receiving no adequate answers to my question was a result of my naïveté and no fault of knowledge. But it was no laughing matter to me, it was no joke but a subject that dominated my life. I was finally forced to conclude that my questions were the only legitimate ones serving as the basis of all branches of knowledge, and that the fault did not lie with me and my questions, but with science if it had the pretension to answer these questions.

5. My question, the one that brought me to the point of suicide when I was fifty years old, was a most simple one that lies in the soul of every person, from a silly child to a wise old man. It is the question without which life is impossible, as I had learnt from experience. It is this: what will come of what I do today or tomorrow? What will come of my entire life?

6. Expressed another way the question can be put like this: why do I live? Why do I wish for anything, or do anything? Or expressed another way: is there any meaning in my life that will not be annihilated by the inevitability of death which awaits me?

7. I searched through human knowledge for an answer to this question, which is the same whatever way it is expressed. I found that according to their relation to the question, all branches of human knowledge are divided, almost into two opposite hemispheres, at the opposite ends of which are two poles: one positive and one negative: yet at neither pole were there any answers to the question of life.

8. One branch of knowledge does not even seem to acknowledge the question and yet gives clear and precise answers to its own independently posed question: this is the realm of experimental knowledge, and at its extreme end stands mathematics. The other realm of knowledge recognizes the question but does not answer it. This is the sphere of speculative philosophy, at the extreme end of which stands metaphysics.

9. From my early youth I had studied speculative philosophy, but was later attracted by both mathematical and natural science. Until I had posed my question clearly to myself and the question itself had grown up within me, demanding an urgent resolution, I was satisfied with the falsified answers given by knowledge.

10. In the experimental sphere I said to myself, 'Everything develops, differentiates, moving towards complexity and refinement and there are laws governing this progress. You are a part of a whole. When you know as much as possible about the whole, and about the laws of its development, you will understand your place in the whole, and your own self.' Although I am ashamed to admit it, there was a time when I seemed to be satisfied with this. It was at a time when I myself was developing and growing more complex. My muscles were growing and strengthening, my memory was richer, my capacity to think and comprehend was increasing. I was growing and developing, and, feeling this growth within myself, it was natural for me to believe that there was a law governing the world, in which I could find the answers to the questions of my life. But the time came when I stopped growing; I felt that I was no longer developing but was drying up, my muscles were growing weaker, my teeth falling out, and I saw that this law not only failed to explain anything to me, but that there had never been and never could be such a law, and that I had taken for a law something which I had discovered in myself at a certain time of my life. I examined its definition more strictly, and it became clear to me that there could be no law of perpetual development. It became apparent to me that to say that in the infinity of time and space everything is developing, becoming more perfect, complex and differentiated, is really to say nothing at all. They are all words without a meaning, for in the infinite there is no simple and complex, no before and after, and no better or worse.

11. The most important thing was that my own personal question, the question of what I am with all my desires, was left completely unanswered. I understood that these studies are very interesting and attractive but that their precision and clarity are inversely proportionate to their applicability to questions concerning life: the less applicable to the questions of life, the clearer and more precise they are, whereas the more they try to provide solutions to the questions of life, the more obscure and unattractive they become. If we turn to those branches of knowledge that attempt to provide solutions to the question of life, to physiology, psychology, biology and sociology, we encounter a startling poverty of thought, extreme lack of clarity and a completely unjustified pretension to resolve questions beyond their scope, together with continual contradiction between one thinker and another (or even with their own selves). If we turn to the branches of knowledge that are not concerned with resolving life's questions, but which answer their own specialized, scientific questions, we may be enraptured by the power of the human intellect, but we know in advance that they will provide no answers to the question of life. These branches ignore the question. They say: 'As for what you are and why you live, we have no answers and do not involve ourselves with it. On the other hand, if you need to know about the laws governing light, or about chemical combinations, or about the laws governing the development of organisms; or if you need to know about the laws governing physical bodies and their forms, and the relationship between their size and quantity; or if you need to know about the laws governing your own mind, then we have clear, precise and irrefutable answers to all this.'

12. In general, the relationship of the experimental sciences to the questions of life can be expressed in this way. Question: why do I live? Answer: in the infinity of space and the infinity of time infinitely small particles mutate with infinite complexity. When you understand the laws of these mutations you will understand why you live.

13. Then moving into the speculative sphere I would say to myself: 'All mankind lives and develops according to spiritual principles and ideals which guide it. These ideals are expressed in religions, sciences, arts and forms of government. As these ideals become more elevated mankind advances towards greater well-being. I am a part of mankind and my duty therefore is to enhance the recognition and realization of these ideals.' During my weak-minded period I was satisfied with this. But as soon as the question of life presented itself to me clearly, the whole of this theory instantly crumbled to dust. As well as the careless vagueness with which this kind of knowledge draws conclusions, and makes generalized deductions about humanity based on a study of only a small proportion of it; as well as the mutual contradictions between the different supporters of this theory as to what man's ideals actually are, the peculiarity, not to say the stupidity, of this view is that in order to answer the question facing us all: what am I? or: why do I live? or: what must I do? man must first resolve the question of what this life of mankind is, of which so little is known and of which he can know only a minute portion in a fraction of a moment of time? In order to understand what he is man must first understand the entire mystery of humanity, a humanity made up of people like himself, who do not understand themselves.

14. I must confess there was a time when I believed this. It was at a time when I had my own favourite ideals which justified my whims, and I endeavoured to concoct a theory by which I could look upon my whims as laws governing mankind. But once the question of life had risen up in my soul with full clarity, this answer immediately vanished into thin air. I came to realize that just as with the experimental sciences there are genuine sciences and semi-sciences, both trying to give answers beyond their scope, there are similarly a whole series of extremely diverse sciences, also trying to answer questions beyond their scope. These semi-sciences, the judicial, social and historical sciences, all endeavour to resolve man's questions by giving the appearance, each in its own way, of resolving the question of life that concerns all mankind.

15. But just as in the realms of experimental sciences a person who sincerely asks how he ought to live cannot be satisfied with an answer advising him to study the infinite complexities and mutations of an infinite number of particles in the infinity of space and time; similarly a person who sincerely asks how he ought to live cannot be satisfied with an answer telling him that in order to understand himself he must first study the life of the whole of humanity, of which neither the beginning nor the end is known, nor even the smallest part. And, as with the experimental semi-sciences, the more these other sciences diverge from their purpose, the more they become filled with vagueness, lack of precision, stupidities and contradictions. The problem concerning experimental science is the sequence of cause and effect in material phenomena. Experimental science only has to be introduced to the question of final causes for it to turn into a nonsense. The problem facing speculative science is acknowledgement of the essence of life that lies beyond cause and effect. And one only has to introduce causative phenomena, such as social or historical data, into the investigations and it turns into a nonsense.

16. Experimental science, therefore, only deals with positive knowledge and reveals the greatness of the human intellect when it does not introduce the question of ultimate causes into its inquiries. Abstract science, on the other hand, only becomes a science and only reveals the greatness of the human intellect when it completely avoids questions concerning the sequence of causative phenomena and examines man only in relation to an ultimate cause. An example of this science, situated at the pole of the hemisphere, is metaphysics, or abstract philosophy. This science clearly poses the question: who am I? And: what is the universe? Why do I exist and why does the universe exist? And since it has existed this science has always given the same answer. Whether the philosopher calls the essence of life that is within me and within everything an idea, or a substance, a spirit or a will, he is saying the same thing: that I exist and that I am this essence. But how and why he does not know, and if he is a precise thinker he does not answer. I ask, 'Why does this essence exist? What comes of the fact that it is and will be?' And philosophy not only fails to answer but can only ask the same thing itself. And if it is a true philosophy, its whole task lies precisely in posing this question clearly. And if it holds firmly to its purpose then it can have no other answer to the question of what I am and what the universe is than: 'All and nothing.' And to the question of why the universe exists and why I exist, then: 'I do not know.'

17. Thus, whatever way I twist these speculative answers of philosophy, I can find nothing resembling an answer. This is not because, as in the case of the clear, experimental sciences, the answer does not relate to the question, but because despite all the intellectual effort directed at my question, there is no answer. And instead of an answer all one gets is the same question, only put in a more complicated form.

Chapter 6

1. In my search for answers to the question of life I felt just like a man who is lost in a wood.

2. I came to a clearing, climbed a tree and saw clearly into the never-ending distance. But there was no house there, nor could there be. I walked into the thicket, into the gloom and saw the darkness, but there was no house there either.

3. In the same way I wandered in the forest of human knowledge, both amidst the bright rays of mathematical knowledge and experimental knowledge, where wide horizons were opened up to me, but in a direction where I could find no house, and amidst the darkness of speculative knowledge where I was immersed in ever deeper gloom the further I progressed. And I became quite convinced that there was not, and could not be, a way out.

4. When I inclined to the bright side of knowledge I realized that I was only avoiding facing the question. However bright and attractive those horizons spreading out before me were, and however tempting it was to immerse myself in the infinity of all this knowledge, I already knew that the clearer the knowledge was, the less I needed it, and the less it answered my question. 'Well,' I said to myself, 'I know everything that science so urgently wants to know and along that path there is no answer to the question of the meaning of my life.' 'In the speculative realm I knew that despite the fact, or rather precisely because of the fact, that the primary purpose of this knowledge is to answer my question, the answer given was none other than the one I had already given myself: what is the meaning of my life? It has none. Or: what will come of my life? Nothing. Or: why does everything there is exist, and why do I exist? Because it does.

5. When I put my questions to one branch of human knowledge I received a countless number of precise answers to things I had not asked: the chemical composition of the stars, the movement of the sun towards the constellation Hercules, the origin of the species and of man, the forms of infinitely tiny atoms, the fluctuations of infinitely small and imponderable particles of ether. But the only answer this branch of knowledge provided to my question concerning the meaning of life was this: you are that which you call your life; you are a temporary, incidental accumulation of particles. The mutual interaction and alteration of these particles produces in you something you refer to as your life. This accumulation can only survive for a limited length of time; when the interaction of these particles ceases, that which you call life will cease, bringing an end to all your questions. You are a randomly united lump of something. This lump decomposes and the fermentation is called your life. The lump will disintegrate and the fermentation will end, together with all your questions. This is the answer given by the exact side of knowledge, and if it adheres strictly to its principles, it cannot answer otherwise.

6. However, the truth is that this answer does not reply to the question. I need to know the meaning of my life, and the fact that it is a particle of infinity not only fails to give it any meaning, but eliminates any possible meaning.

7. The experimental side of knowledge vaguely compromises with the speculative side in saying that the meaning of life lies in development and in the encouragement of this development. But owing to the inaccuracies and obscurities these cannot be regarded as answers.

8. Whenever the other side of knowledge, the speculative realm, sticks firmly to its principles and gives direct answers to the question, it has always, throughout the ages, given the same answer: the universe is something infinite and incomprehensible. Man's life is an inscrutable part of this inscrutable 'whole'. Again I exclude all the compromises made between the speculative and experimental sciences, which support a whole array of semi-sciences: the so-called judicial, political and historical sciences. In these sciences there is the same mistaken approach to the understanding of development and perfection, with the only difference that in one instance we have the development of everything, and in the other the development of people's lives. The mistake is identical: development and perfection can have no purpose or direction in infinity, and as far as my question is concerned, no answer.

9. When speculative knowledge is exact, namely in true philosophy, and not that which Schopenhauer calls professorial philosophy (which serves only to divide all existing phenomena into new philosophical categories, with new names), here when philosophy does not lose sight of the essential question, the answer is always the same as the one given by Socrates, Schopenhauer, Solomon and Buddha.

10. 'We grow closer to the truth only to the extent that we grow further away from life,' says Socrates when preparing himself for death. 'What do we, who love the truth, strive for in life? In order to be free of the body and of all the evil that arises from the life of the body. If this is so then how can we fail to rejoice when death approaches?'

11. 'The wise man seeks death throughout his life, and therefore death is not frightening to him.'

12. 'If we understand the inner essence of the universe as will,' says Schopenhauer, 'and if we understand all phenomena, from the dark forces of nature to the full conscious activity of man, as no more than the objectivity of the will, we cannot escape the conclusion that it is in the free denial and self-renunciation of the will that all phenomena disappear; the constant striving and the aimless and untiring allurement towards all the levels of subjectivity in which, and through which, the universe exists will disappear, as will all the various subsequent forms. When form disappears so too will all phenomena of form, including both space and time, until eventually even the last basis of form will disappear, i.e. subject and object. There is no idea without will, and no universe. Before us, of course, there remains only nothingness. But that which opposes this transition into nothingness, our nature, is but our own will to exist (Will zum Leben), of which both we and our universe are made up. That we are afraid of nothingness, or that we wish to live, only indicates that we ourselves are nothing other than this desire to live and we know nothing other than this. Therefore what remains to us, who are so full of will after the annihilation of the will, is of course nothingness; on the other hand, in those in whom the will has been reversed and renounced, this universe of ours that is so real with all its suns and galaxies is nothingness.'

13. 'Vanity of vanities,' says Solomon, 'all is vanity. What profit hath a man of all his labour which he taketh under the sun? One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh, but the earth abideth forever... The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun. Is there any thing whereof it may be said, See this is new? It hath been already of old time, which was before us. There is no remembrance of former things; neither shall there be any remembrance of things that are to come with those that shall come after. I the Preacher was king over Israel in Jerusalem. And I gave my heart to seek and search out by wisdom concerning all things that are done under the heaven: this sore travail hath God given to the sons of man to be exercised therewith. I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit... I communed with mine own heart, saying, Lo, I am come to great estate, and have gotten more wisdom than all they that have been before me in Jerusalem: yea, my heart had great experience of wisdom and knowledge. And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow. I said in mine heart, Go to now, I will prove thee with mirth, therefore enjoy pleasure: and, behold, this also is vanity. I said of laughter, it is mad: and of mirth, what doeth it? I sought in mine heart to give myself unto wine, yet acquainting mine heart with wisdom; and to lay hold on folly, till I might see what was that good for the sons of men, which they should do under the heaven all the days of their life. I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards; I made me gardens and orchards, and planted trees in them of all kind of fruits: I made me pools of water to water therewith the wood that bringeth forth trees: I got me servants and maidens, and had servants born in my house; also I had great possessions of great and small cattle above all that were in Jerusalem before me: I gathered me also silver and gold, and the peculiar treasure of kings and of the provinces: I gat me men singers and women singers, and the delights of the sons of men, as musical instruments, and that of all sorts. So I was great, and increased more than all that were before me in Jerusalem: also my wisdom remained with me. And whatsoever mine eyes desired I kept not from them, I withheld not my heart from any joy; for my heart rejoiced in all my labour: and this was my portion of all my labour. Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labour that I had laboured to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of the spirit, and there was no profit, from them under the sun. And I turned myself to behold wisdom, and madness, and folly: for what can the man do that cometh after the king? Even that which hath been already done. Then I saw that wisdom excelleth folly, as far as light excelleth darkness. The wise man's eyes are in his head; but the fool walketh in darkness: and I myself perceived also that one event happeneth to them all. Then I said in my heart, as it happeneth to the fool, so it happeneth even to me; and why was I then more wise? Then I said in my heart, that this also is vanity. For there is no remembrance of the wise more than of the fool for ever; seeing that which now is in the days to come shall all be forgotten. And how dieth the wise man? As the fool. Therefore I hated life; because the work that is wrought under the sun is grievous unto me: for all is vanity and vexation of spirit. Yea, I hated all my labour which I had taken under the sun: because I should leave it unto the man that shall be after me... For what hath man of all his labour, and of the vexation of his heart, wherein he hath laboured under the sun? For all his days are sorrows, and his travail is grief, yea his heart taketh not rest in the night. This is also vanity. There is nothing better for a man than that he should eat and drink, and that he should make his soul enjoy good in his labour...

14. All things come alike to all: there is one event to the righteous, and to the wicked; to the good and to the clean, and to the unclean; to him that sacrificeth and to him that sacrificeth not: as is the good, so is the sinner; and he that sweareth, as he that feareth an oath. There is an evil among all things that are done under the sun, that there is one event unto all; yea, also the heart of the sons of men is full of evil, and madness is in their heart while they live, and after that they go to the dead. For him that is joined to all the living there is hope: for a living dog is better than a dead lion. For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten. Also their love, and their hatred, and their envy, is now perished; neither have they any more a portion for ever of any thing that is done under the sun.'

15. Thus speaks Solomon, or the person who wrote these words.

16. This is what an Indian sage says: 'Saki-Muni, a young and happy Prince, from whom illness, old age and death had been kept secret, went out for a drive one day and saw a frightful, toothless, drivelling old man. The Prince, who until now knew nothing of old age, was aghast and asked the driver what it was and what had brought the man to such a pitiful, repulsive and ugly state. When he learnt that it is a fate common to all men and that he, a young Prince, inevitably faced the same thing, he could go no further and gave orders to return home so that he could think it over. He shut himself up alone and reflected on it. Presumably his thoughts consoled him because he went out again, happy and cheerful, for another drive. But this time he met a sick man. He saw an emaciated bluish, trembling man, with dim eyes. The Prince, from whom sickness had been hidden, stopped the driver and asked what this was. When he discovered that it was sickness, to which all people are susceptible and that he, a healthy and happy Prince, might become sick tomorrow, he again lost the spirit to be cheerful and demanded to be taken home, where he again sought solace. He probably found it for he set out again, for the third time. But on this occasion he saw yet another new thing: he saw some people carrying something. 'What is it?' 'A dead man.' 'What does dead mean?' asked the Prince. He was told that to be dead was to be what this man was. The Prince went up to the dead body, uncovered it and looked at it. 'What will become of him now?' he asked. The Prince was told that the man would be buried in the ground. 'Why?' 'Because he will never live again and all that will come of him is stench and worms.' 'And is this the fate of all men? Will it happen to me too? Will I be buried and give off a stench and be consumed by worms?' 'Yes.' 'Go back! I do not wish to go for a drive. I will never go for a drive again!'

17. Saki-Muni could find no consolation in life and resolved that life is a great evil, and he devoted all the strength of his soul to freeing himself, and others, from life. He wanted to free them in such a way that after death life would not be renewed anywhere, but would be completely annihilated, at the roots. This is what all Indian sages say.

18. These then are the straightforward answers given by human wisdom in reply to the questions of life:

19. 'The life of the body is evil and a lie. And since the annihilation of the life of the body is a blessing we must long for it,' says Socrates.

20. 'Life is that which it should not be: evil. The transition into nothingness is the only thing sacred in life,' says Schopenhauer.

21. Everything in the world, both folly and wisdom, richness and poverty, happiness and grief, all is vanity and emptiness. A man dies and nothing remains. This is absurd,' says Solomon.

22. 'It is impossible to live in the consciousness that suffering, weakening, old age and death are inevitable; we must free ourselves from life, from all possibility of life,' says Buddha.

23. And the very same thing said by these powerful minds has been said and thought by millions of people similar to them. And I too have thought and felt it.

24. And thus my perusals in the realms of knowledge not only failed to lead me out of my despair, but simply increased it. One branch of knowledge did not answer the question of life; the other gave an answer but the reply only confirmed my despair and showed me that the conclusion I had reached was not the result of my erring ways, or of a morbid state of mind. On the contrary it convinced me that what I had thought was correct, and in accord with the conclusions reached by the most penetrating human minds.

25. To deceive oneself is pointless. All is vanity. Happy is he who was never born. Death is better than life; one must free oneself from it.