第五卷
1
主啊,请接受我的忏悔。他们是通过我的唇舌献上的祭物,因为是你亲手造了它,是你的灵使它感动承认你的名。请医治我的百骨,并让它们说,主啊,谁能像你呢?
如果一个人向你忏悔,他不吐露他内心最深处的想法,似乎以为你不知道那些想法。心灵也许会封闭,却不能遮蔽你的视线。人的心可能是坚硬的,却不能阻挡你双手的触摸。无论何时,只要你愿意,你的仁慈或惩罚都能使人的心变得柔软,就像没有人能躲避阳光一样,没有人能够躲避你燃烧的热量。
让我的灵魂赞美你,彰显你的爱。让它公开承认你的慈爱,让它赞美你的仁慈。你所创造的都不停息地齐声赞美你。人们向你祈祷,他们的灵魂赞美你。动物、无生命的事物也一样,也都因着我们对它们的思考而通过我们的嘴唇来赞美你。因为我们的心灵从你创造的事物中获得供给,让我们可以克服弱点并提升到你的高度,同时利用它们来帮助我们回归你的身边,是你使这些事物变得妙不可言。我们因你而得到重塑并找到真正的力量。
3
在我的上帝面前,我将描述我29岁的时光。
有一个叫做福斯图斯的摩尼教 【1】 主教,最近到了迦太基。他简直就是一个从魔鬼那里而来的诈骗者,很多人都被他演讲时迷人的姿态所吸引。这自然是我所仰慕的,但是我开始学会去区别这仅仅是雄辩还是我渴望学习的真理。摩尼教徒对这个叫福斯图斯的人谈论了很多,而我只想看看他要向我呈现什么学问,我并不关心他使用什么言辞来修辞。我已经听说他在所有高级学问中很擅长使用言辞,特别是在自由科学领域。
我曾读过许多科普书籍,现在对这些书依然记忆犹新。当我把这些知识与摩尼教单调的故事进行比较时,对我来说,二者之中的科学理论似乎更接近真理。因为他们的思想可延展至足够远来对他们周边的世界做出判断,虽然他们对世界之主一无所知。而你,主啊,你高高在上,以赞许的眼光观看卑微的众生,却从远处藐视骄傲的人。你只与那些心里谦卑的人亲近。而那些骄傲的人,虽然他们通过学习而能计算星星和海沙的数目,能测量星座的位置和行星运行的轨迹,他们却找不到你。
[……]
6
大约有9年左右的时间,我的心摇摆不定。我是摩尼教的追随者,我极热切地期待着福斯图斯的到来。这个教派的教徒不能回答我提出的问题,但他们安慰我说,一旦福斯图斯到来,我就可以与他讨论,他会毫不费力地对这些问题和我可能提出的更难的问题,给予一个明确的解答。
[……]
我对福斯图斯长久热切的期盼有了丰厚的回报,他确定了辩论题目和表现出好意。他很容易就能找到合适的词来展现他的思想,这让我惊喜。我不是唯一为此鼓掌的人,当然我鼓掌的次数可能比谁都多。但是我发现这很累人,当很多人聚在一起听他演讲时,我不能够接近他去请教我的问题,而且也不能在他的面前做友好的问答式交流。一旦有机会,我和朋友们就会吸引他的注意,尽管那是不适宜私人交谈的时候。我提出了我的一些疑问,但是很快发现除了文学的一些基础知识外,他没有什么学识。他仅读过一点西塞罗的演讲,一两本塞内加 【2】 的书,一些诗歌,以及他的教友用很美的拉丁文写成的书。除了日常的演讲训练外,这些读物是他雄辩的基础,也是他增加魅力,完善他那吸引人的人格和充分运用精神力量的基础。
[……]
7
当我发现福斯图斯对那些我期盼他在其中是专家的领域一无所知时,我马上便不再期待他能解决那些困扰我的问题。当然,尽管他在这些事情上是无知的,他依然是一个十分虔诚的人,只可惜他是一个摩尼教徒。摩尼教的书充满了对天空、星辰、太阳和月亮故事长篇累牍的编造。我十分希望福斯图斯能把这些与我在其他书中学到的算数对比一下,即使我可以判断摩尼教的理论是否更可能是真理,或者至少同样可能是真理,但是我开始意识到他不能给我一个详细的解释。当我建议应该考虑这些问题并可以一起讨论时,他一定是非常谦虚而不去承担这个任务。他知道他无法回答我的问题,并且不羞于承认这一点,不像其他我不得不容忍的健谈者,当他无话可说时,他不会试图给我一个教训。他有一颗心,尽管他寻找你的方式是错误的,但他并非不慎重。他没有完全意识到他的局限性,并且不想仓促地加入一场辩论,因为这种辩论可能迫使他处于他无法维持也可能无法轻易退出的局面。我反而因此更喜欢他了,因为对于心智而言,谦逊和坦诚是很好的装备,胜过我希望拥有的科学知识。我发现他对所有困难和深奥的问题的态度都是一样的。
[……]
于是,不经意间,这个吸引了许多人的福斯图斯如今开始将我从困境中解救出来。主啊,冥冥之中你指引的手没有丢弃我。我母亲日夜向你流泪,并为了我,将她的心血献上为祭,但是你引领我走在最奇妙的路上。主啊,是你引导了我,因为若一个人前进的步伐受到主的指引,他无疑会坚定不移。除了你的手之外,还有什么可以拯救我们,还有什么可以重新塑造你所创造的呢?
8
那时,在你的指引下,我被说服去罗马,在那儿教授我在迦太基所教的科目。
[……]
9
在罗马,我被疾病所击倒,我几乎坠入地狱,背负着我对你犯下的罪,对自己犯下的罪,对其他人犯下的罪,一系列严重的罪行超过了原罪的总和,在罪里面我们和亚当都死了。那时你还没有在基督里宽恕我犯下的罪中的任何一条,在他的十架上,你也还没有化解我因罪给你带来的敌意。如果你仅仅是我认为的一个幻象的话,那么你如何在十字架上化解这种敌意?到那时为止,我认为基督身体的死亡不是真的,而我自己灵魂的死亡却是真实的。因着对他死亡的怀疑,我的灵魂和生命是虚假的,而他身体的死亡却是真实的。
[……]
如果我死在那个国家,我母亲的心所受到的打击将永远也不会康复。言语无法表达她是多么爱我,她为我灵性的重生所承受的焦虑远远大于她生产我时的痛苦。如果我在那种情况下死去,我无法想象她会怎样恢复过来,因我的死会刺透她那爱我的心。那么她经常做的恒久、迫切祷告的对象是谁呢?是你,除你以外没有别人。但是,你这位满有怜悯的主啊,你会鄙视这守贞寡妇从内心深处发出的悔恨、卑微的声音吗?她总是乐于施舍,积极为你的圣徒们效劳,每天都要到你的祭坛献祭,从不间断。她每天早晚去教堂两次,毫无例外。她并不是去听那些空洞的故事和老妇人的闲言碎语,而是去听你话语的教导,即使你也能听到她的祷告。在你的恩典中,她成就了她自身,你能拒绝帮助她吗?或者,当她不要求金银或任何转瞬即逝的好处,而是请求你拯救她儿子的灵魂,你会鄙视她的眼泪吗?主啊,你决不会这么做的。不,你在那儿听她的祷告,并按照你的时间做你决定做的事情。你一定不会在梦境和答复中欺骗她。在她虔敬的心中牢牢地记住这些我在上文中曾经提到的和没有提到的梦境和答复,好像得到你亲手书写的手谕一样,在祈祷时念念不忘,反复地对你提及。因为你的慈爱永远长存,在你的应许中,你屈尊为这些免除了所有债务的人做一个负债者。
10
所以,是你医好了我的疾病。你使你仆人的儿子的身体恢复健康,让他可以活着从你那里去接受另一个更好、更确定的健康。
[……]
12
我开始积极地教授文法和雄辩术,这是我来罗马的目的。起初我在家里教,我招收了一些之前就听说过我的学生,通过他们我开始小有名气。但是我开始意识到在罗马有困难,这困难在非洲是不会有的。千真万确的是,我发现这里没有小流氓的闹事,但却听说,有一群学生会不断地搞集体阴谋以逃避支付他们导师的费用,或是投身到另外一个老师门下。他们是相当无耻的,与喜爱金钱相比,正义对于他们一文不值。我内心憎恨他们,而且不是没有私心的憎恨,我认为,我憎恨他们,更多是因为我对他们难以忍受,而不仅是他们对教师所犯的错误。……我依然憎恶这些偏执和思想扭曲的学生,但是我也爱他们,希望教导他们以改变他们,让他们学会爱学习胜过爱金钱,并学会去爱你,他们的上帝,因为你是真理、永不止息的善的源头和最圣洁的和平者。但是在这些日子里,我是因为害怕他们可能会给我带来伤害而讨厌他们,而不是因为你的缘故希望他们归回正路。
13
于是,当罗马的执政官收到一封来自米兰的信,要求为米兰找一位文法和雄辩老师,而且答应旅行的费用会由公共资金来负担的时候,我申请了这个职位,并且还由那些在摩尼教的愚昧中陷入已深的教友推荐我。尽管当时没有人知道,但这个旅行意味着我与他们的联系结束。最后执行官西马库斯安排了一场考试,他们认可了我的能力,并将我送去了米兰。
在米兰,我找到了你热心的仆人安波罗修主教,他因出众的品行而闻名于世。那时,他那极有天赋的唇舌不厌其烦地宣传你粮食的充裕、你圣油的喜乐和你让人清醒又沉醉的酒。我不知道,是你把我引向他,我以为是他引导我到了你那里。这位圣人作为主教,像父亲一样接待我,告诉我他是多么高兴我来了。我的心被他温暖,仅仅是这个人对我表示了友善,并非因为他是真理的教师,我已经对能在教会中找到这样的人感到绝望了。他向人们布道时,尽管带着不恰当的目的,我都仔细聆听。我当时的目的是凭自己去判断那些对他演讲能力的报告是否正确,或是他的口才是否与我所听说的那样的好。于是,当我全神贯注地听他所使用的词时,我对主题就十分不感兴趣,甚至鄙视它。我对他迷人的演讲无比喜爱,虽然他是一位比福斯图斯更有学识的演讲者,但却没有那样流畅和风度翩翩。我仅仅说的是他的风格,但就内容来说,他却是举世无双的。福斯图斯在摩尼教的谬误中迷失了,而安波罗修则最确定无疑地教授关于拯救的教义。但你的仁慈不为罪人所知晓,正如当时的我,虽然正无意间一步一步地走向你。
14
虽然我不难明白安波罗修所讲的内容,但我仅仅关注他表达的方式,那是我当时的唯一兴趣,因为我已经不再相信人类能够找到通向你的道路。与我所欣赏的演讲方式不可分割的是演讲的主题,我视其无足轻重,可也无法将这二者分开。我全神贯注地学习他的演讲方式,并且开始意识到他所说的真理和事实。尽管这是一个渐近的过程。最初打动我的是,他所讲的东西还是有道理的。于是我开始相信基督宗教,我曾经认为基督宗教不可能驳斥摩尼教,可特别当我听完一段《旧约》的解释后,就改变了之前的看法。当我从字面上来理解时,这些字句是死的,但一旦我听到它们的灵性意义,我就开始为我的绝望而责备自己,起码在那之前,这种绝望曾使我以为无法面对那些憎恨、嘲弄上帝律法和先知的人。但是我没有感觉到我只需走基督宗教的道路,因为它已经有了有学识的人,准备为它担保并不会在回答反对意见时失声。另一方面,我认为我自己的信念不应该受到谴责,因为两边的观点势均力敌。我认为基督宗教方面没有被打败,但也没有获胜。
下一步,我竭尽全力找到一些证明摩尼教谬误的证据。如果我能够构想出一种精神实体,那么他们的观点就会在瞬间被推翻,被我的思想拒绝。但是我做不到这个。不过,我对物质世界和整个自然思考得越多,尽可能通过我们的身体来感知,我愈加细查各种的理论,越多地开始认为大多数哲学家的观点可能是正确的。于是,把任何的事情都当做疑问来对待,像学园派通常的做法那样,在教义与教义之间不做判断,我至少已经下决心要离开摩尼教,我在游移不定中徘徊,我认为继续留在摩尼教是不正确的,因为我发现一些哲学家的见解更有道理。然而,我完全拒绝相信这些哲学家可以医治我生病的灵魂,因为他们忽略了拯救人的基督之名。我决定在基督大公教会保留慕道友的身份,这是我父母所希望的,至少保留到我可以清晰地看见一束光引导我的脚步之前。
注释
【1】 又称明教,是一个源自古代波斯宗教,为公元纪中叶波斯人摩尼(Mani)所创立。
【2】 塞内加(公元4年—65年)是古罗马最重要的悲剧作家,他受斯多葛哲学影响,精于修辞和哲学,并曾担任过著名暴君尼禄的老师。他主张人们用内心的宁静来克服生活中的痛苦,宣传同情、仁爱。
第六卷
1
主啊,我年轻时的希望,你这段时间在哪里?你为了躲避我而藏在哪里?难道不是你创造了我,使我与行走在大地上的野兽不同,也比天上的飞鸟更聪慧吗?然而,我在黑暗中走在危险的路上。我在自身之外的地方寻找你,在我自己的心中也没有找到你。我深入到海底。我丧失了所有信仰,并且对能够找到真理而感到绝望。
但是我母亲现在来到我这里,她的虔诚给了她力量为追寻我而穿越陆地和海洋,用对你的坚定信仰来面对所有的危险。当船在危险中时,是她安慰了全体船员的心,正是这些人在不习惯大海的乘客感到震惊时,转而安慰他们。她许诺他们将平安到达,因为你在异象中给了她应许。并且她发现我也处于严重的危险中,因为我对能寻找到真理感到绝望。我告诉她,我不是一个基督宗教徒,但是至少我不再是摩尼教徒了。可她没有高兴得跳起来,即便这个消息是出乎意料的。实际上,在这个程度上,她对我的担忧已经减轻了。在她向你的祷告中,她为我哭泣,好像我已经死了一样,但是她也知道你将唤醒我的生命。在她的心中,我被放在停尸架上放到你的面前,等着你对这个寡妇的儿子说:“年轻人,我吩咐你起来”。然后,他便起来开始说话,接着你把他重新还给他母亲。于是当她听到她日复一日的祷告和眼泪,在最后,在很大程度上得到了回报时,她没有感觉到涌动的喜乐,她的心跳也没有加快。因我已经从错误中被解救出来,虽然我还没有抓住真理。可事实却相反,她确信,如果你已经应许她一切,你也会将剩余的应许给她。她心中充满了对你的信心,她很平静地告诉我,在基督里,她相信,在她离世之前一定会看到我成为虔诚的基督宗教徒。这是她告诉我的。但是对你,那所有怜悯之源泉,她流尽眼泪,更加热诚地祷告,只求你加快你的帮助并在黑暗中给我光明。她比以前更热切地去教堂,并全神贯注地听安波罗修讲道。对于她来说,安波罗修的话像她心里的活水,不断地涌流到永生。她将他当作上帝的天使般爱戴。因为她已经知道,通过他,我从原来的状态被引到目前这种不确定的摇摆状态。母亲确信我会走过这一状态,这种状态会把我从疾病引向健康,但是在我的前面还有更大的危险,这危险很像医生所说的危机。
5
从那时起,我开始相信基督宗教的教导。教会要求我们应该相信某些事物,尽管它们不能够得到证明,如果它们可以被证明,没有人能够理解,而且一些事物是根本无法被证明的。我想教会在这一事件上是完全诚实的,没有摩尼教那样自负。摩尼教嘲笑那些通过信仰来认识事物的方式,轻率地对科学知识做出许诺,然后提出一个发明出来的荒谬体系,他们期望信徒们通过信心而相信,因为它们无法得到证明。主啊,于是,你把你最温柔、最仁慈的手放在我的心上,并使我的思想有条理,于是我开始意识到我相信无数看不见或不在场便看不到的事情——历史中的很多事情,许多关于地点和小镇的事情我从未看见过,并相信许多朋友、医生或是他人的话。除非我相信这些事情,否则我们就要在人生中伴随绝对的虚无。最重要的是,这个信仰终于让我知道我的父母是谁,这信仰是如此确定和不可动摇, 因为除非我相信被告知的内容,否则我绝不可能知道。通过这种方式,你使我认识到我不应该挑这些相信《圣经》的人的错误,你已经在地上的各民中建立了这样的伟大权威,但这些人却不相信你。而且我应该不在意这样一些人,他们问我为什么可以确信《圣经》是由一位、从不说谎的真实的上帝通过圣灵赐下给人们的。准确地说,我最需要相信这一点,因为在我读过的所有自相矛盾的哲学书中,误导人的假设无论引起怎样的争议,却没有一刻夺去我对你存在的信仰以及你管理人类事务的权利。尽管那时我对你了解甚少。
我认为你是存在的,我们的福祉掌握在你的手中。这一信念有时强,有时弱,但是,即便我既不知道我应该如何思考你的存在,也不知道哪条道路将我引向你或引导我回到你身边,我却一直坚持这一信念。于是,由于我们太软弱了,无法光靠理性来发现真理,基于这一原因,我们需要你圣书的权威。我开始相信,你绝不会在任何地方都赋予《圣经》这样显著的权威性,除非你已经打算让我们,通过它使我们寻找你并相信你。早先让我觉得荒谬的章节,我现在听到了关于它们的很多合理的解释,我视它们为神秘深刻的奥秘。并且对我来说,更正确的做法应该是,《圣经》权威应该通过纯正的信仰被尊重和接受,因为所有人都可以轻松地阅读它,它也拥有深刻的含义,它的巨大秘密被深藏着。 它平实的语言和简约的风格使得任何人都容易理解,而且也能吸引有学问的人的关注。通过这种方式,《圣经》在它的大网下收罗了所有的人,一些人安全地通过了狭窄的网眼来到你那里。他们的人数不多,如果不是《圣经》高高在上的权威,又以神圣的谦卑将人们聚集在一起,人数还会更少。
[……]
13
我一直不断地被敦促结婚,而且他们已经为我选择了另一半,女方已经接受了。我母亲竭尽所能帮助我,这是她的希望,一旦我结婚了,我就会接受洗礼的救赎之水来洗净我的罪。她每天都很高兴,我变得更适合接受洗礼了,我对信仰的接受,使她看到她的祷告有了结果、你的应许得以实现。在我的要求和她自己的期望下,她每天用心灵祈求你在梦中能给她一些关于我未来婚姻的启示,但是你没有这样做。她有一些模糊和奇特的梦想,这是她被这些思想占据的结果,当她告诉我这些时,她把这些当做无关紧要的事情,并没有确定地说你给她梦的时候经常有这些情况。她经常说,有一些让她不能用言论形容的感觉使她能够区分你的启示和她自己的自然的梦。尽管如此,我婚礼的计划依然在进行,也征得了女孩的父母同意。她太年轻,离法定婚龄还有两年,但是我太喜欢她了,我愿意等待。
15
与此同时,我的罪恶越来越厉害了。与我同居的女人被看为婚姻的障碍被迫与我分开了,这一打击让我心如刀割,因为我仍深爱着她。她返回了非洲并发誓不再委身于任何其他男人,她留下了为我生的那个孩子。但是我太悲伤、太虚弱,我无法想象作为一个女人有此遭遇的情景。那个已经答应与我结婚的女子需要等待两年,我有点不耐烦,因为我是情欲的奴隶,而不是对婚姻的真爱。我又找了一个情妇,没有结婚。这意味着我灵魂的疾病依然没有减弱,实际上是加重了,而且在无法解释的习惯的注视和监护下,会在婚姻的状态中延续下去。另外,当我第一个女人离开时,我受到的创伤没有愈合的迹象。最初,痛苦是尖刻而撕心裂肺的,然后伤口开始溃烂,而且痛苦变得更加迟钝,没有愈合的希望。
16
称赞和尊敬都是给你的,哦,怜悯之泉!当我的痛苦越来越深时,你越来越接近我。尽管我不知道,你的手已经准备好了把我从泥潭中拉出来,并把我洗干净。除了对死亡和即将到来的末日审判的恐惧,没有什么可以阻止我在肉欲的泥潭中越陷越深。在我观念的转变中,这种惧怕从没有离开我的心。
[……]
我走过的路是多么的曲折啊!当我希望通过抛弃你而去找到更好的东西时,我的灵魂将会遇到怎样的危险!无论我前后左右的路会通向哪里,我躺在艰难的床上,只有在你那里,灵魂才得以安息。你把我们从让我们迷失的错误的痛苦中解救出来,让我们走你的道路,并安慰我们:“继续奔跑吧,我会支持你,我会引导你并护送你到达终点。”
第七卷
1
到这时,我那充满罪恶的青春结束了。我逐渐步入成熟期,但是我年龄越大,我就越是可耻地自欺欺人。除了这些通常肉眼所见之物外,我不能想象出任何实体。主啊,但是我不能想象你人体的形状,我反对这一观点,因为我已经开始学习哲学,并且我很高兴地发现,我们的灵性母亲,你的大公教会,也反对这一信念。但是我不知道还能怎样想你。
我只是一个男人,一个软弱的男人,但是我试图把你看做最高的神,唯一的上帝,真正的神。在我心里,我相信你永远不会衰亡、受损或变化,尽管我不知道这是为什么,我确定无疑地懂得,会衰亡的事物较之不会衰亡的事物更为低级,于是我毫不犹豫地把不会被伤害的放在会被伤害的上面,而且我看见保持不变的事物是比不断变化的事物更好。我的心里充满苦涩的对我想象的创造抗议,这唯一的真理是我仅有的武器,我可以用它努力清除云集于我心智之眼前的所有不洁的意象。但是我难以把它们清除,我每一次眨眼,它们又在我眼前聚集,它们成群地在我眼前出现,挡住了我的视线,尽管我不会想象你人体的形状,但我无法让自己摆脱这样一种思想,即你是某种身体物质在空间的伸展,要么渗透在世界之中,要么在世界之外的空间无限扩散。我认为这一物质是某种不会衰亡或伤害或变化的东西,因此比可能遭受腐败、损坏或变化的任何物质要更好。我用这种方式来推理,因为如果我试图想象某种没有空间方位的东西,对我来说就什么也不是,绝对的没有、毫无保留,连虚空都算不上。如果一个身体从被它占据的空间中移走,那个空间就空空如也,不管是在地上、水中、空气中或是天空中,那里依然将保持空无的状态。那儿什么也没有,就仅仅是一个空间而已。
[……]
于是我也思想你,我生命的生命,作为一个向四处延伸的多维的伟大存在,在无限的空间扩散,渗透整个的大千世界,并到达了世界之外没有界线的地方,于是地球和天空以及所有创造物都被你充满,它们不能超出你的范围,而你却没有极限。空气是覆盖大地的大气层,是一个物质的身体,但是却挡不住太阳光。阳光穿过它并穿透它,却没有破坏它或撕裂它,而是完全地填充它。用同样的方式,我想象你能够穿透物质的身体,不仅仅是空气和天空及大海,也包括地球,你可以穿透它们的所有部分,包括最大的和最小的部分,故而它们因你的同在而被充满,你通过这种看不见的力量统管你创造的所有事物,从内部和外部进行统管。
这就是我坚持的理论,因为我不能用其它的方式想象你。但这是一个错误的理论。如果它是正确的,就意味着地球的大部分将包含着你的大部分,而更小的部分则占更小的比例。任何事物都会因你的存在而充满,但是,通过这一方式,大象的身体比麻雀可以容纳更多的你,因为大象比麻雀大,而且会占据更多的空间。于是,你就被世界分成各个不同部分,根据它的尺寸或大或小。这当然是很不正确的。但是那时你还没有在我的黑暗中给我光明。
3
虽然我声称并坚定地相信,主啊,我的上帝,真正的上帝,你不仅创造了我们的灵魂,也创造了我们的身体,甚至创造了所有事物,包括活的和无生命的事物,尽管我相信你是不会腐败、不会变异、也不会有任何程度的变化,我依然找不到对罪恶起源的明确的不繁复的解释。不管可能是什么原因,我找不到任何理论可以让我相信永恒不变的上帝是可变的。如果我相信这一点,我自己就会变成邪恶的成因,这正是我试图去寻找的事情。于是我继续从容地寻找,因为我很确信摩尼教的理论是错误的。我由衷地反驳这些人,因为我可以看见他们探寻罪恶的起源时,自己却满身罪恶,他们宁愿认为可能经受罪恶,也不愿意承认他们会犯罪。
我被告知我们犯罪是基于我们的自由意志选择这样做,并且承受罪恶是因为你的正义恰好要求我们这样做。我竭尽全力理解这一道理,但是我不能够清楚地理解。我试图在深渊中提高我被深渊吞没的精神感知,但是我再次重新陷入深渊。我不断地尝试,但总是重新陷进去。有一件事情让我能够进入你的光明。我知道我有一个意志,像我知道我有生命一样确信。当我选择做什么或不做什么时,我很确信是我自己,而不是其他什么人,实施了这一意志行为。因此,我即将认识到我的罪恶之源就在于此。如果我做任何违背意愿的事情,对我来说意味着发生某事,而不是我做了某事,我不把它看做错误,而是一个惩罚。并且,因为我认为你是公正的上帝,因此我承认你的惩罚也不是不公正的。
然而接着我会再次问我自己:“是谁造了我?当然是你,我的天父,你不仅是惟一的善,而且是善本身。那么,我怎样拥有一个可以选择做错事和拒绝做好事的意志,据此为我应该受到惩罚的原因提供一个合理的解释呢?是谁把这个意志给了我?当我的一切被上帝所创造,上帝本身就是甜美的,是谁为我播下痛苦的种子?如果是魔鬼做的,那么是谁创造了魔鬼?如果他曾经是一个好天使,由于他自己的邪恶意志变成了魔鬼,他是怎样拥有让他成为魔鬼的邪恶意志的,难道不是由至善的造物主把他创造为天使的吗?”
[……]
12
我很清楚,即便会衰亡的事物也是善的。如果有善的最高秩序,他们不可能变得腐败。但是二者都不可能变得腐败,除非他们在某些方式上是善的。如果他们是最高的善,他们就不可能被朽坏。另一方面,如果他们完全没有善,他们就只有被朽坏了。腐败是有害的,但是除非他的善消失了,不然他就不会有害处。他们的结论要么一定是朽坏没有害处——这不可能,要么是任何东西都因善被剥夺而朽坏——这是毫无疑问的。但是如果他们被剥夺了所有的善,他们就根本不会存在了。如果他们依然存在,但是不会永久被朽坏,他们就会比以前更好,因为他们现在继续在不可朽坏的状态中存在。如果说失去了所有的善,事物会更善,还有什么比这更荒谬呢?
于是我们必须得出如下结论:如果事物被剥夺了所有的善,他们将全体消失。并且这意味着只要他们存在,他们就是善。因此,无论是什么,都是善的。罪恶,我也试图发现它的起源,罪恶不是实体,因为如果是实体的话,就不会是善。要么是善的最高秩序的不可朽坏之实体,要么就是一个易朽坏的实体,这实体除非它是好的,否则就会朽坏。于是,对我来说,这就变得明朗了,你所创造的所有都是好的,没有实体不是你造的。因为你没有将他们造成一样,任何一个事物都是好的并且总体上都是好的,我们的上帝创造的所有被造物都是非常好的。
17
我很惊奇,尽管我现在爱你而不是你那里的某种幻影,但我没有坚持为上帝感到快乐。你的美善吸引我靠近你,但很快我自身的重量就把我从你身边拽走,我沮丧地再次坠入世俗的迷乱之中。我背负的是肉体的习性。但我仍然保留着对你的记忆,而且我无可置疑的认为你是我唯一的依靠,但只是我还做不到。肉身永远是灵魂的负累,世俗的牢笼压迫着沉浸在万事中的思想。我也确信人类从世界的基本层面看见了你不可见的本质、你永恒的力量、你的神性,这些都通过你的受造物而为人所知。我想知道我要怎样才能欣赏地球或天国的物质中的美,是什么让我能够对受到变化的事物做出正确的决定,并规定某物应该这样,另一个应该那样。我想知道它是怎样的,我才能以这种方式判断事物,并且我意识到在我的思想之上,在变化的世界之上,存在着从不改变的真正永恒的真理。于是,我的思想逐渐从考虑物质事物转移到了灵魂,灵魂通过身体的感觉来感知事物,接着转移到灵魂内在的力量,身体的感觉将永恒的真实传递给灵魂。愚笨的动物是不会去到这个超越层面的。下一步是理性的力量,由肉体感觉交流出来的事实交由理性来判断。
这种理性的力量使我认识到自身也是可能变化的,它引导我思考它理解的来源。它使我的思想退出其正常的过程,并从被加在上面的混乱的意象中退回,以致当它确定无疑地宣称永恒不变的事物比易变的事物更好时,通过理性可能发现是什么光照耀他的全身,并且如何逐渐认识到永恒不变本身。除非由于某种原因,它认识到了永恒不变,否则它不可能确定它喜欢永恒不变而不喜欢易变。因此,在敬畏的瞬间,我的思想达到了洞见上帝本体的程度。于是,最后我确实看见了凭万物可感知的你不可见的本质。但是我没有力量凝视他们。在软弱中,我后退并回到自己的老路上,除了那些我喜爱的和渴求的记忆之外,我什么也没有,就如同我闻到了美食的味道却尚未品尝一样。
18
我开始寻找获取足够力量的方式使我可以以你为乐,但是我找不到这一方式,直到我找到了上帝与人的中间人,耶稣基督,他是人,和人类一样,同时也作为上帝统治万物,受上帝永远的护佑,他向我发出召唤:“我就是道路、真理和生命”。是他与我们的肉体结合起来。这肉体是我们太软弱而无法获得的粮食,因为道成肉身,所以你的智慧是喂养婴儿期的我们的乳汁,我不够谦卑,没有将耶稣基督作为我的上帝,也没有领会到他取了软弱的人的样式所带来的是何等教训。这教训就是你的话语,永恒的真理,超越你创造物的最高层次,要把那些愿意降服于他的人高升。他下来用造我们的泥土为他自己在这世界上搭建了一座低矮贫贱的小屋,通过小屋他让那些服从他的人放下自己来到他身边。他会治愈他们充满骄傲的心,并在这心里培育爱,让他们不再因为自信满满而误入歧途,但是他们在他们的脚下看到上帝本人时, 那位以我们会死的肉身降卑来与享他的荣美的神,认识到他们自己的弱点。最后,他们在无力中匍匐在他的人性之前,然后随着神性的提升而提升。
第八卷
6
主啊,我的帮助者,我的救主,我现在要向你的圣名告知并忏悔,你是如何将我从紧紧束缚我的肉欲的禁锢和世俗事物的奴役中解放出来[……]
一天,由于某些原因,这些原因我记不起来了,内布利提乌斯没有和我们在一起,我和阿利比乌斯在我们的房子里接受一个来自非洲其他国家人的拜访,他叫蓬提齐亚努斯,在皇宫中担任要职。他向我们请教了一些事情,我们坐下谈了一会儿。碰巧他看见桌上放了一本游戏的书,就在我们的座位旁边。他拿起来,打开,并吃惊地发现书里面有使徒保罗的书信,他认为这是我当老师所用的一本书。于是他微笑地看着我,告诉我他很高兴,而且很惊奇看到这本书,当时在我眼前没有其他的人。他当然是一个基督徒,是你忠实的仆人,我们的上帝。在教堂中,他跪在你的面前,日复一日地祷告,并牢记它们。当我告诉他我花了很大的精力学习保罗的书信时,他开始告诉我安东尼 【1】 的故事,安东尼是埃及的修士,他的名字在你的仆人中享有盛誉,但在这之前,我和阿利比乌斯从来没有听过他的名字。蓬提齐亚努斯认识到这一点后,他更详细地给我们讲解,希望给我们这些无知的大脑注入一些知识,因他很诧异我们没有听说过这个人。而我们则惊异于听到你最近做出的神奇事情,几乎就在我们的时代,在大公教会中,被那么多人所见证。实际上,我们三个人都很吃惊,我和阿利比乌斯因所听到的故事太奇妙而惊讶,而蓬提齐亚努斯吃惊是因为我们以前居然没有听说过。
从这以后,他继续告诉我们修道院里成群的修士的故事,他们的生活方式散发着你的馨香,是荒漠中的绿洲。所有这些对我来说都是新闻。米兰也有一座修道院,在城墙外面,在安波罗修的带领下有很多的兄弟团契生活,但我们对这也是一无所知。蓬提齐亚努斯继续说着,我们默默地听着。最后他告诉我们,他和三个同伴在特里尔城的事情。有一天下午,皇帝在竞技场看表演,他们在城墙边的花园里散步。他们分成了两组,蓬提齐亚努斯和另一同伴一直一起,另外两个则自己分开了。他们继续散步,第二组来到一座房子前,房子是你的一些仆人的,他俩精神贫乏,但天国属于他们。在房子里面他们发现了一本关于安东尼的书。其中一人开始阅读,并且非常着迷,为故事所激动,甚至在他读完故事之前,他就开始考虑自己如何也能过上同样的生活,抛弃世间的职业,专心服侍你。他们都是朝廷的官员,在为国家服务。突然之间,他心里充满圣洁的爱。他对自己很愤怒并充满了悔恨,他看着他的朋友说:“我们希望通过努力得到什么?我们期待什么?我们服务国家的目的是什么?我们在希望在宫廷里有比做国王的朋友更好的事情吗?尽管是这样,我们的位置一定岌岌可危并且暴露在危险之下?我们将会每次都遇到,仅仅达到另一个更大的危险。我们需要多久才能到达?但是只要我愿意,我可以在这个关键时刻成为上帝的朋友。”
他说了这些之后,又回到书上,遭受到在他内心产生的新生命的痛苦煎熬。他继续阅读,在他心里,在那只有你可以看见的地方,正在发生变化。他的思想正在摆脱世俗,目前就可以看见。因为他在阅读时,他心潮澎湃,激动不已,最后哭了出来,因为他知道什么是正道并决定走正道。现在你的仆人对朋友说,“我已经同我的抱负决裂了,我决定侍奉上帝。从这一刻起,此时此地,我要开始服侍他。如果你不遵循我的引导,就别挡着我的路。”另一个人回答说,他会与同志站在一起,因为伺奉上帝是荣耀的,并且回报也是巨大的。于是这两位你现在的仆人,在付出的代价造塔,也就是说,他们以失去他们拥有的一切为代价来跟随你。
这时蓬提齐亚努斯和一直与他散步的同伴从花园的另一端走过来,他们来到房子跟前,看着他们的朋友。既然找到他们,他们说回家的时间到了,日光都开始消退了。但是另外两个人告诉他们自己已经做出的决定和计划做的事情。他们解释是什么原因促使他们决定走这样的路,他们是怎样达成一致的,并且他们要求朋友,如果不加入,至少不要成为他们的绊脚石。蓬提齐亚努斯说,他和另一个人不会改变他们原来的道路,但是他们为自己的生活状态而感动地流泪。他们祝贺他们并要求他们代为祷告。于是,他们回到宫殿,被系在大地上的心所重负,但是其他人留在小房子里,他们的心系天国。这两个人都已经订婚,但当那两个女人听到所发生的事情,她们也决定为你守独身。
7
这是蓬提齐亚努斯告诉我的。但是当他说的时候,主啊,你让我审视我自己。我已经把自己背过去,拒绝看到我自己。你让我正视自己,让我看见自己是多么肮脏,多么扭曲和卑鄙,怎样的遍体疮痍。我全部都看见了,站在那里,呆若木鸡,但是没有什么地方让我可以逃避自己。如果我试图把我目光移开,我会看着蓬提齐亚乌斯,他依然在讲述他的故事,这样一来你就让我再一次与自己面对面,迫使我与自己的目光相接,让我可以看见我的邪恶并厌恶它。我已经知道了自己的罪孽,但是我经常假装那是不一样的东西。 我视而不见,并忘记了它。
但是现在,当我听到那两个人是怎样做出选择,把自己完全托付给你,从而拯救他们时,我的心越是被他们所温暖,与他们进行比较,我就越恨我自己。我们的生命已经过去了很多年——十二年,除非是我记错了——从我十九岁那年读西塞罗的《荷尔顿西乌斯》起,它激发了我学习哲学的愿望。但是我依然迟迟不愿意放弃这个世界的快乐,这种放弃可以使我在这个世界自由地寻找其它幸福,这种寻找,不要说是发现,可以使我得到奖赏,它胜过人间的财宝和王国领土,胜过所有肉体的快乐, 只要一点头就可以得到。作为一个年轻人,在犯错时我感到痛苦,特别是在青春期开始之时。我为了贞洁而向你祷告:“请你赐予我贞洁和节制,但不是现在。”我很担心你会马上答应我的祷告,并立刻治愈我肉欲的疾病,这种欲望是我想被满足的,而不是想去压制的。我徘徊在摩尼教渎神迷信的邪恶之路上,不是因为我认为那是正确的,而是因为我信仰它胜过基督教,我没有认真考究基督教,而是抱着恶意直接反对。
[……]
蓬提齐亚努斯一直地说,我的良心就是这样被啮蚀。我被燃烧的羞耻所战胜,当他结束他的故事并完成他此行的任务之后,他走了,我陷入沉思当中。我提出各种控诉来反对我自己。我拷问我的灵魂并用理性痛斥它,为什么现在应该追随我自己,既然我要努力地追随你。但它进行了反击。我的灵魂不愿听从,但也不能提供任何理由。所有过去的辩解已经用尽,并证明是错误的。它沉默不语,像害怕失去生命一样害怕除掉恶习,但是正是这恶习要了它的命。
8
我内在的自我是一座被分开来反对它自己的房子。在我内心激烈交锋中,我激起对我灵魂的反对。我转向了阿利比乌斯。我的表情暴露了我内心的不安,我惊呼:“我们到底怎么了?这个故事有什么意义?这些人没有接受像我们这样的教育,但他们站起身来直捣天国的大门,而我们这些饱学之士却匍匐在这个世界的血肉之下!这是因为他们走着我们引以为耻的那条道路吗?如果不跟上,会更糟糕吗?”
[……]
我们住的房子有一个小花园。我们可以自由地使用这个花园以及其它房间,因为我们的东道主,也就是房主,不住在那里。我现在发现自己被我胸中的烦乱驱使,我不得不躲在花园里,在那里没有人会打断这激烈的挣扎,在那里我是自己的竞争者,直到我得出结论为止。结论是你知道的,主啊,但是我却不知道。与此同时,我疯狂地把自己放在一边,这疯狂将使我清醒。我将死亡,这死亡会把我带向新生。我知道我里头的罪,但是没有意识到自己很快就会变善。于是我走进花园,阿利比乌斯跟着我。他的出现没有打乱我的独处,在这种情况下他怎能让我一人独处?我们在离房子尽可能远的地方坐下。我暴怒得像发了狂似的,但我自己没有接受你的意愿进入你的圣约。在我的骨子里,我知道这是我应该做的。在我内心深处,我向天上赞美。为达到这一目标,我不需要战马或战船。我甚至不需要从房子走到我们坐的地方那么远,因为要走过这一段旅程,并平安到达,没有什么比意愿的行动更为需要了。但是这必须是一个坚决又全心投入的意愿的行动,而不是那些不断地盘旋在我脑中的站不住脚的愿望,以致它必须与其自身角力,一部分努力向上,一部分坠落大地。
[……]
11
这是我疾病的本质。我处于被折磨中,比过去更强烈地谴责自己,因为我被自己的锁链所捆绑。我希望锁链可以一次性全部打烂,因为现在对我来说,这只是一件捆着我的小事情。它一直捆着我。主啊,你从来没有停止关注我的内心。在你严厉的仁慈中,你用害怕和羞耻之鞭抽打我,以免我再次放弃使得破旧的残留锁链不被打破,而是重新获得力量,并更加快速地遮蔽我的眼睛。在心里我不停地说:“现在随它去吧,现在随它去吧!”仅仅说了这些,我就快要做出决定了。我即将做决定,但是我没有做成。尽管我没有退回到自己原来的状态。我站在决定的边缘,等着呼吸新鲜空气。我又试了一次,更接近我的目标了,那时依然又一点点地近了,以至于我几乎可以伸手抓住它。但我还是没有达到。我不能伸手触及它或抓住它,因为我从自己应该死亡并获得新生的台阶上退了下来。我低级的本能牢牢地抓住了我,比高级的本能更强了,那高级的本能却是我没有尝试过的。我越接近我要转变的时刻,我就越害怕地退缩了。但是这没有把我拉回去,也没有扭转我的目标:仅仅让我进退两难。
[……]
12
我探索自己隐藏的灵魂深度,并从中揪出可鄙的秘密,当我在心中把它们聚集在一起时,我的心里发生了强大的风暴,我的眼泪奔涌而出。我站起来,离开阿利比乌斯,好让我可以流泪并为我心灵的污秽而哭泣,对我而言眼泪更适合在独处中流淌。我走得很远以避免尴尬,甚至他在的时候也不例外。他一定察觉到我的感情,因为我已经说了一些,他已经从我的哽咽的声音中知道了。于是我站起来,让他充满困惑地坐在那儿。不知怎么的,我扑到在一棵无花果树下,任凭我的泪水流淌,这是你应当接受的献祭。我的上帝啊,我有太多的话要对你说,我说了很多话,虽不是这些原话,但是这些意思:“主啊,你永远不会满意吗?我要一直接受你的惩罚吗?请忘记我长久以来的罪恶吧。”我仍然觉得自己被罪恶所捆绑。我继续在痛苦中哭求:“我不断地说‘明天,明天’,还要说多久?为什么不是现在?为什么不在现在就结束我丑陋的罪恶?”
我不断问自己这些问题,哭泣着,心中悲痛万分,这时我听见附近的房子里传来一个小孩子唱歌的声音。我说不清是男孩还是女孩的声音,但是它一遍一遍重复着:“拿起来读,拿起来读”。我抬起头,仔细地想这是不是孩子们在游戏时常常念诵的歌谣,可是我记不起这样的歌谣。我止住了涌流的泪,站起身来,告诉自己这只可能是神圣的命令,要我打开《圣经》,去读那随之映入我眼帘的第一段经文。我听过安东尼的故事,我记得他是怎样偶然去教会听到福音,并把它作为对自己的劝诫:“去变卖你的所有,分给穷人;你要积攒财富于天上,然后还要来跟随我”。经过这一神圣的宣召,他马上皈依了你。
于是我快速返回阿利比乌斯坐的地方,因为我离开时把使徒保罗的书信留在那里了。我抓起那本书,打开它,默默地阅读那映入眼帘的第一段:“不可荒宴醉酒,不可放荡纵欲,不可纷争嫉妒。总要披戴主耶稣基督,不要为肉体安排,去放纵私欲”。我不想再读下去,也不需要再读下去了。在那一瞬间,当我读完这句话时,好像一束信赖的光涌进我的内心,所有怀疑的黑暗被驱散了。
我用手指或其他的什么东西在书上做了标记,合上了书。当我告诉阿利比乌斯所发生的事情时,我的表情很平静。他也告诉我他的感受,当然那是我不知道的。他想看我所阅读的东西。我拿给他看,他接着读下去,我不知道接下来是什么,原来是:“你们要接纳信心软弱的人。”阿利比乌斯把这句话用在他身上,并这样告诉我。这条忠告足以给他力量,没有经过任何犹豫的痛苦,他就下定决心并以此作为自己的目标。这很适合他的道德品质,在这方面他比我强很多。
然后我进去告诉我的母亲,她简直是喜出望外。当我们讲述事情的经过时,她胜利地欢呼并赞美你,你满有大能,你的大能足以使你所行的超出所有我们所求所想的。因为她看见你应允她的远远超过了她曾经泪眼汪汪地祷告和悲伤哀求的。你使我皈依你自己,我不再渴求妻子或把任何希望放在这个世界上,而是牢牢地把握信仰的原则,那些原则你已经在多年以前在梦中向她展现了。是你把她的悲伤变成了欢乐,是比她曾经最想要的欢乐更多的欢乐,也是比她曾经想在我的孩子中找到的更甜美、更纯洁的欢乐。
注释
【1】 安东尼,公元250年—约356年,出生于埃及,长期在沙漠中修行,对后代的修道主义影响深远。
第九卷
2
知道你在注视着我,我想自己最好从兜售口舌的市场上平静地退下来,而不是突然间轰动地离开。那些对你的律法与安宁没有思考的年轻人,他们在法庭上仅仅是撒谎和疯狂地争辩,我打算不让他们在我的口中买到任何武器以装备他们的疯狂。幸运的是,快到暑假了,我决定忍耐并推迟到一个合适的时候离开。既然我已经被你救赎,我就不想再次出卖自己。这个计划是你知道的,而除了我最亲密的朋友之外没有人知道。我们相互约定不让太多的人知道,虽然当我们自“流泪谷”上升时,唱着高升的歌,你已经给了我们锋利的箭和燃烧的火炭来抵御狡诈的舌头,这舌头可能在给予忠告的名义下,用他们所谓的爱将我们吞下去,像人们吃自己喜爱的食物一样。
[……]
6
当提交我的名字去受洗的时间到来时,我们离开乡下回到米兰。阿利比乌斯也在那时决定在你里面获得新生。他已经具备举行圣礼所需的谦卑,他的身体已经经过严格的纪律的考验,他甚至会赤脚行走在意大利冰冻的土地上,这事很少有人敢做的。我们也带上了阿德奥达多斯,我的罪所生的亲生儿子。你给了他所有的天赋。尽管他才十五岁,很多有学问和受人尊敬的人在智力上都不及他。我承认他的天赋是源于你,主啊,我的上帝,你是万物的创造者,你拥有巨大的力量来重塑我们的缺陷,我自己除了罪之外什么也没有给予他。是你,而不是别人,让我们按照你的期望把他培养长大。这都是你馈赠,我都一一承认。
[……]
我们使他成为我们的同伴,在你的恩典之下没有人比我们自己更年轻。我们已经准备好以你的方式开始学校教育。我们都受洗了,昔日所有的忧虑都一扫而光。这些日子太短了,我沉迷在惊奇和快乐之中,默想着你拯救人类的远大计划。当我听到赞美诗和颂歌的时候,我不禁潸然泪下,来自你教堂的甜美歌声深深地打动了我。音乐在我耳边回荡,真理在我心中涌出,我献身的情感激烈涌动着,我泪如泉涌。但是这都是欢喜的眼泪。
8
哦,上帝啊,你让心意相同的人生活在一起,并把一个来自我家乡名叫艾弗第乌斯的年轻人带来加入我们。他在我们之前皈依我主和受洗,并受雇为政府官员,但是他放弃了为政府服务而追随你。他留下与我们一起,我们打算一起过敬虔的生活。我们讨论着在哪里最能伺奉你,接着便一起动身返回非洲。当我们还在梯伯河口的奥斯蒂亚城 【1】 的时候,我母亲就去世了。
还有很多的事情我不能在这本书中记下来,因为我要节省时间。我的上帝啊,对于那些我还没有提到的事情,我祈求你接受我的忏悔和感激。但是我不会遗漏一件关于我母亲——你的仆人——的事情。在肉身上,她让我来到这个世界上:在她心里,她让我出生在你永恒的光中。我应该述说的不是她的能力,而是你给她的天赋。她既不是她自己的创造者也不是自己的老师。是你创造了她,即使是她的父母也不知道自己的孩子长大是什么样的。是基督的教导,是你独生儿子的指引,在一个基督教家庭中,她在成长中一直顺从并尊重你,这个家庭是你众多好的基督教家庭之一,属于你的教会[……]
10
在她去世前不久——你早就知道那一天的,主啊,但我们不知道——我和母亲两个人逗留在奥斯蒂亚城,透过一个窗户可以看见院子里的花园。我们经过长途跋涉之后呆在那里,那地方远离尘嚣,我们在做远航之前的休整。我相信我要说的是你预先所做的秘密工作。我们在一起单独谈话,我们的交谈宁静而快乐。我们忘记过去,努力把握未来。在你的真理面前,真理就是你自己,我们在思考圣徒的永生是什么样子,这种生命是眼睛未曾见过,耳朵未曾听过,人心也未曾想过的。但是当我们张开心灵之口,接受从你天上的生命之源流出的泉水,只要是我们的力量所及,我们就会洒上圣水,并在一定程度上理解这一伟大的奥秘。
我们的谈话让我们得出结论,任何的肉体快乐,不论是多么伟大的快乐,不论世俗之光向它照射怎样的华彩,除了圣徒喜乐的生活之外,没有什么能够与之相媲美,甚至根本不值得一提。当爱的火焰在我们体内燃烧得越旺,提升我们使我们越来越接近永恒的上帝时,我们的思想会从在不同程度上徘徊在物质事物的范围,到达天国,太阳和月亮及星宿从天国照耀着大地。当我攀登地越高,就越惊奇地思想和诉说你所创造的一切。最终我们回到自己的心灵,然后又超越它们回到那个有永恒富足的地方,在那里你让以色列人食用你真理的粮食。在那里生命是智慧,所有我们知道的事物都是藉着他造的,包括已经形成的事物,也包括尚未形成的事物。但是那智慧不是被造的:它一直是那样的,而且永远是那样——或者,我不如说“一直是”和“将是”,可简单地说“它是”,因为永恒不是在过去也不是在将来。当我们谈论永恒的智慧时,我们用心中所有的力量来渴求它并极力追求它,霎那间我们达到并触摸到它。然后在叹息中,带着我们灵里的收获,返回到自己说话的声音中,这声音里的每一个词是有开头有结尾的——这与你的话语相当的不同,我们的主啊,你持守自己到永远,不会衰老,并给所有事物以新生。
[……]
这是我们谈话的大意,尽管我们没有用这么精确的语言来说,也没有像对你说的这样准确。但是你知道,主啊,那天我们说话时,世界上所有的快乐与我们所谈论的相比显得没有任何价值。我母亲说:“儿子,对我来说在这个世界上我已经找不到任何更快乐的事情了。我仍可以做什么,或是我为什么在这个世界上,我都不知道,我在这世上已经没有其它的盼望了。我为什么希望在这个世界上活得长一点,只有一个原因,并且是唯一的原因,就是看见你在我死之前成为一个基督宗教徒。上帝应允了我的愿望,他的应许比这更多,因我现在看见你成为他的仆人,并轻视这世界所给你的幸福。我在这世界还有其它的祈求吗?”
11
我简直记不起我是怎样回答她的。从那天起大约过了五天,或是五天不到,母亲就发烧卧病在床了。一天,她在病中昏厥过去,并在短时间内失去了知觉。我们急忙赶到她身边,但是她很快就恢复了知觉,看着站在她身边的我和弟弟。她满脸疑惑的问:“我在哪里?”她近距离看着我们,满脸悲伤,沉默不语,她说:“你们要把母亲埋在这儿”。我什么也没有说,极力克制着眼泪,但是我弟弟说了一些话,大意是他希望母亲为了她的缘故死在自己的国家,而不是异国他乡。当她听到这些时,她面带忧色地看着弟弟,眼神中充满了对他这些世俗思想的责备。她转过来对我说:“听听他在说些什么!”然后她对我们俩说:“你们在什么地方埋葬你的母亲都没有关系。不要因为这事而让你们担忧!我所期望你们的是,不论在哪里,你应该在上帝的祭坛上想起我。”
[……]
母亲生病大约九天后,她五十六岁,我三十六岁时,她虔诚、全然献上的灵魂离开了肉体。
13
我的灵魂现在已经从那伤痛中康复了,也许我对这尘世的情感深感愧疚,我的眼中流出了另一种眼泪。主啊,那是我为你的使女所流的眼泪。那眼泪是从一颗惶恐的灵魂中流出的,这灵魂一想到每个与亚当同死的灵魂都要面对的种种危险就极度不安。尽管甚至在她的灵魂离开肉体之前,她已经活在基督的里面,而且她的信仰和美好生活与你圣名的荣耀共鸣,但是,我不敢断言母亲从受洗得到新生的那时起,从她口中没有说过一句与你诫命有抵触的话。你的儿子,就是真理本身,曾经说过:“凡是向弟兄发怒的,愚蠢的人,就必要遭受地狱之火的煎熬”,即使是值得颂赞的一生,如果抛开你的怜悯,当你审视他的时候,这也是有过失的。但是你不会无情地搜寻我们的缺点,因为我们希望并相信有一天我们会在你的身边找到一席之地。然而如果某人把他的功绩加以罗列,这功绩除了你的恩典之外还会有什么呢?但愿人能够明白他们只不过是人!他们所要夸耀的只是主!
为此,我的荣耀和我的生命,我心中的上帝,我要暂时抛开我母亲所做的所有善事。为那些,我感谢你,但是现在我为她的罪祷告。请你通过你那被钉十字架又坐在你的右边并为我们祈求的圣子来聆听,他是我们伤口的真正良药。我知道我的母亲总是表现出怜悯,并全心宽恕他人对她的冒犯。主啊,如果她在受洗之后这么长的时间里对你有所冒犯,请你宽恕她。我恳求你原谅她;不要追究她的责任。让你的仁慈隆重地欢迎你的判断吧。因你的话语是真实的,而且你已经答应怜悯那些值得怜悯的人。如果他们是值得怜悯的,这是你的馈赠。你要怜悯谁,就怜悯谁;你要恩待谁,就恩待谁。
[……]
让她与丈夫在一起安息。他是她的第一位丈夫,而且母亲没有再嫁。她服侍丈夫,把辛勤劳动得来的果实献给你,最后她为你赢得了他。主啊,我的上帝,启发你的仆人,我的弟兄——他们都是你的孩子。我的主人,我用心和声音以及笔来服你——启发这些读你书的人来纪念莫妮卡,你的仆人,在你的祭坛上和巴特利西乌斯,早于她而去的丈夫。尽管我不知道,但是通过他们你把我带进了这种生活。让读者虔诚地纪念他们,他们不仅是我的父母,而且是我的弟兄和姐妹,在教会我们大公教的母亲那里,我们同属于你,我们的天父,我们将是永恒耶路撒冷的居民,他们在向这圣城的朝圣途中一路叹息,从他们的启程直到他们回到你身边为止,比起我一个人,如果更多的人通过阅读我的《忏悔录》来祈祷的话,我母亲对我最后的遗愿能够得到更大的满足。
注释
【1】 梯伯河又称台伯河,位于意大利境内,奥斯蒂亚城位于梯伯河畔,是古罗马时期的著名商业和交通中心。
第十卷
2
哦,主啊,人类良知的最深处在你眼前是赤露敞开的。就算我不向你忏悔,我有什么能逃得过你的双眼呢?我只能遮蔽自己眼睛不看你,而不能在你面前隐藏自己。但是,我现在的痛苦证明我对自己是多么不满意,你是我的光和我的喜乐。你是我的爱和渴求,我以自己为耻并把自己抛在一旁,只是追随你,而且只有在你里面,才能让你和我都满意。
因此主啊,我的所有在你面前是赤露敞开的。我宣称向你忏悔使我获益良多。我不是仅仅用舌头的语言和声音来忏悔,而是用我灵魂的声音和我的思想大声向你哭泣来忏悔。你的耳朵能够听到,当我充满罪恶时,如果我对自己不满,这忏悔就是对你忏悔;当我做了善事时,如果我不认为是自己的美德,这也是对你的忏悔。主啊,你赐福正义之人,但是你首先使罪人成为义人。所以我的忏悔是在你——我的上帝——的注视下默默地进行,同时又是大声的忏悔,因为即使我的口舌完全无声,我的心也在向你哭泣。我向人诉说的一切美言,你已经提前在我心里听见了,而且不论你在我心里听见的美言是什么,都是你早先对我说过的。
4
人们在听我说的过程中希望得到什么益处呢?当他们听到借着你的恩典我与你这么地接近,他们会愿意与我一起感谢你吗?当他们听见我因自己的罪的重负而与你相隔绝时,他们会为我向你祷告吗?如果这是他们的心愿,我要告诉他们我是谁。主啊,我的上帝,如果很多人因为我向你表示感谢,很多人都因我而向你祷告,我就得不到什么好处。让那些我的真正的弟兄,按照你所教导的,爱我身上值得爱的品质,并让他们悲伤地在我身上发现那些按照你的教导而要责备的部分。这就是我希望自己真正的弟兄心里的感受。我不会对陌生人说话,也不会对“陌生的仇敌”说话,“他们做背信弃义的誓言,并举手发假誓。”我真正的弟兄是这样一些人,他们发现我的善就在心里高兴,而发现我的罪时就感到悲伤。他们是我真正的弟兄,因为不论他们看到的是我的善还是罪,他们都依然爱我。向这样的人我才会敞露自己。让他们发现我身上的善而感到欣慰,发现罪时感到难过。那善是我在你里面藉着你的恩典做的,而罪恶则是我自己的错误。这是你对我的惩罚。让我的弟兄为其中一个感到欣慰,为另一个感到难过。让感恩的旋律和悲伤的哭泣一起从他们的心中涌起,好像他们是在你面前燃烧的祭物的器皿。我向你祈求:“主啊,悦纳他们在你圣殿前献上的馨香,为了你名的缘故,请依照你丰盛的慈爱来怜爱我们。请不要放弃你已经开始的工作,而要让依然不完美的我变得完美”。
于是,如果我继续忏悔,我忏悔的不是我的过去,而是现在,这就是忏悔带来的善果。我向你忏悔时内心很快乐,但是也有忧惧。有悲伤,却也有希望。但是我不仅仅向你忏悔,而且也为向那些相信你的人忏悔,他们分享我的快乐并和我一样,命定是要死亡。在你的王国中,他们是我的同路人,并陪伴我同走天路,不论他们是先行,或是将要走,或是与我一起走过生命之路。他们是你的仆人,也是我的弟兄。你拣选他们做你的儿子。你把他们叫做主人,如果我希望与你同活并享受你的恩典,我就必须服侍他们。这是你的吩咐,而如果这是仅仅言语,而没有基督的榜样作为行动的示范,那么这种命令对我来说就没有什么意义。我在话语和行为上都遵从你的吩咐。我在你的翅膀的庇护下如此行,如果不是把灵魂交给你,寻求你翅膀的庇护,让你知道是我的弱点,我就会处于危险之中。我不过是一个孩子,但是我的天父永远活着,我有一个足够强大的保护者来拯救我。那生养我、看顾我的是同一位,对我来说,除了你,全能的神,以外没有良善,你与我同在且甚至在我皈依你以前就与我同在了。于是我要按照你吩咐的去做,向我所侍奉的展示自己,不是曾经的自己,而是现在和将来的自己。但是,因为我不会检查我自己的行为,让我的言语按照它们的本意被理解。
30
你命令我我要继续让自己远离肉体的情欲,眼目的情欲和今生的骄傲。你命令我不要犯淫乱,虽然你并不禁止我结婚,但你建议我走一条更好的路。你给我恩典,我听从你的吩咐,甚至在圣礼之前我就开始禁欲。但是在我的记忆中,我说了很多,仍然还保留着以前习惯的印象。当我清醒时,这些习性对我有一些影响。但是当我进入睡梦中,它们不仅给我快乐,而且好像在行动上默认了。这种虚幻的想象强烈作用于我的灵魂和肉体,在睡梦中这幻想能够影响我,但是在现实中却不能。哦,主啊,我的上帝,我在睡觉时难道就不是我自己了吗?但是在我经历从醒到睡眠,或是从睡眠到醒时,我的情况是如此的不同。在睡眠中,我那可以抵制这种诱惑并保持坚定不动摇的理性哪里去了?在我闭上眼睛时被封闭起来了吗?它与身体的感觉一同入了睡吗?为什么我在梦中经常抵抗幻想的诱惑,因为我仍记得自己守贞洁的决定,并也遵守了,没有被这种东西诱惑?醒着与睡眠的差别如此之大,我睡觉时事情会以其它方式发生,当我醒着意识到的时候,我返回到清晰的心智状态,因为这种不同,我就不用为此行为负责,尽管我对一些方式或是一些其它发生在我身上的事情感到遗憾。
哦,全能的上帝,你大能的双手有足够大的力量来治愈我灵魂的所有疾病。你给我更多的恩典就可以熄灭睡眠中挑逗我的火焰。哦,主啊,你会增加我的恩赐,让我的灵魂可以跟随我来到你身边,从被捆绑的阴谋中释放,并反对这种阴谋。通过你的恩典,我在睡梦中再也不会做出可耻的、不洁的行为,这行为被肉体的想象挑起,并导致身体被玷污。我不会再做,更不要说赞同它们。对你来说,全能的主:“你有足够的力量来展开你的计划,这超越了我们所有的希望和梦想”,让我不再受这种诱惑,哪怕是意念上的微小试探,这些会激起我感官欢娱的试探,为我抵挡吧,让我在梦中也保持纯洁的心灵,这对你来说不是什么困难的事情。这是你可以在人生的任何时候为我做的,甚至在人生的黄金期。但是现在我对我良善的上帝做此忏悔,坦言我仍旧被这种罪恶所搅扰。我心中带着敬畏,因你的赐予而喜乐,但是我为自己的匮乏而悲伤,相信你会在我身上完善你的怜悯,直到我获得完全的安宁,那就是当死亡被吞没在凯旋之中时,我要全身心地与你共享的安宁。
35
我必须说出另一种诱惑,这种诱惑更加危险,因为它更加复杂。除了我们肉体的胃口,使我们渴望满足自己的感官和快乐,并引导我们走向毁灭,如果我们远离你而成为它们的奴隶,思想也会受到特定的倾向去使用肉体的感觉,不是为了某种身体的自我放纵,而是满足自己的好奇心。这种无用的好奇的伪装以科学和学习为名,因为它源于我们对知识的渴求,眼看是获得知识的主要方式,在圣经里这被称为:“眼目的情欲”。尽管,准确地说,看是眼睛的适当功能,我们用其他感觉的词,我们使用它们来获得知识。我们不会说:“听听这是多么闪光”,“闻闻这是多么的亮”,“尝一下这是怎么发光的”或是“摸摸这是怎么发光的”,我们说这些事物是因为我们看见。我们不仅会说“看看这是怎样发光的”,当某物只可以被我们的眼睛感知时,我们也会说“看看它有多响”,“看看闻起来怎么样”,“看看味道怎么样”,“看看坚硬程度如何”。于是,我说,通常的感官体验被叫做眼目的情欲,原因是,虽然视觉的功能主要属于眼睛,当用于发现知识时,我们也一样使用其它的感觉器官,可以类推。
我们可以很容易地区别享乐的动机和好奇的动机。当感觉需要快乐时,他们就寻找视觉上美丽的事物,和谐声音,芬芳的香味,以及尝起来美味、摸起来柔软的东西。但是,当他们的动机是好奇时,他们会寻找相反的事物仅仅是为了证明,不是为了一种不快的体验,而是为了体验了解和发现的滋味。在看到一具破碎的尸体时,除了恐惧之外,还有什么愉悦感呢?然而人们会趋之若鹜地看那躺在地上的尸体,仅仅是为了体验所带给他们的悲伤和恐惧的感觉。他们甚至害怕那会给他们带来噩梦,好像当他们清醒时有某种东西迫使他们去看,又或像是有什么东西像美丽的谣言一样吸引他们。对于其它的感觉也是一样,虽然再举例显得有点单调。在戏院里面怪异和奇特的表演满足人们不健康的好奇心,出于同样的原因,人们被引向探寻自然的秘密,这秘密与我们的生活没有关系。这种知识对他们没有价值,并且他们期望得到的仅仅是为了求知。这也是很奇怪的,这使得人们求助巫术,并出于为了让一些人走上邪路的目的而努力获取知识。这种情况甚至闯进了我们的信仰里面来,当我们要求从上帝那里看神迹奇事时,我们便把上帝放在了试探中,我们这么做不是为了想要得到拯救,而单单是喜欢一种体验。
[……]
我的人生充满了这种错误,我唯一的希望就是在你无垠的慈爱中。当我们的心变成储藏室,堆满这种没有价值的货物时,我的祈祷就因此经常被打断和分散。即使在你出现的时候,我们内心的声音也传到了你的耳朵,各种各样的琐碎思想闯进来,并打断祷告的伟大行动。
41
现在我开始思考自己的罪带来的可悲状态,根据诱惑的三种不同情况,我祈求你伸出援助之手拯救我。在我受伤的内心,我看见你了的光辉,这使我眩目。我问:谁可以接近这个荣耀?你的照管将我排除在外。你是掌管万物的真理。但是在我自私的渴望中,我不愿意失去你。与你在一起时,我想撒一个谎言,就像当错误遮蔽一个人的双眼,使他看不到真理时,他不会承认自己明显的错误。这样一来,我失去了你,因为你不会与谎言同在。
42
谁可以让我重归于你?我应该向天使求助吗?但是如果我寻求到了帮助,我应该祷告什么呢?我该使用什么样的圣礼呢?我听说很多人没有力量通过自己回到你那里,就通过这种方式来试一下,但是他们都以渴望奇怪幻象而告终,他们唯一的收获只是妄想。他们试图在所有自负和傲慢的知识中找到你。当他们应该悲痛捶胸顿足时,内心却被骄傲所充满。因为他们在心中聚集一起,他们吸引堕落天使,低空中的王子,他们与骄傲为友并与之联合。但是这种联合捉弄了他们,使用魔幻的技巧,我们所找的是可以洗净他们的罪恶的中保,实际上不是中保,而是化做光明天使的魔鬼。这魔鬼不是血肉的生物,而是对骄傲肉体的强有力的诱惑。他们都是终将要死亡的人和罪人,而你,主啊,你是不朽的和无罪的,他们想与你和解。但是在上帝与人之间的中保必须在某种程度上与神一样,又与人一样。如果在这二者之间,他像人,那么他就会离神太远;如果在二者之间像神,又会离人太远。这两种情况他都无法成为中保。但是因为你隐藏了正义的宣告,你给了魔鬼一个特权来嘲弄那些骄傲的人,他装做一个中保。一方面这个中保像人,他是有罪的。另一方面,他假装像上帝,因为他没有穿着会朽坏的血肉外衣,他试图把自己作为不朽的代表。但是因为罪的工价就是死,他与人一样出于这个原因而会被宣判死亡。
43
但是有一个真正的中保,在你隐秘的怜悯中,你已经把他展现给了人们。你派遣他,让人们通过他的榜样可以学习谦卑。他是神与人的中保,耶稣基督,他是一个人,他出现在人间,在有罪和必死的人与不朽和公义的上帝之间。他像人,所以会死;他像神,所以公义。因为他正义的回报是生命与和平,他的到来是通过他与上帝结合的公义,通过选择去分享他的死亡,使那些被他称义的罪人免于死亡。他被预示给古代的圣人们,让他们可以通过相信他即将来受难而得救。正如同我们因相信他在多年之前为我们受死而得救一样。因为作为人,他是我们的中保,但是作为上帝的圣言,他就不是上帝与人之间的中保,因为他与上帝平等,并与上帝同为上帝,与他一起同为一个上帝。
[……]
我的罪恶和被死亡加重的痛苦让我恐惧,我反复思考自己的问题,并几乎决定要去沙漠中寻求庇护。但是你阻止我这样做,并给我力量说:“他替众人死了,为的是要使活着的人不再为自己活着,却为那替他们死而复活的主而活。”。主啊,我把我所有的烦恼都抛给你,从现在开始我要默想你律法的奥妙。你知道我是多么软弱,我的知识是多么匮乏,教导我并医治我的软弱吧。你的独生子拥有一切知识和智慧,用他的血拯救了我。把我从仇敌的嘲笑中解救出来,我知道救赎的代价。我吃他的肉,饮他的血,并与其他人分享。因为贫乏,我渴望充饥,成为吃饱喝足的人。谁追寻主,谁就会赞美主。
第十一卷
3
让我聆听并理解这些话:起初,你创造了天地。摩西 【1】 写下这些话。他写下以后就到你那儿去了,留下了这个你对他说话的世界。他从此不在这儿了,我不能与他面对面。但是如果他在这儿,我会缠住他,并以你的名义,我会苦苦地求他为我解释这些话。我会竖起耳朵全神贯注地聆听从他嘴唇发生的所有声音。如果他用希伯来语说,他的话只会穿耳而过,我的大脑里什么也不会留下。如果他说拉丁语,我会知道他说什么。但是,我怎样才能知道他说的是真的呢?如果我也知道,那么我就不用通过他而得到这些知识了。然而在我思想的最深处,真理既不是希伯来文,也不是希腊文、拉丁文或任何外国语言,它仍然会向我说话,虽然不是通过嘴唇和舌头形成的音节来向我说话。它可能会是低语:“他说的是真理”。但是我马上就会确定。我会自信地对你的这个仆人说,“你告诉我的是真理”。
于是,我不再质问摩西,因为你所赐他的话是真的,因为你用你自己的真理充满他。我祈求你,我的上帝,宽恕我的罪,并像赐予你的仆人摩西以恩典说那样的话,来赐予我恩典以理解这些话。
9
他是起初的,上帝啊,在那时你创造了天地。通过这种奇妙的方式,你说话,并在你的话语里、你的儿子——你的力量、你的智慧、你的真理创造了他们。
谁可以理解这个奥秘或是把它解释给其他人呢?这是什么光?这柔和的光不时敲击着我的内心,促使我在敬畏中颤抖,然而也因它们的温暖燃烧我。我颤抖着感觉到我与它的不同:然而迄今为止我却与它相像,我因为他的火光而发亮。这是智慧之光,是智慧本身,时常地照耀着我,驱散笼罩我的阴云。但是当我软弱地远离这光时,这些云就重新在浓密黑暗的笼罩下包裹了我,这是我要承受的惩罚。我的力量因为痛苦而损耗,以至于我不能持续被祝福。因此我将会活着,直到你宽恕了我的罪,并治愈我所有致命的疾病。你会把我从死亡的危险中解救出来,戴上你怜悯祝福的冠冕,满足我美好的愿望,像保存雄鹰的羽毛那样来保留我的青春。我们的拯救建立在某些东西的希望之上,在忍耐中我们等待你应许的实现。让这些能够听你话的人说出心声。我们相信你启示的话语,我要大声地说:“主啊,你创造的是多么五彩缤纷!你创造他们的智慧是多么奇妙!”你创造天地时开始的是智慧,智慧也是开始。
13
一个思想变化无常的人,其思想总会因过去时间的观念迷失,他可能会好奇:你,全能的上帝,万物的创造者和掌管者,天地的造物主,为什么会在你伟大创造工程最后完工之前,空闲着并让无数的时光流逝。我对这些人的忠告是摇醒他们的迷梦并仔细思考,因为他们的惊奇是基于错误的观念。
你是创造者,是所有时间的源头,在你创造时间以前怎么会有无数的时间流逝掉呢?一直存在着的时间不是你创造的吗?如果过去的时间不存在,又怎么能消失呢?
你是所有时间的创造者。如果,在你创造天地之前没有时间,那么怎么能说你在虚度光阴呢?你一定是创造了那个时间,因为时间在被你创造之前,是不会流逝的。
[……]
14
因此正确地说,如果你没有创造什么,就没有时间,因为时间是你所创造的。并且时间不会与你一起永存,因为你永恒不变。否则,如果时间永恒不变,就不是时间了。
[……]
19
你,所有造物的统治者,是用什么方式向人们的心灵揭示未来呢?你曾经向属你的先知们揭示。这未来对我们来说是不存在的,那么现在你是怎样把未来揭示给我们的呢?还是你启示的只是未来事物在目前的征兆?把不存在的事物启示给我们这是完全不可能的。你做这事的方法超出了我们的理解。我没有力量来理解这个奥秘,通过我自己的力量绝不可能。但是在你的力量中,我可以理解,当你给与我恩典来看时,你是我灵魂之眼的甜美之光。
[……]
25
我向你忏悔,主啊,我依然不明白时间到底是什么。而且我忏悔自己不知道在时间中说的是什么,我已经谈论时间有好长时间了,如果实际上时间不是一直在流逝的话,那么这么长的时间就不算长的时间。如果我不知道时间的话,我怎样知道这一点的呢?是我确定知道时间是什么,只是不知道如何用言语来表达我所知道的吗?我处在一种难过的状态中,因为我甚至不知道我到底不知道什么!
[……]
31
哦,主啊,我的上帝,你的神秘是何等的深奥!我的罪恶使得自己被远远地抛开在你安全的天国之外!医治我的双眼并让我在你的光中欢呼雀跃。如果有一颗心灵被赋予这种强大的力量,知道并可以预知所有的过去和将来,就像我熟悉许多赞美诗一样,这颗心灵将会令人惊奇地超越信仰。我们要对此保持敬畏,过去的岁月和将来的时间都瞒不过这颗心灵。这就像我唱赞美诗,我知道自己已经唱了多少,还有多少没有唱,我离开头已经多远了,离结束还有多久。但是,这是不可思议的,宇宙的创造者,灵魂与肉体的创造者,仅仅以这种方式就知道所有的过去和未来。你的知识远远比这更奇妙、更神秘。不像人的知识,只唱一些他熟悉的赞美诗,或是听其他人唱一些他熟悉的赞美诗。当他这样做时,他的情感发生了变化,他的感觉被划分:因为他要一边想未唱的歌词,又要一边还记着他所唱过的。对于你来说绝不是这样,你是永恒的不变,真正永恒的思想创造者。从一开始,你就知道天地,在你的知识中天地没有变化。以同样的方式,在起初你创造了天地,在你的行动中也没有改变。一些人明白这个道理,另些人却不明白:让他们所有的人都赞美你吧!你超越于万物之上,但你又住在谦卑人的心中。因你安慰劳苦重担之人,抬眼仰望你高台的人不会跌倒。
注释
【1】 公元前13世纪的犹太人先知,《圣经》旧约前五卷书的作者。
第十二卷
2
我的唇舌向在最高处的你庄严谦卑地忏悔,是你创造了天地,我所看见的天和我脚所踏的地,这塑造了我们身体的大地。是你,创造了这一切。主啊,但是哪里是天外之天?诗篇中说:“天外之天属于上帝,他将大地赐予人的子孙?”我们看不见的天国在哪里?与之相比我们所看见的只是大地,可天国在哪里呢?
[……]
3
毫无疑问,为什么我们说大地是“看不见且没有形状的”,那是没有光线的深渊,原因是大地没有形状。为什么你要写“黑暗统治着深渊”,这唯一的原因就是那里完全没有光。如果有光,除了在其之上,又能在哪里抛洒光辉呢?但既然没有光,黑暗的在场不就是光的缺席吗?因此黑暗统治着一切,因为上面一点光都没有,就好像沉默统治着没有声音的地方。无声的沉默不就是声音的缺席吗?
[……]
4
怎么不用通过熟悉话语,让甚至愚笨的大脑也可以理解呢?在构成这个世界的事物中,能找到什么比“大地”和“深渊”更能描述这种空虚混沌?因为它们处于创造物的最低层,相对高级的事物,有底层事物的美丽形式,光芒四射。为什么我不能假定“大地是无形又没有形式的”这句话,是要传达给人类的呢?而这恰是以一种他们可以理解的方式传达的。你创造不美丽的无形状的事物是为了让这个美丽的世界有形吗?
7
如果它第一次就在那儿,为了做这些可见的、复杂形式的工具,那么它自己的起源是什么?只能把它的出现归结于你,所有的事物在你那里都有起源,不论它们存在的程度如何,虽然它们越不怎么像你,就离你越远——我这里不是说空间。这意味着,主啊,你不会像事物或环境一样改变,而是始终如一,恒久如一,并且一模一样,圣哉、圣哉、圣哉,主啊,全能的上帝,你在最初创造了事物,以你自己的方式,通过你的智慧,这智慧从你的本质而生,并且你从无中创造了有。
你创造了天地,但你并没有用你自己的本质来创造。如果你这样做,它们就会与你独生爱子平等了。对你来说,公义决不会承认你本体以外的本体能与你平等。主啊,除你这位三位一体,一体三位的主,在你之外没有任何东西可以创造天地。因此,你必定是从无之中创造它们,一个是伟大的,一个是渺小的。没有什么是你不能做的。你是善的,所以你所造的都是善的,不管是伟大的天外之天,还是这个渺小的世界。你就是本身,除你以外什么也没有。于是,你从虚无中创造了天地,并将一个与另一个区分开来。一个与你接近,另一个与虚无接近。一个仅仅通过你来超越,另一个仅仅比虚无少一点。
13
主啊,这就是当我读到“起初,上帝创造了天地。地是不可见的,没有形状,黑暗统治着深渊。”这些话时,解释你的《圣经》的方式。《圣经》上没有说你在哪一天创造了它们,但是我理解这个原因,“天”在这里意味着天外之天——那是智力的天国,在那里知识具有优先权,可以立刻知道所有,而不是部分,不像从一个镜子中看到的模糊的反射,而是作为一个整体,是清晰的,是面对面的,不是首先、其次……,就像我刚刚说过的,而是一次认识全部,远远不是时间的起落——而“地”则意味着不可见、无形的,它也不像时间那样由此及彼地变化,因为没有形式就什么也没有。天与地,按我的理解,意味着当《圣经》说“起初,上帝创造天地”时,没有提到日子,天就是天外之天,这天从一开始就被赋与了形式,而地是不可见的,也没有秩序,完全没有形式。实际上《圣经》在下一节经文中解释地就是这个意思。因为它说第二天苍穹被创造,那就叫做天,这给我们理解第一句说的天是指没有提到日子的天。
27
摩西留下的论述,你选择将其传给我们,这论述像泉水一样,内容丰富,因为它在限定的空间里流动。泉水比那没有支流但长度更长的河流流量更大,有更多的支流,并浇灌更多的土地。同样,从摩西之口,发出极为简短但又命定的话为一大群讲道者所用,从我们每个人中涌出真理的清泉,通过更冗长又迂回的短句,推出一个尽可能像他一样的真正的关于创造的解释,一些人会选择这种或那种解释。
[……]
31
因为这个原因,尽管我听见有人说:“摩西的意思是这样的”或“摩西的意思是那样的”,我想更虔诚的说法是:“如果两种观点都是对的,为什么摩西不采用两种呢?如果有人从同一句话中读出了第三种、或是第四种,或是任何一种真正的意思,为什么我们不应该相信摩西读出了所有的意思呢?只有一位上帝使摩西用最适合大多数人的头脑的方式写《圣经》,这些人都可以在里面看见真理,虽然在每一个情形中不是同样的真理。”
就我而言,我坚决地声称并竭尽全力表示,如果要我写一本书,这书被最高权威认可,我宁愿用这种方式来写:一个读者可以在我的话中找到回应,不论他能够理解什么样的真理。我宁愿用这种方式来写,而不是明确地把一种简单的正确意见加在上面,尽管这些意见没有错误,但这会排斥其它意见。如果这是我为自己选择的,我的上帝,我不会这样轻率,好像假定一个像摩西一样伟大的人从你那里仅得到很少的恩赐。当他写这些话时,他完全意识到他们是默许的。他意识到了每个真理,那些我们可以从中推演出的真理,和那些我们尚不能推演但却可能发现的真理。
32
[……]
主啊,我的上帝,仅这些话我就写了这么多!如果我用这种篇幅来评论你的整部《圣经》,我需要多少耐心和时间啊!让我继续把自己的思想用于《圣经》,但是要简短一些。这样就可以让我满足于就给出一个解释,这个解释是被你点拨的,是正确的、确定的、好的,尽管我能知道还会有很多其它的解释。就让我在你面前带着坚定的信念做这样的忏悔,如果我给的解释是与摩西的意思一致,那么我做的就是正确的、最好的。这就是我必须竭尽全力去做的。但是,如果我失败了,我至少要说,通过《圣经》的句子启示的你的真理,是与你愿意启示给摩西的是一样的。
第十三卷
1
我呼求你,上帝,我的怜悯,你创造了我,在我忘记你时,你没有忘记我。我请求你来到我的内心,激发我渴求你,准备我来接纳你。现在,当我呼求你,不要遗弃我,甚至在我呼求你之前你已经来帮助我。以各种各样的方式,一遍又一遍地,当我远离你时,你督促我来听你的声音,把我转向你,并一直亲自呼唤我,让我向你呼求帮助。你抹去我所有的罪恶行迹,为的是不要我遭受自己双手所做的应得的惩罚,这罪使得我远离你。甚至在我做之前,你已经考虑了我值得你赞赏的善行,以便回报你的手创造我之功劳。在我之前,你就存在了:我还未成型,你给了我存在。然而现在我存在了,这是出自你的美意,你提供了要创造怎样的我和创造我所需要的一切。你不需要我,我这个生物没有任何长处可以帮助你,我的主,我的上帝啊。我来服侍你不是由于这会减轻你的疲劳,也不是因为如果没有我的服侍你的能力就会减少。我不能像农民耕种土地那样地服侍你,因为即便我的耕作失败了,你的工作也会结出果实。我只能服待你、敬拜你,以致能得到从你而来的善,若没有你,我就得不到善,因为我甚至不能存在来接受善。
3
在你创造之初,你说“要有光,就有了光”。我想这些话可以被适宜地理解为关于灵魂的创造,因为它已经有某种生命,可以获得你发出的光。但是,正像先前它由于自己的贫乏,它不能向你说什么,于是没有这种生命来接受你的光,现在它既然存在了,它就不能说是因为自己的美德而接受了这一礼物。在这无形的世界状态中,除非它变成光,否则就无法取悦于你。当它变成光后,不仅是简单的存在,而是注视并依附你,你这照耀它的光。它也通过这种方式获得你的恩典,仅仅是你的恩典,所赐于它的存在和所赐的生命就生活在幸福中了。通过经历一种向善的变化,它被转向那不变的,不论是变得更好还是更坏,这变化都是朝向你的。只有你可以不变化,因为只有你是绝对的简单,存在与幸福的存在是一样的,因为你是你自己的至福。
5
当我读到你的圣灵运行在水面上,我模糊地看见你是三位一体的,我的上帝。是你,天父,在最初籍着我们的智慧者创造天地——这智慧是你的智慧,源于你,与你平等,与你永存——这就是,在你的圣子体内。关于天外之天我有很多要说,地是不可见、没有形状的,而深渊显示出灵的创造时是多么黑暗,在其外型的空无中,没有连续性和稳定性。这只有归向你生命本身,才能获得你的荣耀光辉的反射而获得美丽和生命。通过这种方式,天外之天就出现了,天外之天分为水上和水下的。当我说这些事物时,我采用“上帝”一词,上帝创造了它们,即天父在这“起初”里面创造,亦即在圣子里创造。但是,我相信的上帝是三位一体的上帝,我在他的《圣经》神圣的字句中寻找这一真理,并发现《圣经》说你的灵运行在水面上。这里就提到三位一体,我的上帝,圣父、圣子和圣灵,所有被造物的创造者。
11
谁可以理解三位一体的全能之神呢?我们都谈论他,虽然我们可能没有按原来那样地来谈论,因为很少有人在谈论三一神的时候知道自己说什么。人们为之互相争辩,观点不一,但是除非他们在平静中,否则就只能得到一个幻想,什么也没有。
我希望人们考虑三个问题。这三个问题都是在人里面找到的。这问题与三位一体不同,但是我建议他们可把它看为一个头脑训练的习题,我们可以检验自己并认识到这种差异是多么大。这三个问题是:存在、知识和意志,我可以说我是,我知道,我要。我是知道和意志的存在。我知道我是和我要,并且我要存在,也要知道。在这三个里面——存在、知识和意志——有一个不可分割的生命,一个生命,一个思想,一个存在。因此,尽管他们各不不同,这种区别并没有割裂它们。这对于那些有能力理解的人来说并不难。实际上,他需要的不是越过自己来看。让他们近距离地审视自己,估量一下,然后告诉我他发现了什么。
但当他在这三者中发现了一个共同的原则,并告诉我他所发现的,他不能认为自己发现了在这之上永恒不变的本体,这本体永恒不变的存在,永恒不变的知道,永恒不变的意志。因为我们中没有任何人可以轻易地认为上帝是三位一体。因为这所有的三者——永恒不变的存在,永恒不变的知道,永恒不变的意志——都在上帝的里面;不论三者是否在三位一体中的一个位格里面,每一个都是三者重合的;或者不论这些假定是否是真的,在一些奇妙的方式上,即单一又复杂的方式中是一个,虽然上帝是无限的,然而他是自己的结束又是自己本身,因此三位一体在他自己里面,并被他自己所知,又满足自己;那最高的存在,唯一的不变者,存在于无限的统一体中。这是一种神秘,无人能解释,我们中谁又可以断言他可以解释呢?
28
“你看着你所创造的一切,哦上帝,并发现它们非常好。”我们也看见所有这些事物,并知道它们很好。在你每一次的工作中,你首先命令它们被创造,当它们被创造出来之后,你轮流看着每一个事物,并认为它们都是好的。我计算着并发现《圣经》告诉我们七次你看见你所创造的是好的,当你在第八次去看你所有的受造物,我们被告知你发现它们不仅是好,而且是非常好,因为你立即把它们当作整体来看。每个分开的创造都是好的,但当他们被看为一个受造时,他们不仅是好的,他们非常好。
任何美丽的物质事物都可以这样说。一个事物有若干部分,美丽蕴含在每一个部分中,整体的事物比单独的部分更漂亮,这都被恰当地组合并排列,组成一个整体,尽管每一部分就其作为单独的部分来说,本身就是一个美丽的事物。
35
哦,主啊,上帝,赐予我们平安吧,我们所有的一切都是你的馈赠。请赐予我们安宁,安息日的平安,永远没有夜晚的平安。因为这世界的秩序在其所有的美丽中都会过去。当它们的存在达到极限时,所有美好的事物都将结束。它们已经被安排了有它们自己的早晨和夜晚。
37
在那永恒的安息日,你会在我们这里安息,就好像你现在在我们里面工作一样。我们要享受的安息是你的,就好像我们目前所做的工作是你的工作一样,只不过是通过我们来做。但是,主啊,你永远在工作,也永远在休息。你不是通过时间来看,也不是通过时间来运动,也不是在时间里休息:然而你创造了我们在时间中所看见的事物;你创造了时间本身,当时间停止时你就休息了。
38
我们能看见你创造的这些事物,因为它们存在。但是它们仅仅是存在,因为你看见它们。在我们本身之外,我们看见它们存在,并且在我们自身里面,我们看见它们是好的。但是当你看到创造它们是正确的时候,你以同样的方式看见他们被创造。
我们只有一瞬间之后,被激励做善事,即我们的心灵接受到圣灵的激发时,在这之前我们冲动地做坏事,因为那时我们已经离弃了你。但是你,唯一的神,良善的上帝,从来没有停止从善。通过你恩典的馈赠,我们做的一些工作是好的,但不是持久的。在那些之后,当你把我们纳入你伟大的神圣存在时,我们希望可以找到安息。但是你是善本身,除了你自己不需要其它的善。你永远在安息中,因为你是自己的安息。
什么人可以教导其他人明白这个真理呢?什么天使可以教导其他的天使呢?什么天使可以教导人呢?我们必须问你,向你寻求答案。我们必须敲你的门。只有这样我们才可以得到回答,并找到我们要寻求的结果。只有在那时,门才会向我们打开。
St Augustine
Confessions of a Sinner
TRANSLATED BY R. S. PINE-COFFIN
PENGUIN BOOKS — GREAT IDEAS
英文目录
Contents
Book I
1
Can any praise be worthy of the Lord's majesty? How magnificent his strength! How inscrutable his wisdom! Man is one of your creatures, Lord, and his instinct is to praise you. He bears about him the mark of death, the sign of his own sin, to remind him that you thwart the proud. But still, since he is a part of your creation, he wishes to praise you. The thought of you stirs him so deeply that he cannot be content unless he praises you, because you made us for yourself and our hearts find no peace until they rest in you.
[...]
Those who look for the Lord will cry out in praise of him, because all who look for him shall find him, and when they find him they will praise him. I shall look for you, Lord, by praying to you and as I pray I shall believe in you, because we have had preachers to tell us about you. It is my faith that calls to you, Lord, the faith which you gave me and made to live in me through the merits of your Son, who became man, and through the ministry of your preacher.
6
But, dust and ashes though I am, let me appeal to your pity, since it is to you in your mercy that I speak, not to a man, who would simply laugh at me. Perhaps you too may laugh at me, but you will relent and have pity on me. For all I want to tell you, Lord, is that I do not know where I came from when I was born into this life which leads to death - or should I say, this death which leads to life? This much is hidden from me. But, although I do not remember it all myself, I know that when I came into the world all the comforts which your mercy provides were there ready for me. This I was told by my parents, the father who begat me and the mother who conceived me, the two from whose bodies you formed me in the limits of time. So it was that I was given the comfort of woman's milk.
[...]
I do acknowledge you, Lord of heaven and earth, and I praise you for my first beginnings, although I cannot remember them. But you have allowed men to discover these things about themselves by watching other babies, and also to learn much from what women have to tell. I know that I was a living person even at that age, and as I came towards the end of infancy I tried to find signs to convey my feelings to others. Where could such a living creature come from if not from you, O Lord? Can it be that any man has skill to fabricate himself? Or can there be some channel by which we derive our life and our very existence from some other source than you? Surely we can only derive them from our Maker, from you, Lord, to whom living and being are not different things, since infinite life and infinite being are one and the same. For you are infinite and never change. In you 'today' never comes to an end: and yet our 'today' does come to an end in you, because time, as well as everything else, exists in you. If it did not, it would have no means of passing. And since your years never come to an end, for you they are simply 'today'. The countless days of our lives and of our forefathers' lives have passed by within your 'today'. From it they have received their due measure of duration and their very existence. And so it will be with all the other days which are still to come. But you yourself are eternally the same. In your 'today' you will make all that is to exist tomorrow and thereafter, and in your 'today' you have made all that existed yesterday and for ever before.
Need it concern me if some people cannot understand this? Let them ask what it means, and be glad to ask: but they may content themselves with the question alone. For it is better for them to find you and leave the question unanswered than to find the answer without finding you.
7
Hear me, O God! How wicked are the sins of men! Men say this and you pity them, because you made man, but you did not make sin in him.
Who can recall to me the sins I committed as a baby? For in your sight no man is free from sin, not even a child who has lived only one day on earth. Who can show me what my sins were? Some small baby in whom I can see all that I do not remember about myself? What sins, then, did I commit when I was a baby myself? Was it a sin to cry when I wanted to feed at the breast? I am too old now to feed on mother's milk, but if I were to cry for the kind of food suited to my age, others would rightly laugh me to scorn and remonstrate with me. So then too I deserved a scolding for what I did; but since I could not have understood the scolding, it would have been unreasonable, and most unusual, to rebuke me. We root out these faults and discard them as we grow up, and this is proof enough that they are faults, because I have never seen a man purposely throw out the good when he clears away the bad. It can hardly be right for a child, even at that age, to cry for everything, including things which would harm him; to work himself into a tantrum against people older than himself and not required to obey him; and to try his best to strike and hurt others who know better than he does, including his own parents, when they do not give in to him and refuse to pander to whims which would only do him harm. This shows that, if babies are innocent, it is not for lack of will to do harm, but for lack of strength.
[...]
I do not remember that early part of my life, O Lord, but I believe what other people have told me about it and from watching other babies I can conclude that I also lived as they do. But, true though my conclusions may be, I do not like to think of that period as part of the same life I now lead, because it is dim and forgotten and, in this sense, it is no different from the time I spent in my mother's womb. But if I was born in sin and guilt was with me already when my mother conceived me, where, I ask you, Lord, where or when was I, your servant, ever innocent? But I will say no more about that time, for since no trace of it remains in my memory, it need no longer concern me.
9
But, O God my God, I now went through a period of suffering and humiliation. I was told that it was right and proper for me as a boy to pay attention to my teachers, so that I should do well at my study of grammar and get on in the world. This was the way to gain the respect of others and win for myself what passes for wealth in this world. So I was sent to school to learn to read. I was too small to understand what purpose it might serve and yet, if I was idle at my studies, I was beaten for it, because beating was favoured by tradition. Countless boys long since forgotten had built up this stony path for us to tread and we were made to pass along it, adding to the toil and sorrow of the sons of Adam.
But we found that some men prayed to you, Lord, and we learned from them to do the same, thinking of you in the only way that we could understand, as some great person who could listen to us and help us, even though we could not see you or hear you or touch you. I was still a boy when I first began to pray to you, my Help and Refuge. I used to prattle away to you, and though I was small, my devotion was great when I begged you not to let me be beaten at school. Sometimes, for my own good, you did not grant my prayer, and then my elders and even my parents, who certainly wished me no harm, would laugh at the beating I got - and in those days beatings were my one great bugbear.
[...]
11
While still a boy I had been told of the eternal life promised to us by Our Lord, who humbled himself and came down amongst us proud sinners. As a catechumen, I was blessed regularly from birth with the sign of the Cross and was seasoned with God's salt, for, O Lord, my mother placed great hope in you. Once as a child I was taken suddenly ill with a disorder of the stomach and was on the point of death. You, my God, were my guardian even then, and you saw the fervour and strength of my faith as I appealled to the piety of my own mother and to the mother of us all, your Church, to give me the baptism of Christ your Son, who is my God and my Master. My earthly mother was deeply anxious, because in the pure faith of her heart, she was in greater labour to ensure my eternal salvation than she had been at my birth. Had I not quickly recovered, she would have hastened to see that I was admitted to the sacraments of salvation and washed clean by acknowledging you, Lord Jesus, for the pardon of my sins. So my washing in the waters of baptism was postponed, in the surmise that, if I continued to live, I should defile myself again with sin and, after baptism, the guilt of pollution would be greater and more dangerous. Even at that age I already believed in you, and so did my mother and the whole household except for my father. But, in my heart, he did not gain the better of my mother's piety and prevent me from believing in Christ just because he still disbelieved himself. For she did all that she could to see that you, my God, should be a Father to me rather than he. In this you helped her to turn the scales against her husband, whom she always obeyed because by obeying him she obeyed your law, thereby showing greater virtue than he did.
I ask you, my God - for, if it is your will, I long to know - for what purpose was my baptism postponed at that time? Was it for my good that the reins which held me from sin were slackened? Or is it untrue that they were slackened? If not, why do we continually hear people say, even nowadays, 'Leave him alone and let him do it. He is not yet baptized'? Yet when the health of the body is at stake, no one says 'Let him get worse. He is not yet cured.' It would, then, have been much better if I had been healed at once and if all that I and my family could do had been done to make sure that once my soul had received its salvation, its safety should be left in your keeping, since its salvation had come from you. This would surely have been the better course. But my mother well knew how many great tides of temptation threatened me before I grew up, and she chose to let them beat upon the as yet unmoulded clay rather than upon the finished image which had received the stamp of baptism.
17
Let me tell you, my God, how I squandered the brains you gave me on foolish delusions. I was set a task which troubled me greatly, for if I were successful, I might win some praise: if not, I was afraid of disgrace or a beating. I had to recite the speech of Juno, who was pained and angry because she could not prevent Aeneas from sailing to Italy. I had been told that Juno had never really spoken the words, but we were compelled to make believe and follow the flight of the poet's fancy by repeating in prose what he had said in verse. The contest was to be won by the boy who found the best words to suit the meaning and best expressed feelings of sorrow and anger appropriate to the majesty of the character he impersonated.
What did all this matter to me, my God, my true Life? Why did my recitation win more praise than those of the many other boys in my class? Surely it was all so much smoke without fire? Was there no other subject on which I might have sharpened my wits and my tongue? I might have used them, O Lord, to praise you in the words of your Scriptures, which could have been a prop to support my heart, as if it were a young vine, so that it would not have produced this crop of worthless fruit, fit only for the birds to peck at. For offerings can be made to those birds of prey, the fallen angels, in more ways than one.
19
It was at the threshold of a world such as this that I stood in peril as a boy. I was already being prepared for its tournaments by a training which taught me to have a horror of faulty grammar instead of teaching me, when I committed these faults, not to envy others who avoided them. All this, my God, I admit and confess to you. By these means I won praise from the people whose favour I sought, for I thought that the right way to live was to do as they wished. I was blind to the whirlpool of debasement in which I had been plunged away from the sight of your eyes. For in your eyes nothing could be more debased than I was then, since I was even troublesome to the people whom I set out to please. Many and many a time I lied to my tutor, my masters, and my parents, and deceived them because I wanted to play games or watch some futile show or was impatient to imitate what I saw on the stage. I even stole from my parents' larder and from their table, either from greed or to get something to give to other boys in exchange for their favourite toys, which they were willing to barter with me. And in the games I played with them I often cheated in order to come off the better, simply because a vain desire to win had got the better of me. And yet there was nothing I could less easily endure, nothing that made me quarrel more bitterly, than to find others cheating me as I cheated them. All the same, if they found me out and blamed me for it, I would lose my temper rather than give in.
Can this be the innocence of childhood? Far from it, O Lord! But I beg you to forgive it. For commanders and kings may take the place of tutors and schoolmasters, nuts and balls and pet birds may give way to money and estates and servants, but these same passions remain with us while one stage of life follows upon another, just as more severe punishments follow upon the school-master's cane. It was, then, simply because they are small that you used children to symbolize humility when, as our King, you commended it by saying that the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.
20
And yet, Lord, even if you had willed that I should not survive my childhood, I should have owed you gratitude, because you are our God, the supreme Good, the Creator and Ruler of the universe. For even as a child I existed, I was alive, I had the power of feeling; I had an instinct to keep myself safe and sound, to preserve my own being, which was a trace of the single unseen Being from whom it was derived; I had an inner sense which watched over my bodily senses and kept them in full vigour; and even in the small things which occupied my thoughts I found pleasure in the truth. I disliked finding myself in the wrong; my memory was good; I was acquiring the command of words; I enjoyed the company of friends; and I shrank from pain, ignorance, and sorrow. Should I not be grateful that so small a creature possessed such wonderful qualities? But they were all gifts from God, for I did not give them to myself. His gifts are good and the sum of them all is my own self. Therefore, the God who made me must be good and all the good in me is his. I thank him and praise him for all the good in my life, even my life as a boy. But my sin was this, that I looked for pleasure, beauty, and truth not in him but in myself and his other creatures, and the search led me instead to pain, confusion, and error. My God, in whom is my delight, my glory, and my trust, I thank you for your gifts and beg you to preserve and keep them for me. Keep me, too, and so your gifts will grow and reach perfection and I shall be with you myself, for I should not even exist if it were not by your gift.
Book II
1
I must now carry my thoughts back to the abominable things I did in those days, the sins of the flesh which defiled my soul. I do this, my God, not because I love those sins, but so that I may love you. For love of your love I shall retrace my wicked ways. The memory is bitter, but it will help me to savour your sweetness, the sweetness that does not deceive but brings real joy and never fails. For love of your love I shall retrieve myself from the havoc of disruption which tore me to pieces when I turned away from you, whom alone I should have sought, and lost myself instead on many a different quest. For as I grew to manhood I was inflamed with desire for a surfeit of hell's pleasures. Foolhardy as I was, I ran wild with lust that was manifold and rank. In your eyes my beauty vanished and I was foul to the core, yet I was pleased with my own condition and anxious to be pleasing in the eyes of men.
2
I cared for nothing but to love and be loved. But my love went beyond the affection of one mind for another, beyond the arc of the bright beam of friendship. Bodily desire, like a morass, and adolescent sex welling up within me exuded mists which clouded over and obscured my heart, so that I could not distinguish the clear light of true love from the murk of lust. Love and lust together seethed within me. In my tender youth they swept me away over the precipice of my body's appetites and plunged me in the whirlpool of sin. More and more I angered you, unawares. For I had been deafened by the clank of my chains, the fetters of the death which was my due to punish the pride in my soul. I strayed still farther from you and you did not restrain me. I was tossed and spilled, floundering in the broiling sea of my fornication, and you said no word. How long it was before I learned that you were my true joy! You were silent then, and I went on my way, farther and farther from you, proud in my distress and restless in fatigue, sowing more and more seeds whose only crop was grief.
[...]
3
In the same year my studies were interrupted. I had already begun to go to the near-by town of Madaura to study literature and the art of public speaking, but I was brought back home while my father, a modest citizen of Thagaste whose determination was greater than his means, saved up the money to send me farther afield to Carthage. I need not tell all this to you, my God, but in your presence I tell it to my own kind, to those other men, however few, who may perhaps pick up this book. And I tell it so that I and all who read my words may realize the depths from which we are to cry to you. Your ears will surely listen to the cry of a penitent heart which lives the life of faith.
[...]
4
It is certain, O Lord, that theft is punished by your law, the law that is written in men's hearts and cannot be erased however sinful they are. For no thief can bear that another thief should steal from him, even if he is rich and the other is driven to it by want. Yet I was willing to steal, and steal I did, although I was not compelled by any lack, unless it were the lack of a sense of justice or a distaste for what was right and a greedy love of doing wrong. For of what I stole I already had plenty, and much better at that, and I had no wish to enjoy the things I coveted by stealing, but only to enjoy the theft itself and the sin. There was a pear-tree near our vineyard, loaded with fruit that was attractive neither to look at nor to taste. Late one night a band of ruffians, myself included, went off to shake down the fruit and carry it away, for we had continued our games out of doors until well after dark, as was our pernicious habit. We took away an enormous quantity of pears, not to eat them ourselves, but simply to throw them to the pigs. Perhaps we ate some of them, but our real pleasure consisted in doing something that was forbidden.
[...]
6
If the crime of theft which I committed that night as a boy of sixteen were a living thing, I could speak to it and ask what it was that, to my shame, I loved in it. I had no beauty because it was a robbery. It is true that the pears which we stole had beauty, because they were created by you, the good God, who are the most beautiful of all beings and the Creator of all things, the supreme Good and my own true Good. But it was not the pears that my unhappy soul desired. I had plenty of my own, better than those, and I only picked them so that I might steal. For no sooner had I picked them than I threw them away, and tasted nothing in them but my own sin, which I relished and enjoyed. If any part of one of those pears passed my lips, it was the sin that gave it flavour.
[...]
What was it, then, that pleased me in that act of theft? Which of my Lord's powers did I imitate in a perverse and wicked way? Since I had no real power to break his law, was it that I enjoyed at least the pretence of doing so, like a prisoner who creates for himself the illusion of liberty by doing something wrong, when he has no fear of punishment, under a feeble hallucination of power? Here was the slave who ran away from his master and chased a shadow instead! What an abomination! What a parody of life! What abysmal death! Could I enjoy doing wrong for no other reason than that it was wrong?
Book III
1
I went to Carthage, where I found myself in the midst of a hissing cauldron of lust. I had not yet fallen in love, but I was in love with the idea of it, and this feeling that something was missing made me despise myself for not being more anxious to satisfy the need. I began to look around for some object for my love, since I badly wanted to love something. I had no liking for the safe path without pitfalls, for although my real need was for you, my God, who are the food of the soul, I was not aware of this hunger. I felt no need for the food that does not perish, not because I had had my fill of it, but because the more I was starved of it the less palatable it seemed. Because of this my soul fell sick. It broke out in ulcers and looked about desperately for some material, worldly means of relieving the itch which they caused. But material things, which have no soul, could not be true objects for my love. To love and to have my love returned was my heart's desire, and it would be all the sweeter if I could also enjoy the body of the one who loved me.
[...]
3
Yet all the while, far above, your mercy hovered faithfully about me. I exhausted myself in depravity, in the pursuit of an unholy curiosity. I deserted you and sank to the bottom-most depths of scepticism and the mockery of devil-worship. My sins were a sacrifice to the devil, and for all of them you chastised me. I defied you even so far as to relish the thought of lust, and gratify it too, within the walls of your church during the celebration of your mysteries. For such a deed I deserved to pluck the fruit of death, and you punished me for it with a heavy lash. But, compared with my guilt, the penalty was nothing. How infinite is your mercy, my God! You are my Refuge from the terrible dangers amongst which I wandered, head on high, intent upon withdrawing still further from you. I loved my own way, not yours, but it was a truant's freedom that I loved.
Besides these pursuits I was also studying for the law. Such ambition was held to be honourable and I determined to succeed in it. The more unscrupulous I was, the greater my reputation was likely to be, for men are so blind that they even take pride in their blindness. By now I was at the top of the school of rhetoric. I was pleased with my superior status and swollen with conceit. All the same, as you well know, Lord, I behaved far more quietly than the 'Wreckers', a title of ferocious devilry which the fashionable set chose for themselves. I had nothing whatever to do with their outbursts of violence, but I lived amongst them, feeling a perverse sense of shame because I was not like them. I kept company with them and there were times when I found their friendship a pleasure, but I always had a horror of what they did when they lived up to their name. Without provocation they would set upon some timid newcomer, gratuitously affronting his sense of decency for their own amusement and using it as fodder for their spiteful jests. This was the devil's own behaviour or not far different. 'Wreckers' was a fit name for them, for they were already adrift and total wrecks themselves. The mockery and trickery which they loved to practise on others was a secret snare of the devil, by which they were mocked and tricked themselves.
4
These were the companions with whom I studied the art of eloquence at that impressionable age. It was my ambition to be a good speaker, for the unhallowed and inane purpose of gratifying human vanity. The prescribed course of study brought me to a work by an author named Cicero, whose writing nearly everyone admires, if not the spirit of it. The title of the book is Hortensius and it recommends the reader to study philosophy. It altered my outlook on life. It changed my prayers to you, O Lord, and provided me with new hopes and aspirations. All my empty dreams suddenly lost their charm and my heart began to throb with a bewildering passion for the wisdom of eternal truth. I began to climb out of the depths to which I had sunk, in order to return to you. For I did not use the book as a whetstone to sharpen my tongue. It was not the style of it but the contents which won me over, and yet the allowance which my mother paid me was supposed to be spent on putting an edge on my tongue. I was now in my nineteenth year and she supported me, because my father had died two years before.
[...]
But, O Light of my heart, you know that at that time, although Paul's words were not known to me, the only thing that pleased me in Cicero's book was his advice not simply to admire one or another of the schools of philosophy, but to love wisdom itself, whatever it might be, and to search for it, pursue it, hold it, and embrace it firmly. These were the words which excited me and set me burning with fire, and the only check to this blaze of enthusiasm was that they made no mention of the name of Christ. For by your mercy, Lord, from the time when my mother fed me at the breast my infant heart had been suckled dutifully on his name, the name of your Son, my Saviour. Deep inside my heart his name remained, and nothing could entirely captivate me, however learned, however neatly expressed, however true it might be, unless his name were in it.
5
So I made up my mind to examine the holy Scriptures and see what kind of books they were. I discovered something that was at once beyond the understanding of the proud and hidden from the eyes of children. Its gait was humble, but the heights it reached were sublime. It was enfolded in mysteries, and I was not the kind of man to enter into it or bow my head to follow where it led. But these were not the feelings I had when I first read the Scriptures. To me they seemed quite unworthy of comparison with the stately prose of Cicero, because I had too much conceit to accept their simplicity and not enough insight to penetrate their depths. It is surely true that as the child grows these books grow with him. But I was too proud to call myself a child. I was inflated with self-esteem, which made me think myself a great man.
11
But you sent down your help from above and rescued my soul from the depths of this darkness because my mother, your faithful servant, wept to you for me, shedding more tears for my spiritual death than other mothers shed for the bodily death of a son. For in her faith and in the spirit which she had from you she looked on me as dead. You heard her and did not despise the tears which streamed down and watered the earth in every place where she bowed her head in prayer. You heard her, for how else can I explain the dream with which you consoled her, so that she agreed to live with me and eat at the same table in our home? Lately she had refused to do this, because she loathed and shunned the blasphemy of my false beliefs.
She dreamed that she was standing on a wooden rule, and coming towards her in a halo of splendour she saw a young man who smiled at her in joy, although she herself was sad and quite consumed with grief. He asked her the reason for her sorrow and her daily tears, not because he did not know, but because he had something to tell her, for this is what happens in visions. When she replied that her tears were for the soul I had lost, he told her to take heart for, if she looked carefully, she would see that where she was, there also was I. And when she looked, she saw me standing beside her on the same rule.
Where could this dream have come from, unless it was that you listened to the prayer of her heart? For your goodness is almighty; you take good care of each of us as if you had no others in your care, and you look after all as you look after each. And surely it was for the same reason that, when she told me of the dream and I tried to interpret it as a message that she need not despair of being one day such as I was then, she said at once and without hesitation 'No! He did not say "Where he is, you are", but "Where you are, he is".'
[...]
12
I remember that in the meantime you gave her another answer to her prayers, though there is much besides this that escapes my memory and much too that I must omit, because I am in haste to pass on to other things, which I am more anxious to confess to you.
This other answer you gave her through the mouth of one of your priests, a bishop who had lived his life in the Church and was well versed in the Scriptures. My mother asked him, as a favour, to have a talk with me, so that he might refute my errors, drive the evil out of my mind, and replace it with good. He often did this when he found suitable pupils, but he refused to do it for me - a wise decision, as I afterwards realized. He told her that I was still unripe for instruction because, as she had told him, I was brimming over with the novelty of the heresy and had already upset a great many simple people with my casuistry. 'Leave him alone', he said. 'Just pray to God for him. From his own reading he will discover his mistakes and the depth of his profanity.'
At the same time he told her that when he was a child his misguided mother had handed him over to the Manichees. He had not only read almost all their books, but had also made copies of them, and even though no one argued the case with him or put him right, he had seen for himself that he ought to have nothing to do with the sect; and accordingly he had left it. Even after she had heard this my mother still would not be pacified, but persisted all the more with her tears and her entreaties that he should see me and discuss the matter. At last he grew impatient and said 'Leave me and go in peace. It cannot be that the son of these tears should be lost.'
In later years, as we talked together, she used to say that she accepted these words as a message from heaven.
Book IV
1
During the space of those nine years, from the nineteenth to the twenty-eighth year of my life, I was led astray myself and led others astray in my turn. We were alike deceivers and deceived in all our different aims and ambitions, both publicly when we expounded our so-called liberal ideas, and in private through our service to what we called religion. In public we were cocksure, in private superstitious, and everywhere void and empty. On the one hand we would hunt for worthless popular distinctions, the applause of an audience, prizes for poetry, or quickly fading wreaths won in competition. We loved the idle pastimes of the stage and in selfindulgence we were unrestrained. On the other hand we aspired to be purged of these lowly pleasures by taking food to the holy elect, as they were called, so that in their paunches it might pass through the process of being made into angels and gods who would set us free. These were the objects I pursued and the tasks I performed together with friends who, like myself and through my fault, were under the same delusion.
[...]
2
During those years I was a teacher of the art of public speaking. Love of money had gained the better of me and for it I sold to others the means of coming off the better in debate. But you know, Lord, that I preferred to have honest pupils, in so far as honesty has any meaning nowadays, and I had no evil intent when I taught the tricks of pleading, for I never meant them to be used to get the innocent condemned but, if the occasion arose, to save the lives of the guilty. From a distance, my God, you saw me losing my foothold on this treacherous ground, but through clouds of smoke you also saw a spark of good faith in me; for though, as I schooled my pupils, I was merely abetting their futile designs and their schemes of duplicity, nevertheless I did my best to teach them honestly.
In those days I lived with a woman, not my lawful wedded wife but a mistress whom I had chosen for no special reason but that my restless passions had alighted on her. But she was the only one and I was faithful to her. Living with her I found out by my own experience the difference between the restraint of the marriage alliance, contracted for the purpose of having children, and a bargain struck for lust, in which the birth of children is begrudged, though, if they come, we cannot help but love them.
[...]
12
If the things of this world delight you, praise God for them but turn your love away from them and give it to their Maker, so that in the things that please you you may not displease him. If your delight is in souls, love them in God, because they too are frail and stand firm only when they cling to him. If they do not, they go their own way and are lost. Love them, then, in him and draw as many with you to him as you can. Tell them 'He is the one we should love. He made the world and he stays close to it.' For when he made the world he did not go away and leave it. By him it was created and in him it exists. Wherever we taste the truth, God is there. He is in our very inmost hearts, but our hearts have strayed from him. Think well on it, unbelieving hearts and cling to him who made you. Stand with him and you shall not fall; rest in him and peace shall be yours. What snags and pitfalls lie before you? Where do your steps lead you? The good things which you love are all from God, but they are good and sweet only as long as they are used to do his will. They will rightly turn bitter if God is spurned and the things that come from him are wrongly loved. Why do you still choose to travel by this hard and arduous path? There is no rest to be found where you seek it. In the land of death you try to find a happy life: it is not there. How can life be happy where there is no life at all?
Our Life himself came down into this world and took away our death. He slew it with his own abounding life, and with thunder in his voice he called us from this world to return to him in heaven. From heaven he came down to us, entering first the Virgin's womb, where humanity, our mortal flesh, was wedded to him so that it might not be for ever mortal. Then as a bridegroom coming from his bed, he exulted like some great runner who sees the track before him. He did not linger on his way but ran, calling us to return to him, calling us by his words and deeds, by his life and death, by his descent into hell and his ascension into heaven. He departed from our sight, so that we should turn to our hearts and find him there. He departed, but he is here with us. He would not stay long with us, but he did not leave us. He went back to the place which he had never left, because he, through whom the world was made, was in the world and he came into the world to save sinners. To him my soul confesses and he is its Healer, because the wrong it did was against him. Great ones of the world, will your hearts always be hardened? Your Life has come down from heaven: will you not now at last rise with him and live? But how can you rise if you are in high places and your clamour reaches heaven? Come down from those heights, for then you may climb and, this time, climb to God. To climb against him was your fall.
[...]
13
I did not know this then. I was in love with beauty of a lower order and it was dragging me down. I used to ask my friends 'Do we love anything unless it is beautiful? What, then, is beauty and in what does it consist? What is it that attracts us and wins us over to the things we love? Unless there were beauty and grace in them, they would be powerless to win our hearts.' When I looked at things, it struck me that there was a difference between the beauty of an object considered by itself as one whole and the beauty to be found in a proper proportion between separate things, such as the due balance between the whole of the body and any of its limbs, or between the foot and the shoe with which it is shod, and so on. This idea burst from my heart like water from a spring. My mind was full of it and I wrote a book called Beauty and Proportion, in two or three volumes as far as I remember. You know how many there were, O Lord. I have forgotten, because by some chance the book was lost and I no longer have it.
14
O Lord, my God, what induced me to dedicate my book to Hierius, the great public speaker at Rome? I had never even seen him, but I admired his brilliant reputation for learning and had been greatly struck by what I had heard of his speeches. Even more than this I was impressed by the admiration which other people had for him. They overwhelmed him with praise, because it seemed extraordinary that a man born in Syria and originally trained to speak in Greek had later become so remarkable a speaker in Latin, and had also such a wealth of knowledge of the subjects studied by philosophers.
We can admire persons whom we have never seen, if we hear them praised, though this does not mean that simply to hear their praises will make us admire them. But enthusiasm in one man will kindle the same fire in another, for we admire the person whose praises we hear only if we believe that they are sincerely uttered - in other words that the person who utters them genuinely admires the man whom he praises.
[...]
But Hierius was the kind of man in whom I admired qualities that I would have been glad to possess. In my pride I was running adrift, at the mercy of every wind. You were guiding me as a helmsman steers a ship, but the course you steered was beyond my understanding. I know now, and confess it as the truth, that I admired Hierius more because others praised him than for the accomplishments for which they praised him. I know this because those same people, instead of praising him, might have abused him. They might have spoken of the same talents in him but found fault with them and despised them. If they had done this, my feelings would not have been aroused nor my admiration kindled. Yet his qualities would have been the same and he himself would have been no different. The only difference would have been in their attitude towards him.
We can see from this that the soul is weak and helpless unless it clings to the firm rock of truth. Men give voice to their opinions, but they are only opinions, like so many puffs of wind that waft the soul hither and thither and make it veer and turn. The light is clouded over and the truth cannot be seen, although it is there before our eyes. I thought it a matter of much importance to myself to bring my book and the work I had done to the notice of this great man. If he had approved of them, my fervour would have been all the more ardent. If he had found fault, my heart, which was empty and bereft of God's firm truth, would have suffered a cruel blow. Yet I found pleasure in giving my mind to the problem of beauty and proportion, the work which I had dedicated to him. Although I found no others to admire it, I was proud of it myself.
15
[...]
I was struggling to reach you, but you thrust me back so that I knew the taste of death. For you thwart the proud. And what greater pride could there be than to assert, as I did in my strange madness, that by nature I was what you are? I was changeable, and I knew it; for if I wanted to be a learned man, it could only mean that I wanted to be better than I was. All the same I preferred to think that you too were changeable rather than suppose that I was not what you are. This was why you thrust me back and crushed my rearing pride, while my imagination continued to play on material forms. Myself a man of flesh and blood I blamed the flesh. I was as fickle as a breath of wind, unable to return to you. I drifted on, making my way towards things that had no existence in you or in myself or in the body. They were not created for me by your truth but were the inventions of my own foolish imagination working on material things. Though I did not know it, I was in exile from my place in God's city among his faithful children, my fellow citizens. But I was all words, and stupidly I used to ask them, 'If, as you say, God made the soul, why does it err?' Yet I did not like them to ask me in return, 'If what you say is true, why does God err?' So I used to argue that your unchangeable substance, my God, was forced to err, rather than admit that my own was changeable and erred of its own free will, and that its errors were my punishment.
[...]
16
When I was only about twenty years of age Aristotle's book on the 'Ten Categories' came into my hands. Whenever my teacher at Carthage and others who were reputed to be scholars mentioned this book, their cheeks would swell with self-importance, so that the title alone was enough to make me stand agape, as though I were poised over some wonderful divine mystery. I managed to read it and understand it without help, though I now ask myself what advantage I gained from doing so. Other people told me that they had understood it only with difficulty, after the most learned masters had not only explained it to them but also illustrated it with a wealth of diagrams. But when I discussed it with them, I found that they could tell me no more about it than I had already discovered by reading it on my own.
[...]
I read and understood by myself all the books that I could find on the so-called liberal arts, for in those days I was a good-for-nothing and a slave to sordid ambitions. But what advantage did I gain from them? I read them with pleasure, but I did not know the real source of such true and certain facts as they contained. I had my back to the light and my face was turned towards the things which it illumined, so that my eyes, by which I saw the things which stood in the light, were themselves in darkness. Without great difficulty and without need of a teacher I understood all that I read on the arts of rhetoric and logic, on geometry, music, and mathematics. You know this, O Lord my God, because if a man is quick to understand and his perception is keen, he has these gifts from you. But since I made no offering of them to you, it did me more harm than good to struggle to keep in my own power so large a part of what you had given to me and, instead of preserving my strength for you, to leave you and go to a far country to squander your gifts on loves that sold themselves for money. For what good to me was my ability, if I did not use it well? And ability I had, for until I tried to instruct others I did not realize that these subjects are very difficult to master, even for pupils who are studious and intelligent, and a student who could follow my instruction without faltering was reckoned a very fine scholar.
But what value did I gain from my reading as long as I thought that you, Lord God who are the Truth, were a bright, unbounded body and I a small piece broken from it? What utter distortion of the truth! Yet this was my belief; and I do not now blush to acknowledge, my God, the mercies you have shown to me, nor to call you to my aid, just as in those days I did not blush to declare my blasphemies aloud and snarl at you like a dog. What, then, was the value to me of my intelligence, which could take these subjects in its stride, and all those books, with their tangled problems, which I unravelled without the help of any human tutor, when in the doctrine of your love I was lost in the most hideous error and the vilest sacrilege? And was it so great a drawback to your faithful children that they were slower than I to understand such things? For they did not forsake you, but grew like fledglings in the safe nest of your Church, nourishing the wings of charity on the food of the faith that would save them.
O Lord our God, let the shelter of your wings give us hope. Protect us and uphold us. You will be the Support that upholds us from childhood till the hair on our heads is grey. When you are our strength we are strong, but when our strength is our own we are weak. In you our good abides for ever, and when we turn away from it we turn to evil. Let us come home at last to you, O Lord, for fear that we be lost. For in you our good abides and it has no blemish, since it is yourself. Nor do we fear that there is no home to which we can return. We fell from it; but our home is your eternity and it does not fall because we are away.
Book V
1
Accept my confessions, O Lord. They are a sacrifice offered by my tongue, for yours was the hand that fashioned it and yours the spirit that moved it to acknowledge you. Heal all my bones and let them say Lord, there is none like you.
If a man confesses to you, he does not reveal his inmost thoughts to you as though you did not know them. For the heart may shut itself away, but it cannot hide from your sight. Man's heart may be hard, but it cannot resist the touch of your hand. Whenever you will, your mercy or your punishment can make it relent, and just as none can hide away from the sun, none can escape your burning heat.
Let my soul praise you, so that it may show its love; and let it make avowal of your mercies, so that for these it may praise you. No part of your creation ever ceases to resound in praise of you. Man turns his lips to you in prayer and his spirit praises you. Animals too and lifeless things as well praise you through the lips of all who give them thought. For our souls lean for support upon the things which you have created, so that we may be lifted up to you from our weakness and use them to help us on our way to you who made them all so wonderfully. And in you we are remade and find true strength.
3
In the sight of my God I will describe the twenty-ninth year of my age.
A Manichean bishop named Faustus had recently arrived at Carthage. He was a great decoy of the devil and many people were trapped by his charming manner of speech. This I certainly admired, but I was beginning to distinguish between mere eloquence and the real truth, which I was so eager to learn. The Manichees talked so much about this man Faustus that I wanted to see what scholarly fare he would lay before me, and I did not care what words he used to garnish the dish. I had already heard that he was very well versed in all the higher forms of learning and particularly in the liberal sciences.
I had read a great many scientific books which were still alive in my memory. When I compared them with the tedious tales of the Manichees, it seemed to me that, of the two, the theories of the scientists were the more likely to be true. For their thoughts could reach far enough to form a judgement about the world around them, though they found no trace of him who is Master of it. You, Lord, who are so high above us, yet look with favour on the humble, look on the proud too, but from far off. You come close only to men who are humble at heart. The proud cannot find you, even though by dint of study they have skill to number stars and grains of sand, to measure the tracts of constellations and trace the paths of planets.
[...]
6
For almost the whole of those nine years during which my mind was unsettled and I was an aspirant of the Manichees, I awaited the coming of this man Faustus with the keenest expectation. Other members of the sect whom I happened to meet were unable to answer the questions I raised upon these subjects, but they assured me that once Faustus had arrived I had only to discuss them with him and he would have no difficulty in giving me a clear explanation of my queries and any other more difficult problems which I might put forward.
[...]
My long and eager expectation of Faustus's arrival was amply rewarded by the way in which he set about the task of disputation and the goodwill that he showed. The ease with which he found the right words to clothe his thoughts delighted me, and I was not the only one to applaud it, though perhaps I did so more than most. But I found it tiresome, when so many people assembled to hear him, not to be allowed to approach him with my difficulties and lay them before him in the friendly give-and-take of conversation. As soon as the opportunity arose I and some of my friends claimed his attention at a time when a private discussion would not be inappropriate. I mentioned some of my doubts, but soon discovered that except for a rudimentary knowledge of literature he had no claims to scholarship. He had read some of Cicero's speeches, one or two books of Seneca, some poetry, and such books as had been written in good Latin by members of his sect. Besides his daily practice as a speaker, this reading was the basis of his eloquence, which derived extra charm and plausibility from his attractive personality and his ability to make good use of his mental powers.
[...]
7
As soon as it became clear to me that Faustus was quite uninformed about the subjects in which I had expected him to be an expert, I began to lose hope that he could lift the veil and resolve the problems which perplexed me. Of course, despite his ignorance of these matters he might still have been a truly pious man, provided he were not a Manichee. The Manichean books are full of the most tedious fictions about the sky and the stars, the sun and the moon. I badly wanted Faustus to compare these with the mathematical calculations which I had studied in other books, so that I might judge whether the Manichean theories were more likely to be true or, at least, equally probable, but I now began to realize that he could not give me a detailed explanation. When I suggested that we should consider these problems and discuss them together, he was certainly modest enough not to undertake the task. He knew that he did not know the answers to my questions and was not ashamed to admit it, for unlike many other talkative people whom I have had to endure, he would not try to teach me a lesson when he had nothing to say. He had a heart, and though his approach to you was mistaken, he was not without discretion. He was not entirely unaware of his limitations and did not want to enter rashly into an argument which might force him into a position which he could not possibly maintain and from which he could not easily withdraw. I liked him all the better for this, because modesty and candour are finer equipment for the mind than scientific knowledge of the kind that I wished to possess. I found that his attitude towards all the more difficult and abstruse questions was the same.
[...]
So it was that, unwittingly and without intent, Faustus who had been a deadly snare to many now began to release me from the trap in which I had been caught. For in the mystery of your providence, my God, your guiding hand did not desert me. Night and day my mother poured out her tears to you and offered her heart-blood in sacrifice for me, and in the most wonderful way you guided me. It was you who guided me, my God, for man's feet stand firm, if the Lord is with him to prosper his journey. What else can save us but your hand, remaking what you have made?
8
It was, then, by your guidance that I was persuaded to go to Rome and teach there the subjects which I taught at Carthage.
[...]
9
At Rome I was at once struck down by illness, which all but carried me off to hell loaded with all the evil that I had committed against you, against myself, and against other men, a host of grave offences over and above the bond of original sin, by which we all have died with Adam. You had not yet forgiven me any of these sins in Christ nor, on his cross, had he dissolved the enmity which my sins had earned me in your sight. How could he dissolve it on the cross if he were a mere phantom, as I believed? In so far, then, as I thought the death of his body unreal, the death of my own soul was real; and the life of my soul, because it doubted his death, was as false as the death of his flesh was true.
[...]
If I had died in that state, my mother's heart would never have recovered from the blow. Words cannot describe how dearly she loved me or how much greater was the anxiety she suffered for my spiritual birth than the physical pain she had endured in bringing me into the world. I cannot see how she could ever have recovered if I had died in that condition, for my death would have pierced the very heart of her love. And what would have become of all the fervent prayers which she offered so often and without fail? They would have come to you, nowhere but to you. But would you, O God of mercy, have despised the contrite and humble heart of that chaste and gentle widow, so ready to give alms, so full of humble reverence for your saints, who never let a day go by unless she had brought an offering to your altar, and never failed to come to your church twice every day, each morning and night, not to listen to empty tales and old wives' gossip, but so that she might hear the preaching of your word and you might listen to her prayers? Could you deny your help to her, when it was by your grace that she was what she was, or despise her tears, when she asked not for gold or silver or any fleeting, short-lived favour, but that the soul of her son might be saved? Never would you have done this, O Lord. No, you were there to hear her prayer and do all, in due order, as you had determined it was to be done. It could not be that you would have deceived her in the visions you sent her and the answers you gave to her prayers, both those that I have recorded and the others which I have not set down. All these signs she cherished in her faithful heart, and in her ceaseless prayers she laid them before you as though they were pledges signed by your hand. For, since your mercy endures for ever, by your promises you deign to become a debtor to those whom you release from every debt.
10
So it was that you healed my sickness. To the son of your servant you restored the health of his body, so that he might live to receive from you another far better and more certain kind of health.
[...]
12
I began actively to set about the business of teaching literature and public speaking, which was the purpose for which I had come to Rome. At first I taught in my house, where I collected a number of pupils who had heard of me, and through them my reputation began to grow. But I now realized that there were difficulties in Rome with which I had not had to contend in Africa. True enough, I found that there was no rioting by young hooligans, but I was told that at any moment a number of students would plot together to avoid paying their master his fees and would transfer in a body to another. They were quite unscrupulous, and justice meant nothing to them compared with the love of money. There was hatred for them in my heart, and it was not unselfish hatred, for I suppose that I hated them more for what I should have to suffer from them than for the wrong they might do to any teacher ... For their warped and crooked minds I still hate students like these, but I love them too, hoping to teach them to mend their ways, so that they may learn to love their studies more than money and love you, their God, still more, for you are the Truth, the Source of good that does not fail, and the Peace of purest innocence. But in those days I was readier to dislike them for fear of the harm they might cause me than to hope that they would become good for your sake.
13
So, when the Prefect of Rome received a request from Milan to find a teacher of literature and elocution for the city, with a promise that travelling expenses would be charged to public funds, I applied for the appointment, armed with recommendations from my friends who were so fuddled with the Manichean rigmarole. This journey was to mean the end of my association with them, though none of us knew it at the time. Eventually Symmachus, who was then Prefect, set me a test to satisfy himself of my abilities and sent me to Milan.
In Milan I found your devoted servant the bishop Ambrose, who was known throughout the world as a man whom there were few to equal in goodness. At that time his gifted tongue never tired of dispensing the richness of your corn, the joy of your oil, and the sober intoxication of your wine. Unknown to me, it was you who led me to him, so that I might knowingly be led by him to you. This man of God received me like a father and, as bishop, told me how glad he was that I had come. My heart warmed to him, not at first as a teacher of the truth, which I had quite despaired of finding in your Church, but simply as a man who showed me kindness. I listened attentively when he preached to the people, though not with the proper intention; for my purpose was to judge for myself whether the reports of his powers as a speaker were accurate, or whether eloquence flowed from him more, or less, readily than I had been told. So while I paid the closest attention to the words he used, I was quite uninterested in the subject-matter and was even contemptuous of it. I was delighted with his charming delivery, but although he was a more learned speaker than Faustus, he had not the same soothing and gratifying manner. I am speaking only of his style for, as to content, there could be no comparison between the two. Faustus had lost his way among the fallacies of Manicheism, while Ambrose most surely taught the doctrine of salvation. But your mercy is unknown to sinners such as I was then, though step by step, unwittingly, I was coming closer to it.
14
For although I did not trouble to take what Ambrose said to heart, but only to listen to the manner in which he said it - this being the only paltry interest that remained to me now that I had lost hope that man could find the path that led to you - nevertheless his meaning, which I tried to ignore, found its way into my mind together with his words, which I admired so much. I could not keep the two apart, and while I was all ears to seize upon his eloquence, I also began to sense the truth of what he said, though only gradually. First of all it struck me that it was, after all, possible to vindicate his arguments. I began to believe that the Catholic faith, which I had thought impossible to defend against the objections of the Manichees, might fairly be maintained, especially since I had heard one passage after another in the Old Testament figuratively explained. These passages had been death to me when I took them literally, but once I had heard them explained in their spiritual meaning I began to blame myself for my despair, at least in so far as it had led me to suppose that it was quite impossible to counter people who hated and derided the law and the prophets. But I did not feel that I ought to follow the Catholic path simply because it too had its learned men, ready to vouch for it and never at a loss for sound arguments in answer to objections. On the other hand I did not think that my own beliefs should be condemned simply because an equally good case could be made out for either side. For I thought the Catholic side unbeaten but still not victorious.
Next I tried my utmost to find some certain proof which would convict the Manichees of falsehood. If I had been able to conceive of a spiritual substance, all their inventions would at once have been disproved and rejected from my mind. But this I could not do. However, the more I thought about the material world and the whole of nature, as far as we can be aware of it through our bodily senses, and the more I took stock of the various theories, the more I began to think that the opinions of the majority of the philosophers were most likely to be true. So, treating everything as a matter of doubt, as the Academics are generally supposed to do, and hovering between one doctrine and another, I made up my mind at least to leave the Manichees, for while I was in this state of indecision I did not think it right to remain in the sect now that I found the theories of some of the philosophers preferable. Nevertheless I utterly refused to entrust the healing of the maladies of my soul to these philosophers, because they ignored the saving name of Christ. I therefore decided to remain a catechumen in the Catholic Church, which was what my parents wanted, at least until I could clearly see a light to guide my steps.
Book VI
1
O God, Hope of my youth, where were you all this time? Where were you hiding from me? Were you not my Creator and was it not you who made me different from the beasts that walk on the earth and wiser than the birds that fly in the air? Yet I was walking on a treacherous path, in darkness. I was looking for you outside myself and I did not find the God of my own heart. I had reached the depths of the ocean. I had lost all faith and was in despair of finding the truth.
By now my mother had come to me, for her piety had given her strength to follow me over land and sea, facing all perils in the sure faith she had in you. When the ship was in danger, it was she who put heart into the crew, the very men to whom passengers unused to the sea turn for reassurance when they are alarmed. She promised them that they would make the land in safety, because you had given her this promise in a vision. And she found that I too was in grave danger because of my despair of discovering the truth. I told her that I was not a Catholic Christian, but at least I was no longer a Manichee. Yet she did not leap for joy as though this news were unexpected. In fact, to this extent, her anxiety for me had already been allayed. For in her prayers to you she wept for me as though I were dead, but she also knew that you would recall me to life. In her heart she offered me to you as though I were laid out on a bier, waiting for you to say to the widow's son, 'Young man, I say to you, stand up.' And he would get up and begin to speak, and you would give him back to his mother. So she felt no great surge of joy and her heart beat none the faster when she heard that the tears and the prayers which she had offered you day after day had at last, in great part, been rewarded. For I had been rescued from falsehood, even if I had not yet grasped the truth. Instead, because she was sure that if you had promised her all, you would also give her what remained to be given, she told me quite serenely, with her heart full of faith, that in Christ she believed that before she left this life she would see me a faithful Catholic. This was what she said to me. But to you, from whom all mercies spring, she poured out her tears and her prayers all the more fervently, begging you to speed your help and give me light in my darkness. She hurried all the more eagerly to church, where she listened with rapt attention to all that Ambrose said. For her his words were like a spring of water within her, that flows continually to bring her everlasting life. She loved him as God's angel, because she had learnt that it was through him that I had been led, for the time being, into a state of wavering uncertainty. She had no doubt that I must pass through this condition, which would lead me from sickness to health, but not before I had surmounted a still graver danger, much like that which doctors call the crisis.
5
From now on I began to prefer the Catholic teaching. The Church demanded that certain things should be believed even though they could not be proved, for if they could be proved, not all men could understand the proof, and some could not be proved at all. I thought that the Church was entirely honest in this and far less pretentious than the Manichees, who laughed at people who took things on faith, made rash promises of scientific knowledge, and then put forward a whole system of preposterous inventions which they expected their followers to believe on trust because they could not be proved. Then, O Lord, you laid your most gentle, most merciful finger on my heart and set my thoughts in order, for I began to realize that I believed countless things which I had never seen or which had taken place when I was not there to see - so many events in the history of the world, so many facts about places and towns which I had never seen, and so much that I believed on the word of friends or doctors or various other people. Unless we took these things on trust, we should accomplish absolutely nothing in this life. Most of all it came home to me how firm and unshakeable was the faith which told me who my parents were, because I could never have known this unless I believed what I was told. In this way you made me understand that I ought not to find fault with those who believed your Bible, which you have established with such great authority amongst almost all the nations of the earth, but with those who did not believe it; and that I ought to pay no attention to people who asked me how I could be sure that the Scriptures were delivered to mankind by the Spirit of the one true God who can tell no lie. It was precisely this that I most needed to believe, because in all the conflicting books of philosophy which I had read no misleading proposition, however contentious, had been able, even for one moment, to wrest from me my belief in your existence and in your right to govern human affairs; and this despite the fact that I had no knowledge of what you are.
My belief that you existed and that our well-being was in your hands was sometimes strong, sometimes weak, but I always held to it even though I knew neither what I ought to think about your substance nor which way would lead me to you or lead me back to you. And so, since we are too weak to discover the truth by reason alone and for this reason need the authority of sacred books, I began to believe that you would never have invested the Bible with such conspicuous authority in every land unless you had intended it to be the means by which we should look for you and believe in you. As for the passages which had previously struck me as absurd, now that I had heard reasonable explanations of many of them I regarded them as of the nature of profound mysteries; and it seemed to me all the more right that the authority of Scripture should be respected and accepted with the purest faith, because while all can read it with ease, it also has a deeper meaning in which its great secrets are locked away. Its plain language and simple style make it accessible to everyone, and yet it absorbs the attention of the learned. By this means it gathers all men in the wide sweep of its net, and some pass safely through the narrow mesh and come to you. They are not many, but they would be fewer still if it were not that this book stands out alone on so high a peak of authority and yet draws so great a throng in the embrace of its holy humility.
[...]
13
I was being urged incessantly to marry, and had already made my proposal and been accepted. My mother had done all she could to help, for it was her hope that, once I was married, I should be washed clean of my sins by the saving waters of baptism. She was delighted that, day by day, I was becoming more fitted for baptism, and in my acceptance of the faith she saw the answer to her prayers and the fulfilment of your promises. At my request and by her own desire she daily beseeched you with heartfelt prayers to send her some revelation in a vision about my future marriage, but this you would not do. She had some vague and fanciful dreams, which were the result of her preoccupation with these thoughts, and when she told me about them, she treated them as of no importance and did not speak with the assurance that she always had when you sent her visions. She always said that by some sense, which she could not describe in words, she was able to distinguish between your revelations and her own natural dreams. All the same, the plans for my marriage were pushed ahead and the girl's parents were asked for their consent. She was nearly two years too young for marriage, but I liked her well enough and was content to wait.
15
Meanwhile I was sinning more and more. The woman with whom I had been living was torn from my side as an obstacle to my marriage and this was a blow which crushed my heart to bleeding, because I loved her dearly. She went back to Africa, vowing never to give herself to any other man, and left with me the son whom she had borne me. But I was too unhappy and too weak to imitate this example set me by a woman. I was impatient at the delay of two years which had to pass before the girl whom I had asked to marry became my wife, and because I was more a slave of lust than a true lover of marriage, I took another mistress, without the sanction of wedlock. This meant that the disease of my soul would continue unabated, in fact it would be aggravated, and under the watch and ward of uninterrupted habit it would persist into the state of marriage. Furthermore the wound that I had received when my first mistress was wrenched away showed no signs of healing. At first the pain was sharp and searing, but then the wound began to fester, and though the pain was duller there was all the less hope of a cure.
16
Praise and honour be yours, O Fountain of mercy! As my misery grew worse and worse, you came the closer to me. Though I did not know it, your hand was poised ready to lift me from the mire and wash me clean. Nothing prevented me from plunging still deeper into the gulf of carnal pleasure except the fear of death and your judgement to come. Through all my changing opinions this fear never left my heart.
[...]
What crooked paths I trod! What dangers threatened my soul when it rashly hoped that by abandoning you it would find something better! Whichever way it turned, on front or back or sides, it lay on a bed that was hard, for in you alone the soul can rest. You are there to free us from the misery of error which leads us astray, to set us on your own path and to comfort us by saying, 'Run on, for I shall hold you up. I shall lead you and carry you on to the end.'
Book VII
1
By now my adolescence, with all its shameful sins, was dead. I was approaching mature manhood, but the older I grew, the more disgraceful was my self-delusion. I could imagine no kind of substance except such as is normally seen by the eye. But I did not think of you, my God, in the shape of a human body, for I had rejected this idea ever since I had first begun to study philosophy, and I was glad to find that our spiritual mother, your Catholic Church, also rejected such beliefs. But I did not know how else to think of you.
I was only a man, and a weak man at that, but I tried to think of you as the supreme God, the only God, the true God. With all my heart I believed that you could never suffer decay or hurt or change, for although I did not know how or why this should be, I understood with complete certainty that what is subject to decay is inferior to that which is not, and without hesitation I placed that which cannot be harmed above that which can, and I saw that what remains constant is better than that which is changeable. My heart was full of bitter protests against the creations of my imagination, and this single truth was the only weapon with which I could try to drive from my mind's eye all the unclean images which swarmed before it. But hardly had I brushed them aside than, in the flicker of an eyelid, they crowded upon me again, forcing themselves upon my sight and clouding my vision, so that although I did not imagine you in the shape of a human body, I could not free myself from the thought that you were some kind of bodily substance extended in space, either permeating the world or diffused in infinity beyond it. This substance I thought of as something not subject to decay or harm or variation and therefore better than any that might suffer corruption or damage or change. I reasoned in this way because, if I tried to imagine something without dimensions of space, it seemed to me that nothing, absolutely nothing, remained, not even a void. For if a body were removed from the space which it occupied, and that space remained empty of any body whatsoever, whether of earth, water, air, or sky, there would still remain an empty space. Nothing would be there, but it would still be a space.
[...]
So I thought of you too, O Life of my life, as a great being with dimensions extending everywhere, throughout infinite space, permeating the whole mass of the world and reaching in all directions beyond it without limit, so that the earth and the sky and all creation were full of you and their limits were within you, while you had no limits at all. For the air, that is, the atmosphere which covers the earth, is a material body, but it does not block out the light of the sun. The light passes through it and penetrates it, not by breaking it or splitting it, but by filling it completely. In the same way I imagined that you were able to pass through material bodies, not only the air and the sky and the sea, but also the earth, and that you could penetrate to all their parts, the greatest and the smallest alike, so that they were filled with your presence, and by this unseen force you ruled over all that you had created, from within and from without.
This was the theory to which I held, because I could imagine you in no other way. But it was a false theory. For if it were true, it would mean that a greater part of the earth would contain a greater part of you, and a smaller part less in proportion. Everything would be filled with your presence, but in such a way that the body of an elephant would contain more of you than the body of a sparrow, because the one is larger than the other and occupies more space. So you would distribute your parts piecemeal among the parts of the world, to each more or less according to its size. This, of course, is quite untrue. But at that time you had not yet given me light in my darkness.
3
But although I declared and firmly believed that you, our Lord God, the true God who made not only our souls but also our bodies and not only our souls and bodies but all things, living and inanimate, as well, although I believed that you were free from corruption or mutation or any degree of change, I still could not find a clear explanation, without complications, of the cause of evil. Whatever the cause might be, I saw that it was not to be found in any theory that would oblige me to believe that the immutable God was mutable. If I believed this, I should myself become a cause of evil, the very thing which I was trying to discover. So I continued the search with some sense of relief, because I was quite sure that the theories of the Manichees were wrong. I repudiated these people with all my heart, because I could see that while they were inquiring into the origin of evil they were full of evil themselves, since they preferred to think that yours was a substance that could suffer evil rather than that theirs was capable of committing it.
I was told that we do evil because we choose to do so of our own free will, and suffer it because your justice rightly demands that we should. I did my best to understand this, but I could not see it clearly. I tried to raise my mental perceptions out of the abyss which engulfed them, but I sank back into it once more. Again and again I tried, but always I sank back. One thing lifted me up into the light of your day. It was that I knew that I had a will, as surely as I knew that there was life in me. When I chose to do something or not to do it, I was quite certain that it was my own self, and not some other person, who made this act of will, so that I was on the point of understanding that herein lay the cause of my sin. If I did anything against my will, it seemed to me to be something which happened to me rather than something which I did, and I looked upon it not as a fault, but as a punishment. And because I thought of you as a just God, I admitted at once that your punishments were not unjust.
But then I would ask myself once more: 'Who made me? Surely it was my God, who is not only good but Goodness itself. How, then, do I come to possess a will that can choose to do wrong and refuse to do good, thereby providing a just reason why I should be punished? Who put this will into me? Who sowed this seed of bitterness in me, when all that I am was made by my God, who is Sweetness itself? If it was the devil who put it there, who made the devil? If he was a good angel who became a devil because of his own wicked will, how did he come to possess the wicked will which made him a devil, when the Creator, who is entirely good, made him a good angel and nothing else?'
[...]
12
It was made clear to me also that even those things which are subject to decay are good. If they were of the supreme order of goodness, they could not become corrupt; but neither could they become corrupt unless they were in some way good. For if they were supremely good, it would not be possible for them to be corrupted. On the other hand, if they were entirely without good, there would be nothing in them that could become corrupt. For corruption is harmful, but unless it diminished what is good, it could do no harm. The conclusion then must be either that corruption does no harm - which is not possible; or that everything which is corrupted is deprived of good - which is beyond doubt. But if they are deprived of all good, they will not exist at all. For if they still exist but can no longer be corrupted, they will be better than they were before, because they now continue their existence in an incorruptible state. But could anything be more preposterous than to say that things are made better by being deprived of all good?
So we must conclude that if things are deprived of all good, they cease altogether to be; and this means that as long as they are, they are good. Therefore, whatever is, is good; and evil, the origin of which I was trying to find, is not a substance, because if it were a substance, it would be good. For either it would be an incorruptible substance of the supreme order of goodness, or it would be a corruptible substance which would not be corruptible unless it were good. So it became obvious to me that all that you have made is good, and that there are no substances whatsoever that were not made by you. And because you did not make them all equal, each single thing is good and collectively they are very good, for our God made his whole creation very good.
17
I was astonished that although I now loved you and not some phantom in your place, I did not persist in enjoyment of my God. Your beauty drew me to you, but soon I was dragged away from you by my own weight and in dismay I plunged again into the things of this world. The weight I carried was the habit of the flesh. But your memory remained with me and I had no doubt at all that you were the one to whom I should cling, only I was not yet able to cling to you. For ever the soul is weighed down by a mortal body, earth-bound cell that clogs the manifold activity of its thought. I was most certain, too, that from the foundations of the world men have caught sight of your invisible nature, your eternal power, and your divineness, as they are known through your creatures. For I wondered how it was that I could appreciate beauty in material things on earth or in the heavens, and what it was that enabled me to make correct decisions about things that are subject to change and to rule that one thing ought to be like this, another like that. I wondered how it was that I was able to judge them in this way, and I realized that above my own mind, which was liable to change, there was the never changing, true eternity of truth. So, step by step, my thoughts moved on from the consideration of material things to the soul, which perceives things through the senses of the body, and then to the soul's inner power, to which the bodily senses communicate external facts. Beyond this dumb animals cannot go. The next stage is the power of reason, to which the facts communicated by the bodily senses are submitted for judgement.
This power of reason, realizing that in me it too was liable to change, led me on to consider the source of its own understanding. It withdrew my thoughts from their normal course and drew back from the confusion of images which pressed upon it, so that it might discover what light it was that had been shed upon it when it proclaimed for certain that what was immutable was better than that which was not, and how it had come to know the immutable itself. For unless, by some means, it had known the immutable, it could not possibly have been certain that it was preferable to the mutable. And so, in an instant of awe, my mind attained to the sight of the God who IS. Then, at last, I caught sight of your invisible nature, as it is known through your creatures. But I had no strength to fix my gaze upon them. In my weakness I recoiled and fell back into my old ways, carrying with me nothing but the memory of something that I loved and longed for, as though I had sensed the fragrance of the fare but was not yet able to eat it.
18
I began to search for a means of gaining the strength I needed to enjoy you, but I could not find this means until I embraced the mediator between God and men, Jesus Christ, who is a man, like them, and also rules as God over all things, blessed for ever. He was calling to me and saying I am the way; I am truth and life. He it was who united with our flesh that food which I was too weak to take; for the Word was made flesh so that your Wisdom, by which you created all things, might be milk to suckle us in infancy. For I was not humble enough to conceive of the humble Jesus Christ as my God, nor had I learnt what lesson his human weakness was meant to teach. The lesson is that your Word, the eternal Truth, which far surpasses even the higher parts of your creation, raises up to himself all who subject themselves to him. From the clay of which we are made he built for himself a lowly house in this world below, so that by this means he might cause those who were to be made subject to him to abandon themselves and come over to his side. He would cure them of the pride that swelled up in their hearts and would nurture love in its place, so that they should no longer stride ahead confident in themselves, but might realize their own weakness when at their feet they saw God himself, enfeebled by sharing this garment of our mortality. And at last, from weariness, they would cast themselves down upon his humanity, and when it rose they too would rise.
Book VIII
6
O Lord, my Helper and my Redeemer, I shall now tell and confess to the glory of your name how you released me from the fetters of lust which held me so tightly shackled and from my slavery to the things of this world [...]
One day when for some reason that I cannot recall Nebridius was not with us, Alypius and I were visited at our house by a fellow-countryman of ours from Africa, a man named Ponticianus, who held a high position in the Emperor's household. He had some request to make of us and we sat down to talk. He happened to notice a book lying on a table used for games, which was near where we were sitting. He picked it up and opened it and was greatly surprised to find that it contained Paul's epistles, for he had supposed that it was one of the books which used to tax all my strength as a teacher. Then he smiled and looked at me and said how glad he was, and how surprised, to find this book, and no others, there before my eyes. He of course was a Christian and a faithful servant to you, our God. Time and again he knelt before you in church repeating his prayers and lingering over them. When I told him that I studied Paul's writings with the greatest attention, he began to tell us the story of Antony, the Egyptian monk, whose name was held in high honour by your servants, although Alypius and I had never heard it until then. When Ponticianus realized this, he went into greater detail, wishing to instil some knowledge of this great man into our ignorant minds, for he was very surprised that we had not heard of him. For our part, we too were astonished to hear of the wonders you had worked so recently, almost in our own times, and witnessed by so many, in the true faith and in the Catholic Church. In fact all three of us were amazed, Alypius and I because the story we heard was so remarkable, and Ponticianus because we had not heard it before.
After this he went on to tell us of the groups of monks in the monasteries, of their way of life that savours of your sweetness, and of the fruitful wastes of the desert. All of this was new to us. There was a monastery at Milan also, outside the walls, full of good brethren under the care of Ambrose, but we knew nothing of this either. Ponticianus continued to talk and we listened in silence. Eventually he told us of the time when he and three of his companions were at Trêves. One afternoon, while the Emperor was watching the games in the circus, they went out to stroll in the gardens near the city walls. They became separated into two groups, Ponticianus and one of the others remaining together while the other two went off by themselves. As they wandered on, the second pair came to a house which was the home of some servants of yours, men poor in spirit, to whom the kingdom of heaven belongs. In the house they found a book containing the life of Antony. One of them began to read it and was so fascinated and thrilled by the story that even before he had finished reading he conceived the idea of taking upon himself the same kind of life and abandoning his career in the world - both he and his friend were officials in the service of the State - in order to become your servant. All at once he was filled with the love of holiness. Angry with himself and full of remorse, he looked at his friend and said, 'What do we hope to gain by all the efforts we make? What are we looking for? What is our purpose in serving the State? Can we hope for anything better at Court than to be the Emperor's friends? Even so, surely our position would be precarious and exposed to much danger? We shall meet it at every turn, only to reach another danger which is greater still. And how long is it to be before we reach it? But if I wish, I can become the friend of God at this very moment.'
After saying this he turned back to the book, labouring under the pain of the new life that was taking birth in him. He read on and in his heart, where you alone could see, a change was taking place. His mind was being divested of the world, as could presently be seen. For while he was reading, his heart leaping and turning in his breast, a cry broke from him as he saw the better course and determined to take it. Your servant now, he said to his friend, 'I have torn myself free from all our ambitions and have decided to serve God. From this very moment, here and now, I shall start to serve him. If you will not follow my lead, do not stand in my way.' The other answered that he would stand by his comrade, for such service was glorious and the reward was great. So these two, now your servants, built their tower at the cost which had to be paid, that is, at the cost of giving up all they possessed and following you.
At this moment Ponticianus and the man who had been walking with him in another part of the garden arrived at the house, looking for their friends. Now that they had found them they said that it was time to go home, as the daylight was beginning to fade. But the other two told them of the decision they had made and what they proposed to do. They explained what had made them decide to take this course and how they had agreed upon it, and they asked their friends, if they would not join them, at least not to put obstacles in their way. Ponticianus said that he and the other man did not change their old ways, but they were moved to tears for their own state of life. In all reverence they congratulated the others and commended themselves to their prayers. Then they went back to the palace, burdened with hearts that were bound to this earth; but the others remained in the house and their hearts were fixed upon heaven. Both these men were under a promise of marriage, but once the two women heard what had happened, they too dedicated their virginity to you.
7
This was what Ponticianus told us. But while he was speaking, O Lord, you were turning me around to look at myself. For I had placed myself behind my own back, refusing to see myself. You were setting me before my own eyes so that I could see how sordid I was, how deformed and squalid, how tainted with ulcers and sores. I saw it all and stood aghast, but there was no place where I could escape from myself. If I tried to turn my eyes away they fell on Ponticianus, still telling his tale, and in this way you brought me face to face with myself once more, forcing me upon my own sight so that I should see my wickedness and loathe it. I had known it all along, but I had always pretended that it was something different. I had turned a blind eye and forgotten it.
But now, the more my heart warmed to those two men as I heard how they had made the choice that was to save them by giving themselves up entirely to your care, the more bitterly I hated myself in comparison with them. Many years of my life had passed - twelve, unless I am wrong - since I had read Cicero's Hortensius at the age of nineteen and it had inspired me to study philosophy. But I still postponed my renunciation of this world's joys, which would have left me free to look for that other happiness, the very search for which, let alone its discovery, I ought to have prized above the discovery of all human treasures and kingdoms or the ability to enjoy all the pleasures of the body at a mere nod of the head. As a youth I had been woefully at fault, particularly in early adolesence. I had prayed to you for chastity and said 'Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.' For I was afraid that you would answer my prayer at once and cure me too soon of the disease of lust, which I wanted satisfied, not quelled. I had wandered on along the road of vice in the sacrilegious superstition of the Manichees, not because I thought that it was right, but because I preferred it to the Christian belief, which I did not explore as I ought but opposed out of malice.
[...]
All the time that Ponticianus was speaking my conscience gnawed away at me like this. I was overcome by burning shame, and when he had finished his tale and completed the business for which he had come, he went away and I was left to my own thoughts. I made all sorts of accusations against myself. I cudgelled my soul and belaboured it with reasons why it should follow me now that I was trying so hard to follow you. But it fought back. It would not obey and yet could offer no excuse. All its old arguments were exhausted and had been shown to be false. It remained silent and afraid, for as much as the loss of life itself it feared the stanching of the flow of habit, by which it was wasting away to death.
8
My inner self was a house divided against itself. In the heat of the fierce conflict which I had stirred up against my soul in our common abode, my heart, I turned upon Alypius. My looks betrayed the commotion in my mind as I exclaimed, 'What is the matter with us? What is the meaning of this story? These men have not had our schooling, yet they stand up and storm the gates of heaven while we, for all our learning, lie here grovelling in this world of flesh and blood! Is it because they have led the way that we are ashamed to follow? Is it not worse to hold back?'
[...]
There was a small garden attached to the house where we lodged. We were free to make use of it as well as the rest of the house because our host, the owner of the house, did not live there. I now found myself driven by the tumult in my breast to take refuge in this garden, where no one could interrupt that fierce struggle, in which I was my own contestant, until it came to its conclusion. What the conclusion was to be you knew, O Lord, but I did not. Meanwhile I was beside myself with madness that would bring me sanity. I was dying a death that would bring me life. I knew the evil that was in me, but the good that was soon to be born in me I did not know. So I went out into the garden and Alypius followed at my heels. His presence was no intrusion on my solitude, and how could he leave me in that state? We sat down as far as possible from the house. I was frantic, overcome by violent anger with myself for not accepting your will and entering into your covenant. Yet in my bones I knew that this was what I ought to do. In my heart of hearts I praised it to the skies. And to reach this goal I needed no chariot or ship. I need not even walk as far as I had come from the house to the place where we sat, for to make the journey, and to arrive safely, no more was required than an act of will. But it must be a resolute and whole-hearted act of the will, not some lame wish which I kept turning over and over in my mind, so that it had to wrestle with itself, part of it trying to rise, part falling to the ground.
[...]
11
This was the nature of my sickness. I was in torment, reproaching myself more bitterly than ever as I twisted and turned in my chain. I hoped that my chain might be broken once and for all, because it was only a small thing that held me now. All the same it held me. And you, O Lord, never ceased to watch over my secret heart. In your stern mercy you lashed me with the twin scourge of fear and shame in case I should give way once more and the worn and slender remnant of my chain should not be broken but gain new strength and bind me all the faster. In my heart I kept saying 'Let it be now, let it be now!', and merely by saying this I was on the point of making the resolution. I was on the point of making it, but I did not succeed. Yet I did not fall back into my old state. I stood on the brink of resolution, waiting to take fresh breath. I tried again and came a little nearer to my goal, and then a little nearer still, so that I could almost reach out and grasp it. But I did not reach it. I could not reach out to it or grasp it, because I held back from the step by which I should die to death and become alive to life. My lower instincts, which had taken firm hold of me, were stronger than the higher, which were untried. And the closer I came to the moment which was to mark the great change in me, the more I shrank from it in horror. But it did not drive me back or turn me from my purpose: it merely left me hanging in suspense.
[...]
12
I probed the hidden depths of my soul and wrung its pitiful secrets from it, and when I mustered them all before the eyes of my heart, a great storm broke within me, bringing with it a great deluge of tears. I stood up and left Alypius so that I might weep and cry to my heart's content, for it occurred to me that tears were best shed in solitude. I moved away far enough to avoid being embarrassed even by his presence. He must have realized what my feelings were, for I suppose I had said something and he had known from the sound of my voice that I was ready to burst into tears. So I stood up and left him where we had been sitting, utterly bewildered. Somehow I flung myself down beneath a fig tree and gave way to the tears which now streamed from my eyes, the sacrifice that is acceptable to you. I had much to say to you, my God, not in these very words but in this strain: Lord, will you never be content? Must we always taste your vengeance? Forget the long record of our sins. For I felt that I was still the captive of my sins, and in my misery I kept crying "How long shall I go on saying 'tomorrow, tomorrow'? Why not now? Why not make an end of my ugly sins at this moment?"
I was asking myself these questions, weeping all the while with the most bitter sorrow in my heart, when all at once I heard the sing-song voice of a child in a nearby house. Whether it was the voice of a boy or a girl I cannot say, but again and again it repeated the refrain 'Take it and read, take it and read'. At this I looked up, thinking hard whether there was any kind of game in which children used to chant words like these, but I could not remember ever hearing them before. I stemmed my flood of tears and stood up, telling myself that this could only be a divine command to open my book of Scripture and read the first passage on which my eyes should fall. For I had heard the story of Antony, and I remembered how he had happened to go into a church while the Gospel was being read and had taken it as a counsel addressed to himself when he heard the words Go home and sell all that belongs to you. Give it to the poor, and so the treasure you have shall be in heaven; then come back and follow me. By this divine pronouncement he had at once been converted to you.
So I hurried back to the place where Alypius was sitting, for when I stood up to move away I had put down the book containing Paul's Epistles. I seized it and opened it, and in silence I read the first passage on which my eyes fell: Not in revelling and drunkenness, not in lust and wantonness, not in quarrels and rivalries. Rather, arm yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ; spend no more thought on nature and nature's appetites. I had no wish to read more and no need to do so. For in an instant, as I came to the end of the sentence, it was as though the light of confidence flooded into my heart and all the darkness of doubt was dispelled.
I marked the place with my finger or by some other sign and closed the book. My looks now were quite calm as I told Alypius what had happened to me. He too told me what he had been feeling, which of course I did not know. He asked to see what I had read. I showed it to him and he read on beyond the text which I had read. I did not know what followed, but it was this: Find room among you for a man of over-delicate conscience. Alypius applied this to himself and told me so. This admonition was enough to give him strength, and without suffering the distress of hesitation he made his resolution and took this good purpose to himself. And it very well suited his moral character, which had long been far, far better than my own.
Then we went in and told my mother, who was overjoyed. And when we went on to describe how it had all happened, she was jubilant with triumph and glorified you, who are powerful enough, and more than powerful enough, to carry out your purpose beyond all our hopes and dreams. For she saw that you had granted her far more than she used to ask in her tearful prayers and plaintive lamentations. You converted me to yourself, so that I no longer desired a wife or placed any hope in this world but stood firmly upon the rule of faith, where you had shown me to her in a dream so many years before. And you turned her sadness into rejoicing, into joy far fuller than her dearest wish, far sweeter and more chaste than any she had hoped to find in children begotten of my flesh.
Book IX
2
Knowing that you were watching me I thought it best to retire quietly from the market where I sold the services of my tongue rather than make an abrupt and sensational departure. I intended that young pupils who gave no thought to your law or your peace, but only to lies and the insane warfare of the courts, should no longer buy from my lips any weapon to arm their madness. Luckily there were now only a few days left before the autumn holidays, and I decided to bear with this delay and withdraw at the proper time. Now that I had been redeemed by you I had no intention of offering myself for sale again. This plan was known to you, but no man knew of it except our closest friends. We had agreed that it should not be made generally known, although, as we climbed up from the valley of tears, singing the song of ascent, you had given us sharp arrows and burning coals to use against any cunning tongues that might speak against us under the pretence of giving good advice and devour us with their love, just as men devour food for which they have a liking.
[...]
6
When the time came for me to hand in my name for baptism, we left the country and went back to Milan. It was Alypius's wish to be reborn in you at the same time. He was already endued with the humility which fits a man for your sacraments, and he had subjected his body to such stern discipline that he would even walk barefoot on the icy soil of Italy, a thing which few would venture to do. With us we took the boy Adeodatus, my natural son born of my sin. You had given him every gift. Although he was barely fifteen, there were many learned and respected men who were not his equals in intelligence. I acknowledge that he had his gifts from you, O Lord my God, who are the Creator of all and have great power to reshape our deformities, for there was nothing of mine in that boy except my sin. It was you too, and none other, who had inspired us to bring him up as you would have him. These were your gifts and I acknowledge them.
[...]
We made him our companion, in your grace no younger than ourselves. Together we were ready to begin our schooling in your ways. We were baptized, and all anxiety over the past melted away from us. The days were all too short, for I was lost in wonder and joy, meditating upon your far-reaching providence for the salvation of the human race. The tears flowed from me when I heard your hymns and canticles, for the sweet singing of your Church moved me deeply. The music surged in my ears, truth seeped into my heart, and my feelings of devotion overflowed, so that the tears streamed down. But they were tears of gladness.
8
You, O God, who bring men of one mind to live together, brought a young man from our own town, named Evodius, to join our company. He had been converted and baptized before us, while he was employed as a government officer, but he had given up the service of the State and entered upon yours. He remained with us and we intended to live together in the devout life which we proposed to lead. We discussed where we could most usefully serve you and together we set out to return to Africa. While we were at Ostia, at the mouth of the Tiber, my mother died.
There are many things which I do not set down in this book, since I am pressed for time. My God, I pray you to accept my confessions and also the gratitude I bear you for all the many things which I pass over in silence. But I will omit not a word that my mind can bring to birth concerning your servant, my mother. In the flesh she brought me to birth in this world: in her heart she brought me to birth in your eternal light. It is not of her gifts that I shall speak, but of the gifts you gave to her. For she was neither her own maker nor her own teacher. It was you who made her, and neither her father nor her mother knew what kind of woman their daughter would grow up to be. It was by Christ's teaching, by the guidance of your only Son, that she was brought up to honour and obey you in one of those good Christian families which form the body of your Church [...]
10
Not long before the day on which she was to leave this life - you knew which day it was to be, O Lord, though we did not - my mother and I were alone, leaning from a window which overlooked the garden in the courtyard of the house where we were staying at Ostia. We were waiting there after our long and tiring journey, away from the crowd, to refresh ourselves before our sea-voyage. I believe that what I am going to tell happened through the secret working of your providence. For we were talking alone together and our conversation was serene and joyful. We had forgotten what we had left behind and were intent on what lay before us. In the presence of Truth, which is yourself, we were wondering what the eternal life of the saints would be like, that life which no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no human heart conceived. But we laid the lips of our hearts to the heavenly stream that flows from your fountain, the source of all life which is in you, so that as far as it was in our power to do so we might be sprinkled with its waters and in some sense reach an understanding of this great mystery.
Our conversation led us to the conclusion that no bodily pleasure, however great it might be and whatever earthly light might shed lustre upon it, was worthy of comparison, or even of mention, beside the happiness of the life of the saints. As the flame of love burned stronger in us and raised us higher towards the eternal God, our thoughts ranged over the whole compass of material things in their various degrees, up to the heavens themselves, from which the sun and the moon and the stars shine down upon the earth. Higher still we climbed, thinking and speaking all the while in wonder at all that you have made. At length we came to our own souls and passed beyond them to that place of everlasting plenty, where you feed Israel for ever with the food of truth. There life is that Wisdom by which all these things that we know are made, all things that ever have been and all that are yet to be. But that Wisdom is not made: it is as it has always been and as it will be for ever - or, rather, I should not say that it has been or will be, for it simply is, because eternity is not in the past or in the future. And while we spoke of the eternal Wisdom, longing for it and straining for it with all the strength of our hearts, for one fleeting instant we reached out and touched it. Then with a sigh, leaving our spiritual harvest bound to it, we returned to the sound of our own speech, in which each word has a beginning and an ending - far, far different from your Word, our Lord, who abides in himself for ever, yet never grows old and gives new life to all things.
[...]
This was the purport of our talk, though we did not speak in these precise words or exactly as I have reported them. Yet you know, O Lord, that as we talked that day, the world, for all its pleasures, seemed a paltry place compared with the life that we spoke of. And then my mother said, 'My son, for my part I find no further pleasure in this life. What I am still to do or why I am here in the world, I do not know, for I have no more to hope for on this earth. There was one reason, and one alone, why I wished to remain a little longer in this life, and that was to see you a Catholic Christian before I died. God has granted my wish and more besides, for I now see you as his servant, spurning such happiness as the world can give. What is left for me to do in this world?'
11
I scarcely remember what answer I gave her. It was about five days after this, or not much more, that she took to her bed with a fever. One day during her illness she had a fainting fit and lost consciousness for a short time. We hurried to her bedside, but she soon regained consciousness and looked up at my brother and me as we stood beside her. With a puzzled look she asked 'Where was I?' Then watching us closely as we stood there speechless with grief, she said 'You will bury your mother here.' I said nothing, trying hard to hold back my tears, but my brother said something to the effect that he wished for her sake that she would die in her own country, not abroad. When she heard this, she looked at him anxiously and her eyes reproached him for his worldly thoughts. She turned to me and said, 'See how he talks!' and then, speaking to both of us, she went on, 'It does not matter where you bury my body. Do not let that worry you! All I ask of you is that, wherever you may be, you should remember me at the altar of the Lord.'
[...]
And so on the ninth day of her illness, when she was fifty-six and I was thirty-three, her pious and devoted soul was set free from the body.
13
Now that my soul has recovered from that wound, in which perhaps I was guilty of too much worldly affection, tears of another sort stream from my eyes. They are tears which I offer to you, my God, for your handmaid. They flow from a spirit which trembles at the thought of the dangers which await every soul that has died with Adam. For although she was alive in Christ even before her soul was parted from the body, and her faith and the good life she led resounded to the glory of your name, yet I cannot presume to say that from the time when she was reborn in baptism no word contrary to your commandments ever fell from her lips. Your Son, the Truth, has said: Any man who says to his brother, You fool, must answer for it in hell fire, and however praiseworthy a man's life may be, it will go hard with him if you lay aside your mercy when you come to examine it. But you do not search out our faults ruthlessly, and because of this we hope and believe that one day we shall find a place with you. Yet if any man makes a list of his deserts, what would it be but a list of your gifts? If only men would know themselves for what they are! If only they who boast would make their boast in the Lord!
And so, my Glory and my Life, God of my heart, I will lay aside for a while all the good deeds which my mother did. For them I thank you, but now I pray to you for her sins. Hear me through your Son, who hung on the cross and now sits at your right hand and pleads for us, for he is the true medicine of our wounds. I know that my mother always acted with mercy and that she forgave others with all her heart when they trespassed against her. Forgive her too, O Lord, if ever she trespassed against you in all the long years of her life after baptism. Forgive her, I beseech you; do not call her to account. Let your mercy give your judgement an honourable welcome, for your words are true and you have promised mercy to the merciful. If they are merciful, it is by your gift; and you will show pity on those whom you pity; you will show mercy where you are merciful.
[...]
Let her rest in peace with her husband. He was her first husband and she married no other after him. She served him, yielding you a harvest, so that in the end she also won him for you. O my Lord, my God, inspire your servants my brothers - they are your sons and my masters, whom I serve with heart and voice and pen - inspire those of them who read this book to remember Monica, your servant, at your altar and with her Patricius, her husband, who died before her, by whose bodies you brought me into this life, though how it was I do not know. With pious hearts let them remember those who were not only my parents in this light that fails, but were also my brother and sister, subject to you, our Father, in our Catholic mother the Church, and will be my fellow citizens in the eternal Jerusalem for which your people sigh throughout their pilgrimage, from the time when they set out until the time when they return to you. So it shall be that the last request that my mother made to me shall be granted in the prayers of the many who read my confessions more fully than in mine alone.
Book X
2
O Lord, the depths of man's conscience lie bare before your eyes. Could anything of mine remain hidden from you, even if I refused to confess it? I should only be shielding my eyes from seeing you, not hiding myself from you. But now that I have the evidence of my own misery to prove to me how displeasing I am to myself, you are my light and my joy. It is you whom I love and desire, so that I am ashamed of myself and cast myself aside and choose you instead, and I please neither you nor myself except in you.
So, O Lord, all that I am is laid bare before you. I have declared how it profits me to confess to you. And I make my confession, not in words and sounds made by the tongue alone, but with the voice of my soul and in my thoughts which cry aloud to you. Your ear can hear them. For when I am sinful, if I am displeased with myself, this is a confession that I make to you; and when I am good, if I do not claim the merit for myself, this too is confession. For you, O Lord, give your benediction to the just, but first you make a just man of the sinner. And so my confession is made both silently in your sight, my God, and aloud as well, because even though my tongue utters no sound, my heart cries to you. For whatever good I may speak to men you have heard it before in my heart, and whatever good you hear in my heart, you have first spoken to me yourself.
4
But what good do they hope will be done if they listen to what I say? Is it that they wish to join with me in thanking you, when they hear how close I have come to you by your grace, and to pray for me, when they hear how far I am set apart from you by the burden of my sins? If this is what they wish, I shall tell them what I am. For no small good is gained, O Lord my God, if many offer you thanks for me and many pray to you for me. Let all who are truly my brothers love in me what they know from your teaching to be worthy of their love, and let them sorrow to find in me what they know from your teaching to be occasion for remorse. This is what I wish my true brothers to feel in their hearts. I do not speak of strangers or of alien foes, who make treacherous promises, and lift their hands in perjury. But my true brothers are those who rejoice for me in their hearts when they find good in me, and grieve for me when they find sin. They are my true brothers, because whether they see good in me or evil, they love me still. To such as these I shall reveal what I am. Let them breathe a sigh of joy for what is good in me and a sigh of grief for what is bad. The good I do is done by you in me and by your grace: the evil is my fault; it is the punishment you send me. Let my brothers draw their breath in joy for the one and sigh with grief for the other. Let hymns of thanksgiving and cries of sorrow rise together from their hearts, as though they were vessels burning with incense before you. And I pray you, O Lord, to be pleased with the incense that rises in your holy temple and, for your name's sake, to have mercy on me, as you are ever rich in mercy. Do not relinquish what you have begun, but make perfect what is still imperfect in me.
So, if I go on to confess, not what I was, but what I am, the good that comes of it is this. There is joy in my heart when I confess to you, yet there is fear as well; there is sorrow, and yet hope. But I confess not only to you but also to the believers among men, all who share my joy and all who, like me, are doomed to die; all who are my fellows in your kingdom and all who accompany me on this pilgrimage, whether they have gone before or are still to come or are with me as I make my way through life. They are your servants and my brothers. You have chosen them to be your sons. You have named them as the masters whom I am to serve if I wish to live with you and in your grace. This is your bidding, but it would hold less meaning for me if it were made known to me in words alone and I had not the example of Christ, who has shown me the way by his deeds as well. I do your bidding in word and deed alike. I do it beneath the protection of your wings, for the peril would be too great if it were not that my soul has submitted to you and sought the shelter of your wings and that my weakness is known to you. I am no more than a child, but my Father lives for ever and I have a Protector great enough to save me. For he who begot me and he who watches over me are one and the same, and for me there is no good but you, the Almighty, who are with me even before I am with you. So to such as you command me to serve I will reveal, not what I have been, but what I have become and what I am. But, since I do not scrutinize my own conduct, let my words be understood as they are meant.
30
It is truly your command that I should be continent and restrain myself from gratification of corrupt nature, gratification of the eye, the empty pomp of living. You commanded me not to commit fornication, and though you did not forbid me to marry, you counselled me to take a better course. You gave me the grace and I did your bidding, even before I became a minister of your sacrament. But in my memory, of which I have said much, the images of things imprinted upon it by my former habits still linger on. When I am awake they obtrude themselves upon me, though with little strength. But when I dream, they not only give me pleasure but are very much like acquiescence in the act. The power which these illusory images have over my soul and my body is so great that what is no more than a vision can influence me in sleep in a way that the reality cannot do when I am awake. Surely it cannot be that when I am asleep I am not myself, O Lord my God? And yet the moment when I pass from wakefulness to sleep, or return again from sleep to wakefulness, marks a great difference in me. During sleep where is my reason which, when I am awake, resists such suggestions and remains firm and undismayed even in face of the realities themselves? Is it sealed off when I close my eyes? Does it fall asleep with the senses of the body? And why is it that even in sleep I often resist the attractions of these images, for I remember my chaste resolutions and abide by them and give no consent to temptations of this sort? Yet the difference between waking and sleeping is so great that even when, during sleep, it happens otherwise, I return to a clear conscience when I wake and realize that, because of this difference, I was not responsible for the act, although I am sorry that by some means or other it happened to me.
The power of your hand, O God Almighty, is indeed great enough to cure all the diseases of my soul. By granting me more abundant grace you can even quench the fire of sensuality which provokes me in my sleep. More and more, O Lord, you will increase your gifts in me, so that my soul may follow me to you, freed from the concupiscence which binds it, and rebel no more against itself. By your grace it will no longer commit in sleep these shameful, unclean acts inspired by sensual images, which lead to the pollution of the body: it will not so much as consent to them. For to you, the Almighty, who are powerful enough to carry out your purpose beyond all our hopes and dreams, it is no great task to prescribe that no temptations of this kind, even such slight temptations as can be checked by the least act of will, should arouse pleasure in me, even in sleep, prowhich we say that we see. Yet we not only say 'See how it shines' when we are speaking of something which only the eyes can perceive, but we also say 'See how loud it is', 'See how it smells', 'See how it tastes', and 'See how hard it is'. So, as I said, sense-experience in general is called the lust of the eyes because, although the function of sight belongs primarily to the eyes, we apply it to the other organs of sense as well, by analogy, when they are used to discover any item of knowledge.
We can easily distinguish between the motives of pleasure and curiosity. When the senses demand pleasure, they look for objects of visual beauty, harmonious sounds, fragrant perfumes, and things that are pleasant to the taste or soft to the touch. But when their motive is curiosity, they may look for just the reverse of these things, simply to put it to the proof, not for the sake of an unpleasant experience, but from a relish for investigation and discovery. What pleasure can there be in the sight of a mangled corpse, which can only horrify? Yet people will flock to see one lying on the ground, simply for the sensation of sorrow and horror that it gives them. They are even afraid that it may bring them nightmares, as though it were something that they had been forced to look at while they were awake or something to which they had been attracted by rumours of its beauty. The same is true of the other senses, although it would be tedious to give further examples. It is to satisfy this unhealthy curiosity that freaks and prodigies are put on show in the theatre, and for the same reason men are led to investigate the secrets of nature, which are irrelevant to our lives, although such knowledge is of no value to them and they wish to gain it merely for the sake of knowing. It is curiosity, too, which causes men to turn to sorcery in the effort to obtain knowledge for the same perverted purpose. And it even invades our religion, for we put God to the test when we demand signs and wonders from him, not in the hope of salvation, but simply for the love of the experience.
[...]
My life is full of such faults, and my only hope is in your boundless mercy. For when our hearts become repositories piled high with such worthless stock as this, it is the cause of interruption and distraction from our prayers. And although, in your presence, the voices of our hearts are raised to your ear, all kinds of trivial thoughts break in and cut us off from the great act of prayer.
41
I have now considered the sorry state to which my sins have brought me, according to the three different forms which temptation may take, and I have invoked your helping hand to save me. For in my wounded heart I saw your splendour and it dazzled me. I asked: Who can come close to such glory? Your watchful care has lost sight of me. You are the Truth which presides over all things. But in my selfish longing I did not wish to lose you. Together with you I wanted to possess a lie, much as a man will not utter so glaring a falsehood that it blinds his own eyes to the truth. And in this way I lost you, because you do not deign to be possessed together with a lie.
42
Whom could I find to reconcile me to you? Ought I to have sought the help of the angels? But if I had sought their help, what prayers should I have uttered? What rites should I have used? Many men, so I have heard, for lack of strength to return to you by themselves, have tried to do so by this means, but they ended by craving for strange visions, and their only reward was delusion. For they tried to find you in all the conceit and arrogance of their learning. They thrust out their chests in pride, when they should have beaten their breasts in mourning. And because they resembled them at heart, they attracted to their side the fallen angels, the princes of the lower air, their companions and associates in pride. But these allies tricked them, using magic craft, for while they sought a mediator who would cleanse them of their impurities, it was no mediator that they found. It was the devil, passing for an angel of light, and it was a potent lure for their proud flesh that he was not a creature of flesh and blood. For they were mortal men and sinners; but you, O Lord, to whom they wanted to be reconciled, are immortal and without sin. But a mediator between God and man must have something in common with God and something in common with man. For if in both these points he were like men, he would be far from God; and if in both of them he were like God, he would be far from men. In neither case could he be a mediator. But since, by the hidden pronouncements of your justice, you have given the devil licence to make a mockery of pride, he poses as a mediator. For in one point he is like man: he is sinful. And in the other he pretends to be like God: because he is not clothed with a mortal body of flesh and blood, he tries to represent himself as immortal. But since sin offers death for wages, in common with men he has this reason to be condemned to die.
43
But there is a true Mediator, whom in your secret mercy you have shown to men. You sent him so that by his example they too might learn humility. He is the Mediator between God and men, Jesus Christ, who is a man, and he appeared on earth between men, who are sinful and mortal, and God, who is immortal and just. Like men he was mortal: like God, he was just. And because the reward of the just is life and peace, he came so that by his own justness, which is his in union with God, he might make null the death of the wicked whom he justified, by choosing to share their death. He was made known to holy men in ancient times, so that they might be saved through faith in his passion to come, just as we are saved through faith in the passion he suffered long ago. For as man, he is our Mediator; but as the Word of God, he is not an intermediary between God and man because he is equal with God, and God with God, and together with him one God.
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Terrified by my sins and the dead weight of my misery, I had turned my problems over in my mind and was half determined to seek refuge in the desert. But you forbade me to do this and gave me strength by saying: Christ died for us all, so that being alive should no longer mean living with our own life, but with his life who died for us. Lord, I cast all my troubles on you and from now on I shall contemplate the wonders of your law. You know how weak I am and how inadequate is my knowledge: teach me and heal my frailty. Your only Son, in whom the whole treasury of wisdom and knowledge is stored up, has redeemed me with his blood. Save me from the scorn of my enemies, for the price of my redemption is always in my thoughts. I eat it and drink it and minister it to others; and as one of the poor I long to be filled with it, to be one of those who eat and have their fill. And those who look for the Lord will cry out in praise of him.